[Berta24449787]

Hi. Not sure where to start but I want to say i have been reading your posts for the last 6 months or so and responded to a few along the way. I am in canada where the online industry is flourishing, and I regret to admit that I have been sucked in for the last 5 years with no idea of how much I have actually lost. It started as a way to pass time at home without having to think about my life and how sad it was becoming. I would play no deposit sites and see if I could win some money. Then I would deposit and get the big playing bonuses so I wouldn’t have to deposit much. I would play the free sites. Then it just slowly rolled into a weekly binge on my day off when no one else was around. Now it is daily if I am home. I have tried everything to stop. No credit cards. Broke my computer on purpose. Self excluded from all of the sites. There are always ways around all the good measures and I was soon in possession of a phone with 7 email accounts and a habit put of control. I got gamban on my phone and could still borrow my daughters computer. I always find a way. I too find I lack in energy and enthusiasm while trying to fight this urge and will sit and do nothing, like I’m sulking because I want to play. I too have an addictive personality with little impulse control and used to be able to channel it into good things. Then the job that I loved and virtually lived for eroded into a daily torture and I lost who I was and what gave me joy and fulfillment. That’s when gambling started. 

   No one knows of my issues with gambling and I would prefer it to stay that way. I have told my daughter to lock me out of her computer and only let me on for business like taxes and her school issues. I need to find a way to stop the madness that has become my life with gambling because it had no real purpose other than to escape for a small amount of time and leads only to a life worse than that we are trying to escape in the first place. I gave tried counseling but cant make consistent appointments due to the irradic schedule from week to week from my work. I have to do it alone from this end and am hoping to gain strength from all of you as you traverse this hole in your life with me 

[Berta24449787]

I am working on day two today and feeling encouraged with my post. I know this can be done as all addictions can be managed through hard work and focus. I am going to try to have a stricter daily regiment to keep me focused and feeling like I can achieve something each and every day. I will continue to read your journeys and hope that we all end up in the same place at the end of every day- gamble free and happy with ourselves

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Berta24449787]

I started yesterday with the greatest of intentions and had a hiccup (as I believe it may be called ), but did not do too poorly on my day two. I went in to self exclude on the last site i was registered on AND I HAD A BONUS IN DOLLARS AND SPINS. I couldn’t just leave that sitting there, now could I? Of course I played it all through and won a bit, but ended up losing it all and depositing a bit before I caught myself and self excluded in what i hope is my last and final time. I am fighting with brain fog daily as i try to deter myself from plopping my butt on the couch and losing myself in the bells and bonus spin glory. It really feels like you’ve accomplished something good when you manage to get those 3 symbols. I miss the anticipation followed by the adrenaline of the third symbol making its appearance. The bonus rounds didn’t even compare to the feeling of getting that third symbol. 

   I am not implying that working is the answer to CG at all as it is the stress and lack of fulfillment there that got me to start. I know that while I am working  I am not on my butt at home so the opportunity is not there. I have been trying to declutter and clean and start new projects as well but have difficulty at this point with the fog. I just want to gamble. I want the brain chemicals to flow and make me feel good and I cant. It’s just like a drug with me. I think because I do it from home I associate the home as the place to be to get my fix. I cleaned out the back yard to prepare for a new pergola I am having installed on Friday and new furniture is coming for the deck as well. It was what I should have done last year but was too wrapped up in cg to bother. I am going to try to get a plan together for the next week. I will try 7 days at a time as my work is a big detractor to me making any personal plans of my own. I just know I need to be free of this monster in the next year as I was planning on early retirement in the next couple of years and at this rate, would be doing nothing but gambling all day every day. 

   I hope your Easter was good and that you find a bright sunny day for all of your endeavours today. P.s. where are you residing?

