[Simon15]

I tried to stop after drifting into the abyss. I did stop. We all know the story. It isn’t anything new to most people here. I had stopped for about 6 months, blocked online accounts etc, and then recently had a relapse. It’s always possible to find other avenues, and if the gremlin is there then it can gnaw away and help you find them…

But I have stopped again, and now I feel a stronger resolution than ever. I recently got engaged, so I have so many things to plan for and think about now, and my decisions have taken on a new level of importance. I have plenty of potential with my career but so far I have failed to create what I feel is ’enough’, and this thought has kept pushing me back to gambling as a way of ’making money I deserve.’ What a load of c@*p. I never win in the end of course, and actually I want to contribute good things to the world, not waste my time and wreck everything.

So I’m clear-minded now, and let today be the real first day of a gambling-free life. I’ve started this journal as a way of documenting it for me, and perhaps encouraging others too. No more nonsense ideas like ’life is a gamble’ or ’life is a game’. Life is really serious, and real fun can only be found when we’re living responsibly and caring for others as we should be. Warm wishes to you all in your own progress (I mean progress with real life, not in the black hole of a ’progressive slot’), and I will post here every now and again with an update.

Thanks for reading,
Simon.

[kin]

Addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey.
Unfortunately, we are the prey !
The tiger is extremely patient
as it wait for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
It is well camouflaged with denial, minimization,
rationalization, and other psychological defences,
so it is hard to distinguish the menace from its surroundings.
Its stealth make it hard to identify
as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Many times its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.
80% percent of newcomers relapse in their first year.
We cannot defeat addiction in the traditional sense.
The solution begins with a paradox:
Victory is achieved through surrender, not in battle.
If we surrender, our disease loses its control over our life.
It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It never go away!
It merely recedes into the background.
Yet it is always there,
Waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program,
Example :
When we are feeling down and out
because we have gotten into a bitter argument with our spouse, or
When we have received a special recognition at work
and feel that we deserve to celebrate.
It will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.
The first thing to consider is whether our disease is once again trying
to establish a foothold in our life.
It may be setting us up in order to take charge
and again run the show.
Remember, it is always looking for that opportunity
to convince us to return to gambling.
A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that
his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her.
I wasn’t that out of control,
my spouse haven’t left me,
my debt is manageable,
I do not have huge credit cards debt,
I did not borrow from illegal money lender,
I didn’t lose my job ,
I m not a bankrupt,
I do not have to steal or borrow to gamble…etc….
the list go on and on and on.
Before long, he convinced himself that he / she can return to gambling,
he just need to control it better this time around.
This is a person who has not truly surrendered.
This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again
because this time it will be different , I am not a slot machine addict.
The addicted part of us will insist on this position,
despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Do you know why ?
Because this disease will selectively ignore information
that validates our powerlessness.
This filtering is called the Selective Inattention.
The information that indicate we are an addict
and unable to control our slot machine gambling is ignored.
Watching out for how the beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
So watch and listen.
It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.
Where are you now?

[kin]

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
”Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, ”The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[Simon15]

Thank you Kin for posting those stories. I read them and found them very encouraging.

One of the things I think about a lot is the need to work, help others, and sometimes the need to be more lazy and selfish. I guess we all have this kind of dynamic in some way, but obviously it’s the lazy and selfish times that need to be treated with caution. If we have some time alone and with no pressing responsibilities (or none that we care to notice at that time), then what do we do with the time? Obviously watching a movie or reading a book, even playing a video game could all be fun. So why have the desire to gamble? It’s just illusion. There are two main things: first, we might really believe it will help us financially, although as we all know the opposite is true, either immediately or longer term. Secondly, we might have a sense of pleasure, ’relaxation’ or excitement that watching TV or playing a just-for-fun game wouldn’t give us. And yet the only difference is that money is involved with gambling, and often very large amounts. So although we might not think of ourselves as greedy people, it could be that greed is underneath these impulses. Just because we’re broke it doesn’t mean we can’t be greedy. That’s just my thought for the day. I hope you’re all doing OK and seeing hope for the future now.

[charles]

Hi Simon and welcome. Well done on looking for help.

I like the heading of this thread ”This time I mean it”

The thing is of course you, like I did, have ”meant it” many times in the past.

You hae recently got engaged? Congratulations. Does your fiancee know about your gambling? Or that it is a problem?

Has she heard the promises that you mean this time before?

It’s an old saying – actions speak louder tahn words. My family had heard all my promises, came a time they didnt believe any of them. When i started doing things though, getting to GA meetigns, making myself accountable so i couldnt gamble secretly etc well, then they had cause to think ”Hey, maybe he means it this time”

The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that might help you rebuild trust etc

What positive actions are you taking?

[kpat]

Thank you for your post on my thread. You are correct in your analysis of my recovery journey. There is a spirtual battle going on. I believe that we are all in some sort of spiritual battle. When I had to admit that I had no control whatsoever over this addiction, I admitted that no amount of promises was going to keep me clean. I chose to self ban and it helped, but like all addictions, you have to cut off and evaluate the triggers. I am still getting to the root, if I am honest, I am probably more abstinent than recovering. I have some barriers, but have left the backdoor open.
What opened your backdoor after going 6months? How does that happen? I see it in my own life. I made it about 4months before a new avenue presented itself. I have to pull up the roots, but while I am digging, I have to make sure that I’m not watering the tree!

[Simon15]

Hi kpat,
You’re right, there’s a difference between abstaining and recovering. Perhaps if we realise we are vicitms (such as the victim of a robbery, which might be a good analogy), whilst still acknowledging responsibility for our actions, then that is part of the psychological key. We don’t ’abstain’ from being attacked, we recover from it. If gambling still seems pleasurably at some level, like the temptation of a drug or sex, then we are in a very different place from that of a real victim. It’s interesting in popular psychology that we are often told to stop being a victim, but at times that’s exactly what we are, and we should at least acknowledge that but not get hung up on it or obsessed with the thought, as that could drag us down too. Detachment is something needed here, and seeing ourselves through the eyes of others.
I hope all this makes some kind of sense, I am trying not to waffle! To answer your question, the reason I went back after 6 months was that I still had money problems and I somehow part of me still believed that I could solve them by gambling. Of course it just made things worse. Right now, at this point, I’m actually feeling grateful for having been through these things, as I have definitely learned a lot about life and a lot about myself as a result, although I realise this feeling might seem foolish or dangerous to some. However, it is what it is, and I can see many things much more clearly now.

Keep going, watering the good fruit, letting the rotten stuff die away for good!
Simon

[Julkaisija]

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