[Courage]

Hi I’m Courage

I am at a place i need change. I have been stuck in my life for too long. Addiction has sucked the life out of me, i dont want it anymore. I am trying to move forward and not look back anymore it is too negative and destructive. I feel i am just existing and surviving. I am a shell. I need to live life. I need help.

[vera]

Welcome to GT, Courage.
Lots of help available here. Many have been on the verge of ruin caused by gambling.
Every CGs needs to start again. We need to start living a new life every day . One day at a time. It is the only way we can reclaim what is left . You will be surprised at how much better you will feel when you walk away from gambling.
Keep posting. Stay focused!
Nobody can change the past but we can plan a better future.
Best wishes in recovery!

[Courage]

Today i am at a low. Ashamed, shocked, and overwhelmed. The impact gambling has had on me is devastating. I feel like I’ve been strangled. I cant comprehend what has happened. It is too big for me. I feel ike gambling has stolen not only all my lifetime savings and finances but it has taken years from me. Gambling has stolen my life. It has stolen my personality, my potential as a person. My drive. My love of life. It has squashed and flattened me to nothing. Im stuck. I dont know how to get over it. I wont gamble

Courage

[Courage]

Today the realisation is kicking in more. The reality. Its not a good place to be. I cant help but be furious at myself I cant help but want to throttle the hell out of myself for my stupidity. Its going to be a long road ahead. I wouldnt wish this addiction on anyone. Its just too big to deal with.

Courage

[theone12221]

Now is the time you’ll need to live up to your name. Quitting gambling requires a massive amount of courage. Accepting your past and using that as motivation to change your future will be the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life. Let it all sink in first…but now is the time to turn it all around.

[Courage]

Thank you Vera and the one for your replies to me.
Today i think i have found some sort of acknowledgement that i am truly sick when it comes to gambling. I think i am totally accepting its something i cannot ever do again. I have not one ounce of control when i start. I need to keep using support, here, i will attend gamblers anonymous meetings and i will do what ever other support i can find. I want this out of my life, i want a life. Its time.

Courage

[Courage]

Im feeling confused. I think the reality of the situation combined with the uncertainty of things to come. It has my mind all in a spin and i cant think clearly. Im hopeful to survive this yet i feel as if part of me has gone insane.
Im hanging on to the hope of moving forward and leaving that life behind. To make progress no matter how small and slight. At the moment i feel i am a leaf blowing in the breeze not knowing where i will land or where i will end up. Its frightening being so lost.

Courage

[Courage]

I feel like today was another hard day to start. Im having real trouble just doing normal things. Normal tasks that would normally be super easy. Its like my brain has gone into full meltdown mode and exhaustion has hit.
I feel like this mountain i have to climb is too big. Thoughts to gamble are starting. After all I have gone through? I wonder if this is just too hard? I dont know I’m strong enough. I feel vulnerable and alone. Im praying for the thoughts to be gone.

Courage

[Ryan_Mcleod]

I’m the same courage and what gets to me is the thought of after all the trouble gambling has caused, I might actually do it again! its infuriating! but you can do it! todays only my day 6, I have up days and down days and I do feel tempted to do it again, but you need to remember how low it can make u and how frustrated you can become. I’ve told myself I’m going to stop for the last three years, but only 6 days ago did I say it and really mean it! no matter how much you win, you will always put the money back in so don’t do it!!! look after yourself and your finances will look after themselves!

[Courage]

Thank you Ryan

I wish i could come here and say i feel wonderfully positive about things but i dont. I feel like I’m losing this battle and dont know that i will ever be able to maintain this.
Its how i feel. I feel hopeless right now. I just feel its struggle after struggle after struggle. I always had a fighting spirit when things went bad, but so many things have gone bad time after time after time that i feel worn down now. I cant find that fighting spirit that i once had. I feel I’m fading. I dont know if il make it

Courage

[Ryan_Mcleod]

Hey Courage, right now you are just surviving! I’m the same in some respects, because it has only happened recently its still very raw and numb. At the moment I still feel frustrated at myself and annoyed but what can I do? you need to ride this wave out and it shouldn’t last for long.
You will slowly start to get your head together and feel positive, then you can stay focused and be sure not to do it again!! if you ever feel tempted remember how you are feeling now! and that you will inevitably feel like this if you gamble again!