[Berta24449787]

Thanks again RG. A canuck? Where abouts? I’m an Ontarian myself. Had a revelation last night while trying to self exclude from one of the online casinos. They are making it very hard to do it and I felt like a fool. Of course they are because they figure i will slip up before they get back to me in a few days and put more in . Do you ever feel like everyone as so much more control than you.? I feel like such a loser (literally) when I am at work because I cant wait to find time in the evening to get a little screen time after a hard day at work. I could be doing so much more with my time and money. I want my control back. I am off work for the next while and am going to try to refocus on what is slipping away from me. Work can be all consuming sometimes and I dont really ever find any time for anything else. Work and gambling have been my staples for too long. I need balance and am going to try. Hope you are well and that you continue to be strong and an inspiration to the rest of us

[Berta24449787]

Thanks again for your comments RG and I was hoping that by finishing up the backyard I would have a sanctuary to retreat to. Have to wait for the weather to get better though…. Its funny but I work with people all day long so I am a bit if a recluse when it comes to my day off. I dont even like to talk to my neighbors. I am holding firm to the bad feelings I got when I tried to self exclude from the online casino and they put me off. Am I really that transparent that they know by ignoring my request for a day that I will be back? How pathetic am I?  I used to think that I was a strong person and that I could do anything that I put my mind to, but now I realize that I only stopped indulging in negative behaviors when they no longer provided me with what I needed. I am an extreme impulse junky. It makes me fun and a bit unpredictable, which makes me a hoot to be around, but it has wreaked havoc on my personal life for as long as I can remember. I dont remember doing anything in the traditional sort of manner. 

   I suppose the CAMH is an alternative to what I have been doing but my biggest fear is that someone in my family will find out. I have no support system as of yet and I havent told anyone that I have a problem. I dont know if that is because I dont want them to look at  me differently or that I dont want anyone to try to stop me. I think the latter is probably the biggest fear. I dont go to casinos because of two reasons. Firstly, because I have to travel a total of 4 hours to and from and I hate the long ride home with all of the regret. Secondly, I am sensitive to light sound and smell. People too. I dont find the atmosphere to be one of enjoyment. It might be better if I could find a place where there is hardly any people in it but my locals are busy. Too much noise because people cant turn there machines down. The lights from the machines are enough to bring on a seizure. People wear too much perfume and cologne or they smell of cigarettes or need to shower. And of course there is the sad people. People betting 10 cents or less. People slapping the buttons to try to affect the outcome. Elderly people wandering  aimlessly. People that have lost it all and walking around with that look of despair. It’s a reality check in there and it ruins what little enjoyment I have while I’m there. Perhaps that is a good thing. I only go  a few times a year with my family and dont have to worry too much about avoiding  them when I go elsewhere. It’s the online ease that I am trying  to avoid and will continue to do so until the pathway to my pleasure center learns to crave something else. I hope you are well and that you are finding strength in your success. One step forward gets you one step closer to who you want to be. I am trying to remember that every morning when I want to pick up the computer and play mindlessly for hours. Thanks and have a great weekend.

[Berta24449787]

  To tell you the truth, the last week has been bad. I was home for most of the week and was the largest lump you’ve ever seen. I have lots to do but my mind just wont release me. I’m in a fog. I watch gambling videos on YouTube. I want to play. And then I did.  I am happy to report  that the bouts did lot last long before I would self exclude, but it was enough to disappoint myself. I didn’t even want to wake up.in the morning knowing how easily i failed the day before and then I saw a movie that touched a part of me that I cannot explain. I am not a religious woman on the exterior, but have a strong belief in  a diety that guides our destiny. I watched a movie that had as its core the idea that all men and women are born equal. All good. There exists beings on the earth that are either from heaven or hell and they try to influence individuals one way or the other. I have been feeling like there is something that is controlling me. I dont really want to gamble most times.  Hate the thought of it at the best of times. But there is something that makes me pick up the computer. Absent minded. Almost possessed. I cant stop myself even though I really dont want to do it. Dont get me wrong. I  dont think that there is a demon making me do it, but there is something coercing me. It’s from inside me and I need to find out why. I believe in the self harm we all talk about. I am harming myself. It’s hard to say. Hard to understand. 

   I understand about your feelings regarding the employment situation. I feel that I would be in the same state as you given your situation and hope that there is a resolution in your near future. It can be a great source of pride but can also be a great source of aggravation as well. I can honestly say that had my employment not gone so horribly off track 5 years ago I never would have started gambling in the first place. Perhaps it’s best if you heal yourself so that you are the best person  you can  be for when the situation changes in your favor? 

