[milkncereal]

I am 25 years old, engaged and just yesterday found out im going to be a father. I have a happy relationship, I make enough to pay the bills and still enjoy the extras in life. Im a happy person and gambling has yet to harm me (drastically or signifxantly).

I keep track of my bets (i am a sports gambler) and know how much i put in and take out, and over the years I am a successful gambler and have come out ahead rather than behind. This is the root of my gambling problem.

I have debt still like anyone else and my main urge and desire to gamble stems from a desire to be debt free. always chasing that parlay to get me out of the hole. And it has now harmed my relationship.

Back in June i told my fiancee i would quit until September after we had a fight that threatened our relationship and I did. Come September I set a budget and she approves it and begin betting again. the stipulations were i could deposit $50 and not bet more than i deposited. in the first week i won $3000 on a sports bet. I than lost $1000 of it in 2 days. i did get to cash out but I broke the stipulations and hurt my fiancee. So after another fight i tell her ill quit again and seek help. turns out there isnt gamblers anonymous in charleston only 2 hours away elsewhere.

I didnt seek help but i got along just fine for 2 weeks or so. What changed was i let my fiancee quit her job and took over all the bills. as october was passing i wasnt making what i needed too ( i work for tips) so i felt pressured to gamble. i did and proceeded to lose $800 over the course of the month. i was able to pay for all the bills whilst keeping it all a secret.

i went to look at my bank account and starting looking at all my deposits online and it was sickening. sometimes 3 deposits in 1 day. I made the final decision and closed my account til 2018. I was free. but not quite…. i still had the secret that i broke my promise. A few days pass and no gambling, and what was different this time around is it didnt even cross my mind. heck i didnt even look at the scores of the gams all day! I feel like ive final jumped the last hurdle. Now to just share the good news with my fiancee so she can share in my joy.

I dont know how to present it because she said ”if you gamble again were done.” it haunts me and haunts me and haunts me. this is the love of my life my future mother of my children. The last thing i want to do is harm or disappoint her and i did both….

So all this week in thinking and 2 days ago she tells me she thinks shes pregnant with our first child and the test confirmed it and Im so joyous and excited and elated. And i think of my gsmbling and how motivated i am to be done moreso because i now have a kid on the way. I decide today to just be honest and tell her because she was worrying that i wasnt making enough because we almost didnt have rent.

It did not go over well…. she did start by saying thank you for telling but from there it was hard. we sat in silence while watching our show. the words between us very short. she tells me were not getting married anymore as of now. were sleeping in seperate rooms tonight. i tell her im sorry i hurt her and try to convey that this time is different but my words feel empty to her ears. to me the words arent empty but joyous and full of pride for finally changing.

she wants me to go to meetings. i told her i will even drive to myrtle beach 2 hrs there and back. whatever it takes to earn her trust back. but she rolls her eyes and says ill believe it when i see it.

I know in time we will be fine. she will again trust me and we will have our child and get married and be happy.

I guess this post is for advice in what to say or what conversations to have with people whoms trust youve damaged. How do you show youve changed? how do you prove you are trustworthy and not gambling? i feel as gamblers we try so hard to hide our tracks with gambling that it becomes difficult to convey werent not gambling even when we arent actually gambling!

thanks for your time and care. look forward to y’alls responses.

~Matthew

P.S. please feel free to ask me anything you want to know about my history with gambling and my life as a means to help me or someone else with gambling

[velvet]

Hello Matthew and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[charles]

Hi milkncereal, well done on looking for help.

She rolled her eyes? Why wouldn’t she? My family were the same – they had heard it all before.

There is a very old saying – actions speak louder than words. It is particularly true with stopping gambling, especially when they ahve heard the words before.

The good news is that the actions that will help you remain gamble free are the same actions that can help rebuild the trust. Things like getting to those meetings, posting here, barriers such as self exclusion and financial accountability. You want her to trust you – then show her your bank account etc so that she KNOWS you aren’t gambling.

One thing you could do straight away – you have closed your account until 2018? Why? Why not ask them to exclude you permanently?

Keep posting and let us know the positive actions you are starting to take. Maybe show your partner this site as well, she might find the Friends and family Forum useful.

[JayKay82]

Hi Mathew,

I sympathise and understand where you are coming from. My girlfriend found my credit card statements showing over 8k of debt totally attributed to gambling last year. I had previously told her that i would stop and i wasn’t addicted, l don’t know if i was lying to myself or her. Anyway i did stop for seven or eight months until i relapsed recently and thought i could control it, evidently not…

Sometimes we truly believe we can stop, even though we know we have no control over why we are doing this.I have re-lapsed this week and closed my account permanently….. again.

You need to close all your online accounts and can never gamble again, you would be lying to yourself, as i have done, if you think you can control this terrible addiction without help and support.

Sort out your gambling problems and the trust will return, sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we can come back up.

Hoping this helps.

[Julkaisija]

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