[theone12221]

Hey courage just think about all the good things in life you still have. Think about all the potential you still have to bring happiness to yourself and those around you. Never lose focus of that and whilst the tunnel may be long, there is light at the end if you persevere.

[Courage]

Thank you to the one and Ryan

Your encouragement is really great thank you. I didnt make it. I feel worthless. I feel totally useless at this life.

Courage

[tonyj]

hey courage

I’ve been hoping you would have joined the last chat so we could talk

Your not totally useless at this life you are totally useless at gambling,,, we all are.
your down and by the sounds of it at your lowest, you need to pick yourself up man, brush yourself off and start again.
We’ve all been there, but your here, your seeking help your going to GA, don’t beat yourself up too much dude, you can do this, but it won’t be easy you need to fight get that old spirit inside you,

How did you gamble today ? on the internet ? ban yourself,, NOW
at the bookies ? – go to sainsburys get your mug shot taken and take it to the bookies and say you want to self exclude FOR LIFE, DO IT FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING

YOU CAN DO IT just have a little belief in yourself

before you go and sort all your shit out and help yourself take a good look in the mirror and tell yourself out loud,
Just for today I will not gamble
Keep the faith

[Courage]

Thank you Tony

I am sorry i couldn’t chat i was just so upset i couldn’t see the keyboard for tears. I have sunk to the bottom. The insanity is, its all my doing. Its all my responsibility.

Courage

[theone12221]

Hi courage,

Relapses are ok perfectly normal for a recovering gambler but never use it as an excuse for your actions. Don’t play the victim. Ultimately you were the one who decided to gamble and this means that in your mind you have not given up yet. You still want to play. You need to REALLY want to quit gambling forever to actually stop. Saying «I’ll stop forever» after a big relapse is well and all but it takes true commitment to actually stop gambling. Don’t accept gambling as something that controls you. Don’t treat relapses as something you cannot prevent. YOU are the one in control of your own mind and actions you must actively fight to defeat this gambling addiction. Self-exclude, install blockers, hand over finances and attend GA/confess to loved ones to give yourself the best chance not to relapse. The rest is a mental battle that YOU must take responsibility for and while it may be the toughest battle you’ll ever face, it’s a battle you can win.

[Courage]

Thank you the one

Yes it is entirely my fault i blame no one else

Courage

[lizbeth4]

Hi Courage, Don’t give up! Gambling relapses are common. You need to figure out what you can do to make it harder for you to gamble. Put up any barriers that you can. It is a battle that you can win! Is it easy? No. When I get urges I keep myself busy. Can you find any new hobbies? One day at a time. Take care.

[Courage]

Thank you Lizbeth4

Ive made a plan to repay my debts. All bills and debts will be taken from my account automatically. I have cut up cards, I have to physically go into the bank. Though this is still easy it might slow down the process. I am carrying little money.
I dont feel like going into the world i just want to stay inside and never emerge. Ive caused this, i have to deal with it. I cant change what I’ve done. Im still shocked. I woke and thought its a dream and checked the account online to see it most definitely wasn’t. I feel sick and ashamed, i have so much guilt and regret. I will never understand how gambling has overpowered me to this point. I haven’t been able to stop. I am not someone who can gamble once and say oh ok well i wont gamble for another month. If i could do that i wouldnt be here. Gambling for me has no off switch at all until i am ruined. I can say now i am ruined. I can also say i want to change my life. I feel the lowest of lows. I feel pathetic.

Day 2
Courage

[Courage]

Amidst the pain

This is what i have found today. I think i have found what i would say is acceptance. I dont feel the fight at this point, there is not fight. i think maybe why i gambled for so long is simply i thought one time i would be able to do it, next time i will do it, next time i will be ok. There has been thousands of next times that only turned to disaster every single one of those times. I just feel like a lightbulb has been turned on. I dont think anyone else could get me to this point, i think i had to go through it. I had to find acceptance. Right now i fully 100 percent accept, i cannot gamble.

Courage

[theone12221]

Hi courage,

I think you’ve finally turned the switch and you can see the truth. We simply cannot, and never will be able to gamble without it absolutely destroying our lives.

Like you, I was a fighter, everytime I got knocked over by this addiction, I’d get right back up after some time and try to fight it again. The truth is, we must let go of our egos and accept defeat. We can never gamble. Once we play gambling controls us. BUT what we can control is how we behave when we are not gambling, how we can not be tempted by the lures of this demon. We simply need to truly commit to never putting ourselves in the grips of gambling again. This is the true battle we must fight and win. They say many people don’t actually want to stop gambling, they just want to stop losing. It took me over a year to be able to go from the latter to the former. I think you are taking your first steps towards that mind set of stopping GAMBLING today.