  Hope the weekend works out to be a great mothers day for you.

 

[Berta24449787]

Here I go again. Woke up with the energy to take on the world today and I start day two of what I hope will be many. I have a day off in two days and while most people feel relief at the thought of a day to themselves, I am scared to death. My days off are the hardest for me and I need to keep busy all of the Tim’s or I relapse without even a thought. I am realizing all of my mistakes and keep hoping that i will correct and then come to a day when there are no more slips. Having to confess here is the only time I really have to face myself and what I do. Here is to day two, which should be an easy one because I am occupied from sun up to sun down. Lord, give me strength over the long weekend.

[Berta24449787]

I long for the days of my youth  ( my mid 30s to be exact) where I was home, busy doing, feeling great and free from the dark fog that engulfs me as it does now.  I struggle most with motivation because my treat was to find a site and try a few bucks on a new game for years. I was queen of the no deposit bonus sites and was happy to do that for years. Then I hit a big hit on a small bet that was on a no deposit bonus and I was hooked. It’s been getting worse through the years and online is soooooo hard to avoid in these times. I’m not close to a casino and to get to one is 2 hours one way. I am a single mom and cant really justify being anywhere fot the lengths of time  that it takes to go and play for a while then come back. I tell them that I go once in a while, which is true. I just dont tell them everytime I go. It’s too hard to leave so going in for a couple of hours seems impossible. I guess I am lucky there then. I cant go. I have gamban on most of my devices at home so I cant play on mine……but theres always the kids devices to play on….

I’ve told them not to let me use their stuff because I waste too much time «surfing and goofing» and i hope they will stick to that to limit me. I will try for a one week goal and see how it goes. Enjoy your weekend. Thanks again.

[Berta24449787]

I was off yesterday and spent the day in between garden centers and other errands so it was a great day. Got meals made and laundry done and went to bed without that nagging feeling that I had only half done things because I spent the day gambling online. It’s difficult not having something easy to fill the voids in time but good because I am free of the «pull» that would drag me down and back to play even more.  It’s funny that I would play for hours, and I mean 6 and 7 hours at a time but only enjoy the first hour or so. The «pull » would keep me coming back to play more. I would get a headache so bad that it would mimic a hangover the next day but still just sit down and play more when the opportunity presented itself. That’s why I know its a brain chemical thing with me. Its adrenaline. Its dopamine. It all makes me feel good and I keep wanting more even though in the long run it makes me feel bad. 

   When I was on maternity leave I was a dynamo. Not a dirty dish in the house. It was run like a military base. I’ve always loved a clean house and order. Once I started with the gambling it all changed. I would struggle every day to get to work with all that I needed. My poor kids would be waiting for dinner. Maintenance was left until I had the day off and then I would gamble online the entire day stopping only long enough to throw in a load of laundry . I once even had to bring a session to work with me and was gambling on my breaks. I am unable to walk away while I have a dollar in my account. I dont know why. I am a reliable, responsible person with a good job  and loads of years under my belt. I’ve never turned my back on any responsibilities in my life and I’ve been working for 35 years. Why is this able to change my entire being into something I dont recognize? It’s scary. I need to get the old me back. I could probably loosen it up a little bit, but the gambling needs to go. Its funny; but on my honeymoon many years ago we were waiting for our room to be ready and were in a casino.  I was just walking around putting coins into the slots when I thought I had broken one because it stopped working. Turns out I had won a jackpot and on that day the monster was born. We went to our room and then proceeded to go back where I lost if all over to days.  My ex called the monster that took over me Gamblor and we both just chalkedi t up to the fact that  I had never been to a casino before and had gotten caught up in the fun. Move forward 15 years and then we find the monster again only he is in my house. I’ve never been able to gamble responsibly and never will. Hard to say  and even harder to deal with. Hope your weekend goes well and you check one more thing off your list. 

