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Last night I felt at my lowest point for years. I was paid yesterday and managed to lose £1100 in the space of 4 hours. Disgusted, ashamed, angry are all good words that don’t come close to describing how bad I actually felt.
I started gambling at the age of 15, pumping all of my hard earned weekend work money into fruit machines in the local arcade. I’m now 33 and although I eventually got fed up with fruit machines, I started to bet on football and horses, first in the local bookmakers but eventually this would lead to online betting, where as we all know, money doesn’t feel real. The first major blow I had was coming home drunk and losing over £2k to online Blackjack. I woke up the next morning so desperately hoping that it was a terrible dream. It wasn’t. I will never forget that feeling I had yet I keep on going back to it.
Over the past 10 years or so I have been on a bit of a loop. I know I have a gambling problem, I don’t shy away from that, but I keep getting myself into a financial hole with payday loans etc, bailed out by my father, or paying things off using debt charities. Then when I finally get things on track, I quickly find a way to destroy it all again. It’s such a vicious cycle, but I need help to break it for good.
Unfortunately everywhere I look these days, all I see is gambling advertising, and this makes me feel like it’s been normalised. I also try to trick myself all the time. I am registered on Gamcare but it’s not a full proof system, and I always find a way to beat it but signing up for duplicate accounts as I self-excluded the first one. I find it easy as I just use my middle name instead of my first name, you know the drill…
What I’m trying to say is, no matter what barrier I try to put between myself and gambling, something in my head sees that as a challenge, as in, can I beat that, kind of con the system if you like. I work in IT, so gambling blocking software is a non-starter for me. I will always find a way around it. The way I see it at the moment is, if I want to stop gambling then I have to stop myself, and not rely on software, or self-exclusions etc. I need to find a way deep inside myself to say: NO MORE.
I would be grateful for any advice from anyone who has found themselves in the same situation and has beat it.
My current circumstances are: I am about £7500 in debt, which sounds a lot but is manageable. I have set up my own arrangement with each creditor to pay it off each month. I currently pay £500 a month towards clearing debt. This is affordable to me (as long as I don’t continue to gamble). In August last year my girlfriend and I bought a house (using her details as I would currently not get a mortgage given my awful credit score). I currently feel like I am letting her down, and my father down. I know I am. I should be giving them a much better quality of life, and I’m disgusted in myself. I won’t lie, I do have some bad thoughts here and there, but to be brutally honest, what I really want is to turn my life around, beat this thing and give me girlfriend a great life, and treat my father as much as I can. I owe them both, not just financially.
Deep down, I think I’m a good person, but I can be horrible to be around when I’m in this horrible scenario. I hate this feeling, but why can’t I shake it? Why do I keep going back to it when I finally do get things sorted and on the right road. It’s as if I always need that challenge, and can’t sit still with a comfortable life. You know how you get 2 types of people, 1 type is people who live a constant life, never too high, never too low. I’m the other part, never constant, I experience extreme highs and extreme lows. I need to change that, but how? At the moment, I’m at an all-time low. I feel like at 33 years of age with a good job, people who love me, I need to fix this quickly before the prime of my life disappears. If I stopped right now and fixed it, by the time I’m 35 I could be debt free and on the way to building up fantastic savings, I just need to figure out the path there.
Thanks.
R x
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
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And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
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Its a funny thing about gambling addiction, that it’s never really about the money until it’s all gone. That’s when money and the lack of it comes into play. Most people will quit when they are up, having «won» money. We won’t stop. It just keeps us playing for longer. I crave the surge of adrenaline I get when I see the bonus symbols pop up for the bonus. It means I beat the odds. The amount thereafter never gives me as big a thrill as those dam bonus symbols. That’s why the manufacturers of the machines make it loud and colorful for us. It fuels the fire. I crave that feeling every day. I too have registered many times on the same online casinos. I have many many email accounts to use and have a middle name as well. I have self excluded from every one and still find new ones to lose money to every week. My life isn’t in shambles yet, but I am the mother of a girl in university and want to get my crap together for her future and mine.
I think that we all want to stop, and want to do anything we can do it. Or do we? The only thing we actually have to stop is gambling, nothing more, nothing less. Seems simple enough. I don’t want to be one of those poor souls wandering around casinos looking lost and searching for that one machine that’s going to hit big. I hate casinos. I always have a headache by the time I leave. It’s never a good time. Same as online. I will play until I actually hate playing. It’s the bonus symbols all the time. I am waiting for them to appearance give me the rush that I need. I am not a compulsive gambler, I am addicted to the rush of the bonus rounds, of beating the odds. When I get them, I feel victorious. Anyone understand? It says that to successfully beat any addiction that is of a behavioural nature you must replace one behavior with a healthier one that brings about the same feeling. I am going to try getting a rush from not gambling one day at a time. Its a .long shot. I made 7 days last week with nothing. Then my day off was a bust. I’m not sure what you are getting from the type of gambling that you do but is it so much better than the feeling of being in control that you are willing to live with the feelings of waste and disappointment in yourself? What would you really give to feel pride in yourself again? Imagine the feeling of being gamble free for one month. Then just do it and see how you feel. I felt great for the 7 days I was free, then awful for one. It wasnt worth it for me and I am going back on the wagon. I’m trying for 2 weeks. Gonna see how good that feels and go from there. If it truly is like any other addiction then we have to free ourselves from the rush, reprogram our brains to simpler methods of getting the pleasure, and that takes time. Try one day at a time, then two and walk the walk that will make this happen. It won’t be easy. Addiction is a bitch. Fight for your life because it’s only you that can do it and no one else.
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