Day 1

Hello,

I am 32 years old compulsive gambler. I have been playing for a very long time, lately mostly blackjack (both offline and online).
During this June I lost more than 51k USD, placed my last bet yesterday (the biggest series of relapses in terms of lost money). Those last days were truly a disaster, but it is probably for the best that i lost so much. There is a small victory tho as I was able to save some money and didn’t rush to casino to lose it all. I want to keep this money in my back account and forget about it. The plan is to go for a planned holiday during summer. I also want to keep an emergency fund and be able to buy stuff if needed (so I feel a bit secured if anything happens). It is probably going to trigger me a bit as I have potentially some money to lose, but at least I will start right from the beginning to control money again. It is funny as you have a problem spending money for food, but have no problem losing 10k USD within an hour.

Why gambling? I was always a playful person, also probably because of boredom, vision of easy money, adrenaline and dopamine hits. Such a nonsense. Gambling is not gonna bring anything good and is not going to solve anything. It is also funny as you are thriving for financial freedom (you want to be your own boss instead of working for someone else) and you try that while being enslaved by your gambling mind…

I am not gonna tell anyone at least for now. Some friends and family members know about my problem as I told them in past, but it wasn’t as bad as now and they propably think I am OK now. I don’t want to disappoint them again, they would probably feel really bad and worry about me so it would not help at all. It is my battle I need to fight.

I am so tired of being broke all the time and thinking about gambling so much. I couldn’t count how many times I tried to stop. This time it is going to be different. I am determined to get my life back, I believe in myself. I closed that circle. I want to read this in the future and be proud of myself that I did it. I think it is going to be the hardest thing to ever do. But it is not about money anymore, it is about my life.

My current debt is more than 128k USD with interest, all bank loans. If everything will go according to plan, I should be able to pay this off within 8-9 years. Long journey a head of me. At least I have a job, probably going to change it soon tho. Majority of my income will go towards paying off the debt (as has been in last couple of years), rest towards rent (I live in a small room in a shared appartment), food and other small stuff. Well I have lost what I have lost and it’s gone, I am never going to win that back.

I did hit the rock bottom and I am not gonna dig any deeper into the stone. It is time to rise again. I am happy and grateful for this opportunity to make things better and start living again.

One day at a time.
f.