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I hope i never gamble again. I never ever want to go into that hell again. Thats what gambling is to me now. Hell.
I take this very seriously now about stopping. Its not a joke for me. There is no safe gamble for me. If i gamble, i am gambling with my life. I dont gamble anymore

Courage

[Ryan_Mcleod]

well done courage! I was the same, constantly chasing my losses! Its a horrible feeling, and remembering How low it made me feel Is what stops me everyday from doing it! I want it out my life, I don’t want it to dictate my life, its time for us all to start enjoying life again, instead of living in this wee grey self destructive bubble which gambling does! we need to accept we will never win! good luck and keep going!

[Courage]

Thank you Ryan

I am finding it quite difficult to get through the days. Reality is here. Its not pretty right now. It is going to take time to feel better i know. Im feeling the full force now of the situation that i alone have created. I feel exhausted, like never before in my life.

I dont gamble

Courage

[theone12221]

Courage I believe in you. Stay away from gambling and I guarantee you your life will improve.

[Courage]

Thank you the one

I am just holding on to that little bit of hope to find my way through. It is hard. I have assessed the damage fully now and I am heartbroken. Never did i believe this is how my life would be. I wish i could start over. To be young and to start again and never gamble. This has taught me to not take the days for granted. Thats what i am realising. Ive lost years and years.
They are gone. Decades gone. I am left with the wreckage.
I did it. How absurd. One day i hope there is more discovered about addiction. I think its only been scratched at the surface. One day i think they will look back and say people used to do these things to themselves!!!
Imagine if the world was banned of gambling, alcohol, drugs a world without these, wow, wonder if in the future that will happen? I have to get out of the dream world though and look at the here and now.
So this is the life I’ve created. Now to deal with it. One baby step at a time. I think I’m just scraping through. Im crawling through my days. Hopefully one day i can walk in recovery.
I feel so alone.

Courage

[theone12221]

I don’t know what your philosophy on life is but don’t look back, what has happened was always going to happen. That’s what makes you you. Luck and chance plays a big part in our lives and everything is unpredictable. All you can do is do the best with the hand you’re dealt (pardon the gambling pun!). What you can do is make the most of what you still have. What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you, but only if you don’t let gambling get in the way of that.

[Courage]

Thank you the one

There is a slight shift in my thinking. There is a glimmer more hope i am feeling. A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit but i notice it. I have no thought to gamble right now. I am trying to now think of today and what is to come. I do have the opportunity now to repair. To rebuild. To be the person i want to be. I dont know who that is but maybe i will find out. Small progress but progress

I dont gamble

Courage

[kin]

All you can do is do the best with the hand you’re dealt. What you can do is make the most of what you still have. What you still have to offer to this world. I’m certain you can make a positive impact on not only yourself but those around you. ~theone12221

There is a glimmer more hope… A little more peace. Something is changing the slightest bit… i notice it…I do have the opportunity now …to repair. To rebuild. To be the person i want to be. I don’t know who that is ….i will find out. Small progress but progress. ~Courage

My recovery in the past; everything was not ok and I was not ok. My recovery in the present; everything was still not ok, but I am ok.

I tried but I could not attain perfection or stay total abstinence for almost 11 years . That didn’t stop me, I keep trying. My progress was slow but there is progress.

The progress and change I saw in my life gave me hope.

blessings

Kin

[i-did-it]

Courage there is always hope. Life has ups and downs with or without addiction. When we are down the only way is up. Reach out to all the people who can help. If anyone of these people makes you feel less than the most special human on the planet, drop them, cut them off
Fill your life with beautiful people like you.

Fill your life with people who build you up, people who say well done, who never add a «but» to that! Us senstivie people are sensitive to the subtle put downs of others.

Simple test : do I feel good after spending time with thsi friend, counsellor, relative, neighbour? If the answer is ever no then dump them. People will justify their behaviour under the guise of «challenging» «helping» «supporting» and other equally self important words.

How do I know all this? I know because «I did it». I got rid of the toxic people who liked to help me, and mirculously I no longer needed their help.

Reading your thread I see you have struggled. I recognise that struggle but there is hope, there is a great future. It helps me to think the only real damage was to my finances and then I remember there is so much truth in the old saying Money can’t buy you happiness.