[Berta24449787]

What a beautiful day. I woke very late (9 is very late for me) and am going to do my gardening soon. Had a few drinks last night after work and was glad no one was home to log me on to a computer…. bad day at work. I work for a boss that makes me feel bad ; that’s the best way I can put it. I know her job inside out as I used to have the same job elsewhere and voluntarily took a demotion so I could work closer to home. Now I work for someone who really has no idea of what she is doing and treats me poorly because of it. I tried to help in the beginning and then just began to let her blow in the wind. The atmosphere is so «high schoolish » that I want to scream. We aren’t young either, which makes it even worse. She had the nerve to text me this morning at 8 a.m. to ask for me to come in on my day off to help her out tomorrow so she can look more competent to her boss.. not happening. Some slot time would have been very tempting last night.
Hope that you have a great weekend and dont ever feel bad for enjoying some unorganized time to yourself. Me and the kids are going to enjoy some planting and sunshine. Screw work and how awful it frequently makes me feel.

[Berta24449787]

I am actually in day 8. Wow. You would think that that would not be so big a deal to me since I didnt start to gamble until I was 47, so it should not be such a big part of my everyday life. It is the time in between all of the daily activities that I have to fill now with something else. Because I have self excluded from every site I have been on now if I want to gamble I have to find a site that will accept me and register and make sure that they accept my payment methods and so on and so on. It’s a lot of work. I also have to get a computer to play on and that means asking the kids to lend me one. Not so easy. Even if I can get one I have to ask them to log on for me as i have told them not to let me have the passwords so that i dont «surf endlessly and waste my time». Every step is a reminder that i dont have control so i slowly am backing away from even trying. It does get a little easier each day.

I was amazed yesterday how good it felt to have something to do and then just do it. 100% done. For the last couple of years i have had a list of things to do everyday that i would think about, start doing some but never finish anything. I would easily get overwhelmed by it all and just lose myself in gambling so that I wouldn’t have to think about it. I have a garden and a beautiful back deck this year that I can actually relax in. That’s worth all of the time I am giving up on the life sucking slots. I feel proud.

Hope everyone can enjoy that feeling of accomplishment that comes from choosing their life over their illness. It feels good.

[Berta24449787]

Thanks for the cheer. I feel quite pleased with myself. I had the opportunity to get a little bit in but actually made the conscious decision not to. I’d like to think that that is a step in the right direction and that I will be empowered to do so on a regular basis but I know it is just one day at a time for all of us that go 7 days or months, like you. I love the feeling if actually just picking up and doing a task. It may seem small to most but when you gamble from home you use up your free time, so getting something done can seem daunting. I just thought about doing it and I just did it. I havent been late to work in a long while as ivd been trying to control when I gambled, and I think i am starting to get more attention from the kids because i am much more available while at home. It’s a good start to a good road to be on.

Dont be too hard on yourself about all of the peripheral things in life. Get this licked and then tackle everything else with the same spunk that you did here. You’ll be running girl in no time.

[Berta24449787]

Had a chance to «do it» last night but passed on the opportunity. Could it be I’m on my way? They say it gets easier and it does seem to so let’s see what the next couple of days has in store. I’m off tomorrow, which us usually a big trigger for me, so we will see if the urges are as strong as they used to be.

[Berta24449787]

I was out doing done shopping when I got a call from my condo Corp saying that I had missed a payment (it it was screwed up by the bank) and the second notice date was up. I have lived on the same House for 26 years and they put a lien on my house because of one payment not going through? I was livid. After a firm tongue lashing I hung up and got real pissy with my daughter. I hate having things out of my control. I pay all of my bills weekly and have not ever missed a payment in 25 years on this place. Never missed a mortgage payment either. I am the picture of a analy in control and I cant believe I missed this. Two notices and the actual missed payment as well? Time to clean up my act.
Thanks again RG for the shout out. You have got to be the utmost in supportive and I bet you are a great mom. I will have a jack and coke and watch some t.v. tonight. I have to work tomorrow so I am saved by the miserable boss who can’t make a schedule right to save her life . I am finding all kinds of things that I can take care of one day at a time. Still finding it hard to schedule anything yo do on my day off because I never know what I will feel like doing. Keeping focused. Have a fantastic weekend

[Berta24449787]

