Day 17
A week gamble free. Taking things day by day, trying to make small improvements each day to work towards a bigger picture of clarity. A picture where I know how to handle the demon that sits on my shoulder.
I do have compulsive behaviours I know that. Gambling being the main one of course, that is why I am here posting. I need to forever control that, as that is by far the most destructive.
Gambling affects my thinking, my feelings, my relationships, my time, it has decimated my finances.
I have to rebuild from nothing yet again. It is something I can do, I have to try and remain positive. They say that “things happen for a reason”. I have to try and adopt this saying and use it to form a better me.
Other compulsive and risky behaviours I have are drinking and smoking. I have cut down on these in recent days. Not gambling has helped for sure. After a gambling bender I would also inevitably drink and smoke more to add to my self destruction.
Drinking and smoking are things I need to work on and control again. To drink socially ONLY. To cut right down on the smoking and give up again. If I don’t gamble then I won’t start again. That is how it can be.
Cutting down on both can help me save a bit of money as a gesture towards the damage to my finances. I can use this as an incentive. Instead of picking up a few cans on the way home to watch a midweek football game for example. I will skip it, bank the money and do something more productive with my time. This will kind of change how I have often behaved. Maybe it is not much of an improvement but I am thinking that this just needs to be kept as a mindset.
Watching sport would often lead to urges to bet. I thought I could control this one day. I now know I really can’t. I have to bite the bullet here and distance myself from being that armchair sports fan. It is so linked to my downfalls.
The better me is a man who is ALWAYS in control of his emotions and feelings. Who recognises danger signs and doesn’t PASS them anymore. Who puts his full attention into things that he does and to those around him. Who can accept mistakes are made, the key thing for me is to stop making the same mistakes over and over.
A new mindset needs to be developed. To accept who I am, what has happened and that there is a so much more of a better world outside of the bubble that I often seem to operate from.
I have looked at things and can see that for the coming months, years even, things are going to be tight financially, such is the destruction I caused. Not much spare at all. But I can live a good life, things can pick up again in the future if I am more careful.
There is a better world out there. One where compulsive behaviours are dealt with.
Why dig a bigger hole than the one I am currently in? Why dig a new hole when I eventually clamber out of this one?
In no uncertain terms gambling is like picking up a spade to dig your own grave.
For me the “penny is finally dropping”, it is starting to click that I MUST once and for all break free of a cycle of self destruction.
EVERY day from now on I WILL wake up and be mindful of where I am at, what I am working towards. That there will be a day free of distractions. Why poke my toes over the precipice again? There is only one outcome.
EVERY day I can improve in some way. Such as my physical condition, develop a new skill, learn a new word or two in a new language.
I sometimes wonder and I have seen similar sentiments in other posts that as compulsives do we have to keep destroying stuff to finally learn something? Why is this? Why can”t we learn from our first mistake? Do we really have to back ourselves into corners again and again before we realise enough is enough? There is something in this I’m sure.
For me the self destruct button is to be disconnected. This day 12/04/23. Until Day 24.