[Courage]

Thank you I did it and Kin

I dont have much to say. I didnt make it. The pain in my life seems to be too great. When i gamble i dont feel it. I tried. Ive tried many times over the years to stop. Im not someone this is going to work for. Im not feeling sorry for myself. Im simply being realistic. It doesnt work for everyone. In fact it works for very few. Im one of the ones it doesnt work for or ever will. I’m now convinced. Its consumed me.

Courage is all out of courage

[charles]

Hi Courage. None of us can do it on our own, we all need support or we wouldn’t be here. Now think about the last time that you fell off the wagon, you probably felt like this then as well, many of us have felt that way. You got back on that wagon then though and you can do it again. Use all the support that you have, put all the barriers in place that you can. getting to a GA meetign might be a way to tell your addiction you have had enough of it right now, a way to draw a line in tha sand.

Keep posting Courage, hopefully see you in a group again soon.

[Courage]

Thank you Charles

That was nice of you to comment on my diary i know you are a moderator here and have been very kind when i have chatted to you in the groups.
I am at the bottom. Gambling has well and truly ruined my life.
I cannot explain in words how hard it is for me to stop.
I know i need help, i know i need to do more. Its just when i am in that mad crazy state i cannot stop. It doesnt matter what advise i am given or how i feel, i just cannot stop and will not help myself when i am like that because i truly at the time cant stop and think i am helping myself by going to win.
Its a joke. Im demolished as a person now. I am sick. I feel willing to try again. But i dont trust that thinking, i dont trust anything or anyone anymore. I feel empty and i feel useless.

Courage

[Courage]

Lost hope

Well I’ve not only lost all hope I’m actually losing my mind. Im not thinking logically, I’m living in a delusion. I hate myself.
One day if i stop. If i make it. I will come back and tell you all. Until then, what is the point of me complaining about my life when i feel i cant even change it. I know people will say you can. Right now i actually cant. I dont see much hope, i dont see any way out of this. I just have to survive, thats my number one goal for the day. Hope one day i can come back with better news.

Courage

[monique]

Dear Courage – I want to send you my sincerest apologies for the technical problems that meant I could not connect properly with you in group. It was most unfortunate at this difficult time.
I wish you well and do keep in touch with all sorts of support.
Monique

[Courage]

Thank you Monique for your response

Today is a bad day for me. Today is once more day One.
I have to say I know I’ve said its rock bottom. My life became unbearable yesterday. My life was almost non existent. Things have now happened that just shocked the life out of me. Terrible things for me that i just cant fathom. Out of gambling i have lost a lot of money, sanity, but what i realised was the lost opportunities. Decades wasted. Ive never thought of the opportunities lost. It struck a chord within me. I am exhausted and bewildered. I just honestly feel like dying . i feel like my very soul is just screaming for help. God i never imagined my life this way. Ive wasted it. All the money is gone and the time is gone. I was looking at a group of young motivated people today and i was crying inside. For the young me that took the wrong turn.

Courage

[lg]

Hi,

I know that you’re not the only one who feels like this. The time I’ve spent gambling when I could be improving things. The money that I’ve spent years saving just gone like that. The credit I’ve knocked up which will take another 2 years to pay off using nearly every spare penny I’ll earn.
The only way I personally can cope is knowing that it is possible, not to get it back, but to get back to a situation where I can start again. There is (normally) always more time. Just trying to not get to, in life, that ‘tilt’ moment in gambling where you’re like, ‘f it, I’ve lost so much already it doesn’t matter if I lose it all…’ It does matter. Especially in life.

I’m also starting Day 1 again today…

[Courage]

Thanks Ig

I know exactly what you mean about that moment. The moment i say who cares and i just do it, nothing stops me then.
Im pretty emotional today. Im very overly sensitive and my emotions change from one minute to the next. I feel I’m really going crazy. Not going crazy. I am crazy.
Im dumbfounded by this addiction. I never thought something like this could ruin my life. I never would have believed it. I remember as a young girl dreaming what my life would be like when i was a woman. The years have passed and passed and passed. I feel like i am nothing. I feel like I am an insignificant invisible nothing. I didnt want to look in the mirror at myself. I looked with detest at my eyes. I felt pathetic. Thats how i feel today plain and simple

Day 2

Courage

[kcc123]

Forgive yourself. Much love to you.

[Autor]

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