I woke up early this morning and decided to tackle the day with life and hope. I had a great talk with my daughter last night and we both decided to try to take a long look at the things we do and why we do them. She had been shopping a little too much lately and decided that perhaps she needs to address this and I need to address my gambling. I didnt tell her that but I know she knows that something has been different these last few years. The time I spent talking with her and the time we spent together after work would not have happened a few months ago as i would have been otherwise engaged, so it is time that we have recaptured.
I have started a list of things to do tomorrow and am stealing little bits of free time daily to do things to catch up. It’s never too late to start over until your dead. I am going to start over. Reboot the computer. Refresh maybe? Take it back to an earlier time when I knew who I was and never had to make excuses for my behavior. I’m tired of the guilt and shame. I want to be proud of what I do each day and not have to hide it from others. I feel like a degenerate. Times up on that. Time to start holding my head high again and never being afraid of what I cant control myself from doing. If I wanted something to ruin my life I would have gone out and got remarried and I knowingly do everything that I possibly can to stop that from happening. Why do I go back to the thing that inevitably will make me miserable again?

Today is my day.

[Amir Zaky]

I have read your thread when u replied to mine with very good advice, and i’m really impressed with your fight.

I want to comment on the guilt and shame feelings you have mentioned, as I feel exactly the same, I’m worried that something may happen and I will be forced to explain to my family that I was so stupid that I wasted my savings of the last 3 years and the upcoming 1 or 2 years also playing cards and that intelligent responsible man you have raised is nothing but a lie. but also I can’t say that i’m totally pleased with the previous me, who when he was successful and having enough money to save wasn’t that good man, and maybe this humiliation I feel is very useful for me on a spiritual level to realise how vulnerable is a human and be really humble and accepts this lesson and all the future ones while being broken and poor in spirit. knowing that my smartness and capabilities didn’t led me to a good situation and I need to improve and I do need God’s grace in my life.

I think you are a great mom and you are an impressive fighter, and you should not worry about people’s opinion in you as you are doing great job.

please excuse my english as it’s my third language, and i do apologize for being religious in my reply.

[Meghna83]

Hi Amir,

every word you wrote spoke out to me. I, like you, feel extremely ashamed about gambling and fearful of my family finding out. That responsible and pragmatic young girl my parents raised and my siblings once knew is no more. 

Please dont apologise for being religious/ spiritual, this is personal to you and the way in which you express your thoughts and emotions. No one is judging you.

I also feel that I have wasted away years of hard earned income. 

What you wrote about «who when he was successful and having enough money to save wasn’t that good man, and maybe this humiliation I feel is very useful for me on a spiritual level to realise how vulnerable is a human and be really humble and accepts this lesson and all the future ones while being broken and poor in spirit. knowing that my smartness and capabilities didn’t led me to a good situation and I need to improve and I do need God’s grace in my life.»

I feel that hit the nail on the head about me and how I viewed myself among my friends and family.

I think I have become far more forgiving towards others and more empathetic since my relapse. I found it hard to forgive those that made mistakes around me including my husband and I feel that my misfotunes have made me realise that I am flawed and fallible. I am human. I am humbled finally and realise I need god in my life to  give me strength, discipline and guidance. I realise that I CANNOT CONTROL everything

[Berta24449787]

Sorry to say that i slipped up yesterday guys and I realize the error that I made as big as day. Or a day. I was laid up for the latter half of the day and did not have anything constructive to do and ended up on the computer! I thought that I may have been in a better place because I was 11 days free but I was wrong. I didn’t seem to enjoy myself at all while I was doing it and self excluded as soon as I was done. I know now that I can do this for sure. I know that if I have to go on this site and post the truth, then there is no fun in gambling anymore. And it must be the truth because if it isnt then I am only fooling myself. Thanks to all for posting and supporting each other. It affects us all directly and indirectly in times of stark ugly truth. We need to be there to support each other and to have someone unbiased to answer to. I am back on track!

[Steev]

In my early days of stopping it felt more like a stop-start-stop so I know what you are going through. Do you know what triggered your «slip?» Boredom was a big one for me – I just needed a few minutes without anything to do and the gambling thoughts come raging in.

