[whyohwhy]

I came back to the site having been away for over 2 years. I was a regular here for 6 months fom Jan 08 to that summer. I met a new partner who has since become my new wife. I lost my first wife and my children through my previous behaviour caused by gambling. I also lost all my cash, house, jobs and all respect, including self respect.
Last Friday I posted having had an awful run of gambling. Some wins but many more losses had led to me becoming out of control. I have not been living a lie with my new wife. I had many measures in place to protect our finances. My Dad controls my bank and has done for 3 years. My wife had all passwords for accounts like paypal etc. She has allowed me to gamble with controls in place ever since I’ve known her. For the most part this worked. However, and this is a big however… I now know this type of ‘permission’ will not and cannot work. I have been kidding her and my family as well as myself for ages. I have been pushing her more and more and last week convinced her to give me a password to a paypal account. I did what I needed it for and then, after she had gone to bed, ran amok. I had emptied the account in a matter of 10 minutes. It made me feel sick. Sick as a dog. This time though it was a different sick. Not sick at the loss. Not sick at the fact I would have to explain my actions. Sick of doing what I do. A combination of shame, embarrassment and dirtiness. I was sick and tired…very tired (I still am tired). I have now just clocked up 4 full days. 96 hours of not gambling. Not 4 days of avoiding gambling either. I made it through the weekend fairly easily. The last 2 days I have thought about it but I have yet to have that inevitable warm feeling I used to have when I was about to do it or when I was doing it. I really don’t want to do it. Really really not.
Before you think ‘well this guy isn’t a real gambler’… I absolutely am. I always have been and always will be. I am a lose all I have gambler. I am a liar gambler. I am an every day gambler. I pretend I win. I am a 20 out of 20 gambler. I know all odds, all the form, all the players, all the teams. I only ever talk in odds. I only ever think of opportunities to bet. On anything…On everything.
I had a ‘summit meeting’ with my wife and my parents last night. They were all brilliant. So understanding. So helpful. So loving. So non-judgemental. So kind. We have put some measures in place to keep everything water tight. I was honest. I’ve never been more honest actually. There were tears. There was threats made if I fail! There were smiles too. I haven’t smiled, not a genuine smile, for ages. Why do I do something that makes me and everyone important to me sad? Why would anyone do such a thing?
I am waffling on and on here and well done to those who read down this far!! I will be here more and more over the coming weeks. I will get stronger for me and stronger for others.
Thank you for being here and thank you for having me back
Steve

[frozen assets]

As usual, a great post with LOTS of COMMON SENSE and sensability. You nailed it. This really is "IT" in a nutshell:
"I know there will be up’s and down’s ahead. I am not going to be complacent about the problem I have. I know that this is it. I must spend the rest of my life ‘not doing something’. So be it. There are lots of thing I will ‘not do’. I’ll never smoke, do *****, jump out of a plane, run a marathon, bullfight, see the north or south pole. So I’ll just add ‘gamble’ to that list. Again, I’m sorry for those of you that do chose some of these things on the list. (except those of you that fight bulls!)"
I feel the same way and rambled on in Linnie’s thread about things I just flat out wouldn’t do that aren’t nearly as harmful and painful as the (g). So what is so freakin’ special about this addiction that makes us ignore all of the consequences, pain, grief and sorrow that soon follows?  I know EXACTLY how I would think, act, react and speak as someone was trying to convince me that I should jump out of a plane that was hovering 10,000 feet above the earth.
I would not jump, plain and simple.  The only way I would leave the plane with some colorful, silky material packed neatly in a backpack is if (and only if) I passed out from fear and you pushed me out of the plane with the rip cord already pulled. And there better be some people on the ground to catch me in one of those portable trampoline thingys. And I better be intoxicated. With some mild muscle relaxers in tow. And I prefer to land in some soft sand in an area without trees or water.
But I was ok with losing everything to feed the addiction. Skydiving would have been much easier. I think it only lasts a few minutes instead of years. I doubt I would do it more than once. Strange huh? Once would be enough and then on to the next item on my bucket list. I would only wear a speedo to a public beach once. I would never put a needle in my arm. I only drank cherry vodka once. The pain was so great that it was a life-long reminder of what "not to do" when deciding to get drunk.
I would never ***** a car, rob a bank, walk across hot coals in Hawaii, sell Amway products or enter a hot-dog eating contest.
I too want to add this addiction to the list of things that I refuse to do. Ever again. Not ******** days, weeks or months – just want the ridiculous thoughts of "what ifs" to go way forever. There can’t be anymore "what ifs" !!!
How you doin?
 

[whyohwhy]

I’m fine thanks you Brother. And all the better from seeing your post this morning. It made me smile.
I’d like to add a few more things to my ‘Things I will never do or never do again list’. These can be my 9 commandments that I will, in time, and (g) to  to make 10.
1.I will never drink sambuca again after some girl poured it up my nose when I was standing on my head as an 18 year old! That took some admitting!
2. I will never again eat Corned Beef **** having had a really bad night getting rid of it once many years ago!
3. I have never and will never eat butter. I hate it and don’t see the point of it and don’t get it.
4. I would never hurt anyone.
5. I will never go to the opera.
6. I will never smoke. Lucky one this but I have never even had one drag in my life.
7. I will never eat cucumber.
8. I will never jump out of any kind of flying machine.
9. I will definitely never walk over those hot coals anywhere in the world.
10……. (g)??
All of these things are not even maybe’s for me. I am so so so stubborn if I want to be too. I will never and never want to do any of these things. And I won’t. So how can it be so difficult to add (g) to it? I have still not (g’d) since I returned to the site this time and have only come semi close a couple of ***** but found some will power not to do anything. One of those ***** took a lot of will power and strength but I did it. It just ***** to become like the other things on the list. I never ever came close to eating Corned Beef ****!!?

[frozen assets]

Like your list mate. This motivates me to draft my "10 Commandments" too. I think I’ll take it a step further and say that the only way I would ever break the 10th commandment is if I broke the other 9 commandments 1st. So unless I want to jump out of an airplane, eat a papaya sandwich, drink a straight shot of Gin, Rob a bank, stick a needle in my arm and break 4 additional commandments then the 10th is off limits. Kinda makes a casino visit a little less desirable and total recovery more manageable.  Peace!

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