Anything non-gambling that works for you at this point is worth considering – even if it is a mindless computer game. As long as there is no money involved or link to gambling. Or if being on the computer is in itself a trigger – then find some other media – or even play patience with real cards. I know I did a time or two when I was desperate.

Anyways I hear the determination in your post to keep at it and to make gambling less and less an issue in your life. I wish you well.

[Berta24449787]

I was at a point before I went on here last month that I was off for 2 on for 1 and so on. I didnt have to be accountable to anyone. I’m not one to lie online or in person so it’s not in me to come back on and continually lie about my progress and I need the support of all of this group, as each one of us brings something new to the table for discussion. Each day I wake up I know from the minute I open my eyes if I was a success in the previous day and it spurs me on to do well again. Yesterday was bad and today will be better. That’s all I feel we can do is literally take it one day at a time .

I made it 11 days and now I must make it at least 22. Its my pledge to myself. Thanks for your post. It always encourages me to hear feedback from someone who has been there before. 

Btw: what is the hump? How long before it just became stop?

[Meghna83]

Hi Berta,

i relapsed too today. I felt so sick whilst playing. ”won“ back

some if my losses from the other night. 

I feel sick And want to stop. My accounts are in a mess. i excluded myself from both these new sites I signed up for today.

i don’t feel good about these “winnings” at all as they are just a small fraction of the money I lost 

I want to stop chasing. 

[Steev]

For me it took a while.  Even with the support of GA, I slipped several times.  But the good news is that each time was with less and less damage – and I did manage a period of 3 years before gambling again for just a few months.  At that time I was single and decided to put some effort into finding a partner and I did not gamble whilst with her (some 5 years) – when we split up, of course thoughts turned to gambling, but I thought «I’m hurting enough – so why should I do any more harm to myself?»  Apart from one or two one-offs (stupidly seeing if  I could gamble «normally» – I can’t) it’s been around 20 years stopped now.

So I would say (for me at least) there was no sudden stop – just a slow dripping until eventually no more.

If you see gambling as a way of hurting yourself – then why would you want to do it?  Love yourself – do things that make you happy without gambling and beyond all else get support from people around you.  Take care.

[Berta24449787]

Knowing that I have to come on here and admit that I failed again is such a very large detractor from the excitement of going on to the sites that I cannot find it in me to do it. I kept myself quite occupied yesterday as I had another free day at home. I painted two benches in the morning and did some cleaning, and then went out in the afternoon to do some shopping. Had a late lunch and then was presented by a huge gap of time before dinner that was looming before me. What to do? I would have sat at the computer and gambled for hours , forgetting about dinner until someone said something. This time I thought about two days. That’s what I would have to admit to. I only lasted two days. No way. So i didn’t even put my hands on it. I feel relief this morning and glad that i have you guys to answer to. It’s what I need to keep in check and it is enough, for now, to spur me on. Have to get to at least 10 weeks, right RG? Steev, I hope to someday be that voice of experience and comfort as you are. Here’s to a good day for all.

[Berta24449787]

Tired of these mornings. Something has to give. Bad day that I cant even explain. Was good then lost my mind. Dont feel like trying to explain because I dont think I could even if I wanted to. Self hate abundant today.

[Meghna83]

We are here for you and will listen without judgement 

[Berta24449787]

I need to get some of my thoughts (and life) together before I can proceed any further. 

[Berta24449787]

I hate my boss. She knows half of what I know and treats me like her servant. Wanna smack her half the time I talk to her.
My daughter has just been diagnosed with depression and a.d.h.d. Trying out new meds that have lots of side effects. Trying to get her started on therapy but she doesnt really want to talk to anyone!!!! Shes always tired and feeling sick and I have to be there to support her. It feels like I cant do anything right. I have consistently been gaining weight ever since the great change of life and dont even know who I am anymore. Skinny ass boss snickers at me sometimes. Wanna smack her again and again. I am a CG. Icing on the slanted, not so fresh cake that is my life. I’m trying to fix things but more just seems to break in the meantime. I am frustrated beyond reason sometimes and can’t get away from it anywhere. I need to ponder what to fix first and that is hard.

[Meghna83]

I can see how life can be very difficult for you right now. Work definitely has a huge impact on our life even after we walk out the door to go home. I had something similar when I was pregnant and it really adversely impacted my home life. Is there anything you can do to make things better with work? Maybe apply for something else?

You are present for your daughter and helping her along the way. You are alive to see her everyday. I really hope she can get the medication and the support she needs from the healthcare service where you are based. The pressure of being the nurturer and supporter of your child is immense, I feel it with my baby and she’s not even a teenager yet!

Yes we are CG’s but that doesn’t define us. It’s one aspect of us which we can either choose to nurture and strengthen through repeated behaviour or we weaken and replace it with healthier activities. I hate labels and hate calling myself a CG or addict now. I have not gambled since my last post and I am determined to both weaken this problematic behaviour and give importance and focus on the goals I have for myself and my family. You can too.

I too have put on a lot of weight post pregnancy. I was a size eight and am probably a size 16 now. I do have a lot of time to spare and fill this with eating . But I still love my body and have begun making small changes like eating light at dinner and avoiding anything heavy before bed. I’ve also started walking more. Small changes but they ***** and clear my head of negative thoughts about me letting go of my health and well being.

It’s s tough time for you but you are alive. You have loved ones. You have an income source and you can make changes.

[Steev]

I know that I didn’t work through other stuff that needed doing when I was gambling, because the gambling was all consuming of my time energy and emotions.  I hear that you have a lot of emotion towards your boss and I wonder if you can find a safe way to let this out.  One method I have found useful is to put your energy into beating up a cushion (large beanbags are good!)  You could give the cushion the same name as your boss and then have a good rant – letting have it with everything you’ve got and calling her all the names under the sun.

Of course it would hep if you did this in the privacy of your bedroom – or maybe with a trusted friend to support you (NOT your boss though!)

It will make you feel better – but the important thing is that it will clear your head – and you may then be able to find a practical solution to your work problem that is there but your «seeing red» head can’t get to.

You ask what to fix first.  I would say yourself.  You have already made a start with the gambling and it is still early days.  See your recovery through until you feel stronger to face some of the other stuff.  You can’t be there for your daughter if you go back to gambling – so if you want to help her, make that your priority.  There’s probably more I could say – but I will leave it there for now … you know you have this forum to check in with.

[Berta24449787]

Its all good RG. Thanks to you and Meghna for your support. I am working the next few days so I should be good for now. I am so disappointed in my resolve, which is probably the worst feeling I have right now. I have picked up a book and started to read again, so I gave something to fill in the time gaps . I am going to make a master list of all things that I need to do around the house to make it right and will start to assign tasks that I will have for specific days . I find my problem is when i wait to see what i feel like doing on my time off. I dont ever feel like doing anything until i have already done something to begin with. Action motivates me and I am going to start treating it more like work and non optional. I am a machine when it comes to work and I just have to carry over the same energy and ethics as I have while on the clock. You guys are the greatest and I will post every day with my progress. Thanks again.

[i-did-it]

Hi Berta , you have such a lot going on- Keep strong .
I feel your pain worrying about your daughter – we spend their whole childhood worrying and somehow they pull through .

Be extra kind to yourself – if you feel like doing house work – do it . If not give yourself permission to lie on the sofa with your book.
Trust me the housework won’t go anywhere so you aren’t missing out on it !

Xx

[Berta24449787]

You are such a dynamo. You just keep inspiring me. Will try the jar. I have lived in the same house for 27 years or so and have little odd jobs that never seem to be finished.  I was great at getting things done before CG. I used to go into work with a woman who was recently widowed and we would chat about all of the projects I was engaged in and she joke and said that I would eventually lose my stamina! I never thought that it would happen but with CG I find that I  dont have the focus to do things like I used to. I am distracted to the point of drugged because there is something else interfering with my thought patterns. It makes me sit when I should stand and although the thought of gambling seems unpleasant, I go to it anyways. The jars seem to be a random way of getting things done. 

[Berta24449787]

I fully understand your position about not being financially in charge of yourself and your obligations but I am sure that if the roles were reversed you would be the rock  of Gibraltar and carry the family for a long as it takes. I had to support my ex once when he was in an apprenticeship program. I didnt mind a bit and he said he would do the same for me (/little did we know how that would end up). You aren’t defined by working or not. What you are doing right now is creating a new definition of you. I work and have CG. Does working make it any less serious? If you quit then you are one up on it. Value what matters most. Only then will you value your efforts as you should. 

[Berta24449787]

Thanks RG. I had a bad day yesterday seemingly because I had an awful day the day before that. Work does seem to be my trigger. It wasnt as bad yesterday as it was before I started here so I seem to be a bit more in control, but the boss got me in a mood that I just couldn’t shake yesterday. It is so hard to feel unappreciated and inept when you had been the one that knew it all not one year ago. You see, I was the boss one year ago but decided that I wanted to be closer to home so I took a demotion to save myself 2 hours a day in travel time. My daughter was growing sad and lonely and needed me home more so I took the decrease in pay and a position that I can retire too in a year or so if it suits me. Mow I work for someone who they put in a position of authority who had never really managed before and had stayed home with her kids until her 40s. She is limited in experience and is very immature in treatment of others ( gossips and back stabs and is as fake as a $3 bill).  She is unprofessional to say the least and I tire of it. My decision took into consideration that I would have to work for someone else and I have to accept it. It bites though. Anyways, really bad day with her Monday and I am back on track today. Does anyone know if I install gamban on my daughters laptop, can I hide the app or will she see it?

Have a great CG free day

[Berta24449787]

Sometimes the people that you least expect can be the most insightful. The folks that I work with heard the talk of what my boss has been trying to pull with me and voted me the «hardest working woman in the building «. Guess my boss won’t be liking that too much. They acknowledge she is a nice person, for the most part, but a weak manager who lacks experience. Hallelujah. Someone gets it. She was in today but avoided me like the plaque. Suits me fine. I’m not one of those political people that can smile when I want to punch you in the face. My face just reads «wanna punch you in the face». Could be the short coming extraordinaire of my career life. Personal maybe too. I will get through this like I have the last 10 years or so since the workplace that I have loved for so long began to morph into the horror show that if is now. It’s hard to keep good people and those you can keep are only waiting to retire.
I shouldn’t let it trigger me though, as I understand that it will and should make a plan for when I know I’m coming home with pent up rage and disappointment.

How are YOU feeling today?

[Berta24449787]

I know that I need to figure out a way that works for me so I tried something new today. I have to work today so this morning I put a small wager in, played it and walked away. I have to learn to deal with the panic feelings I have when I want to play. Maybe this can work for me. I’ve never been able to walk away before and I had to. I had to deal with the feelings. I need to deal with all of my feelings. I feel liberated and still guilty. Not sure what to make of that. I am going to get gamban as you advised RG, but since I have always found a way to play I need to try to work through the addiction instead of avoiding it. Hope your day is good and CG free all.

[Berta24449787]

You are the #1 priority these days. Focus your reorganization on your situation instead of your house and put yourself first, whether it be your physical or mental health. Let your husband see you working on you instead of his dinner and his laundry.

[Berta24449787]

I have to work with the lazy cow this morning and am seething the entire time. She walks in this morning and throws all of her work of top of mine and then proceeds to walk around sucking up to everyone and playing the title role in the dance of the social butterfly. I feel a slow down happening. I’m going to make sure that i slow down just enough to match everyone else pace and when they wonder why her work isnt done I will just have to tell them why. I’m not playing this game anymore. Time to stop being the hardest working woman. Its not getting me anywhere and I’m not happy. With work being my biggest trigger I need to start something new change the dynamic in my life.

[Berta24449787]

I’m a die hard impulse junky and have been all of my life. Explains many of the bad ( and some of the rather exciting)situations in my life that I have found myself in. I need to learn to deal with impulses to do and say, and not to do and not to say. It will be a growing experience for me and who knows, maybe 53 will be the year I mature. Thanks for the concern and the words. You will all be on my thoughts as I drift in the murky waters of responsible behavior

[Autor]

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