i guess you are right, i do like listening to people to disern where i stand and who i am. i’m just not ready to just forgive people, i find it very hard. i know what you are saying is very wise and mature, and i would like to continue the friendship with him but not when i get pushed away, if he doesn’t want me to call him then he should just say he can’t talk, if he doesn’t wanna go out then why ring me and ask me? i get confused and hate when i get the blame. besides, he talks about how much he is worth but he doesn’t want to spend money…it’s complicated.
anyway, i did well today. i went to the train station, and usually i would go straight to a venue, i just told myself outloud that gambling is not an option, and to do something else as a substitute meaning focus my attention on what i set out to do today. so i got through the day easy peasy and things went bad but i didn’t lose my cool. i just took it for what it was, and moved on without freaking out or getting too angry. i am making progress. i am sick of thinking that life is not worth living.
so still gambling free days behind me, including today and so on. i want to reward myself by gambling then i remember **** i can’t go anyway.
 
as to my barriers, i keep very little money in my bank account so my withdrawal limit is low, you see one of my bank accounts is an internet account which i can’t withdraw from it is a savings account from my bank which i can transfer money only if i do internet banking, also i have banned myself from the venues close by. if i get the urge, i have to think twice. i need help

hey, so this morning i wake up to tranfer money (internet banking), to my surprise i got paid today, i had totally forgotten it was due, so more money more insecurity, i go out luckily i am banned coz i had the urge to gamble, i said to myself only a little. but then i couldn’t go anyway. luckily, i have structured my day and my environment so i don’t gamble. i got sick of never finding the right shoes at an op shop, so i just went to a sports shoe shop and bought a decent pair of new shoes. i am so happy and relieved. i am lucky i have money, no doubt. i am very lucky in that regards, i pay little rent coz i live at my friends place. if i continue like this i would be able to go on another oversea trip by the end of the year, financially i could, however i don’t like the stress of travelling, it is worth it i know, but i just can’t go on a flight without smoking etc and then through sercurity and all that woithout losing my head. i would love to visit my mum’s dog back home because i miss him however. that is the truth. last night i watched a movie, then had a shower, then stayed up all night listening to famous love songs. it was something lol. i don’t know what got into me. eventually at half past 3 in the morning day light saving time i said time for bed and went to sleep.
so between waking up, having coffee and lunch, shopping groceries, walking the dog, cooking, listening to music, and going online, i don’t have much time to make the trip to go gambling and put myself in shame and blame and self hate because of gambling. i would like to celebrate by gambling a little, and since i got paid i wouldn’t mind, but then again i know what is going to happen, either way, i will end up with wasted money or even worse hooked, and a fool for the machines. it disgusts me the very act at sitting there and playing for crumbs. i don’t think of it as enjoyable. i need help

i couldn’t stop the urge, i just slipped today. i have to be accountable here, by being honest. so i got paid, and then i was watching youtube videos of slots bonus rounds, the urge was too much i couldn’t stop it or walk away, i couldn’t even think. i just got this nervous anxiety the feeling was too much. i feel aweful, i don’t want it to ruin my good flow i have been experiencing. of course i spent too much, i spent all i had on me. when you are there each spin leads to another. it was all take take take, i just lost and lost too quick too soon. and i felt dirty and disgusting afterwards. i am just glad it’s over. what can i say? i really don’t know anymore, i don’t want to feel like this is insurmountable, i just have to not tempt myself next time. lost too much. i am just going to deal with it. i need help

im sorry flo.  geees i know what your feeling and sure does suck to have to go threw all them feelings again.  did it to myself on friday so know where your coming from only to well.  we’ll get threw it girl and every day seems a bit easier in our acceptance of it i guess.  maybe takes a dream or a vision of some kind wonderful thought in our heads that we havent come along yet and seen.  i wanna say its in there and guess we gotta keep digging to unlock our own secrete to this.  kinda like a treasure chess in a sense and we just gotta find that right key.  thinking of ya and hang in there.

hey flo, hope all is good and thinking of ya.  day 4 for me and guess no big thrill at seeing it.  better than the alternative though i guess and guess ill take it.  lol  hows it going with your days?

Hi Flyorra, day 4 here aswell and looks like there are a few of us starting over but i guess thats all we can do.  Better to start over than to never return to trying
 Living with Hope

time to get serious, i have to find the courage to ban myself from these venues i have gone to gamble, i left them there so i had an avenue but now i am trying to solve this problem the right way, not half half. if the urges don’t come in the first place then i win the battle but if i have urges i have to be banned to stop me from going. this is not about rewards or leasure or happiness, this is about being a mere mortal wanting freedom. bruce lee once famously said, there is no opposition, in other words once you acknowledge the opposition you have to fight it, what if there was no fight? what if you could overcome this addiction by saying you don’t matter to me, i am not going to waste my time on you anymore. mind over matter, what you don’t mind does not matter. there are other real problems to face, the problem of being human, to satisfy hunger and thirst, the need for protection. we have to look around us in the world and see what is going on. what does being alive really mean? can we go outside of our box and think beyond convention? i have the freedom to live, other people’s force and greed is wrong, with being alive comes responsibility to myself, so this is not about money or kicks anymore, they have no real value and are fleeting, life remians with me until i am dead. this is a challenge, i did not ask for it, as with many things, but i have the power of choice, to go to a venue and relieve myself of an urge, or to go to the source of the urge and question it, dissolve it. we come into this world, with no handbook, we go down our road and we realise truths. when i am philosophical, i am not restless, i am not going to go gambling, so here i am ranting. i am tired of looking outside for the answers, tired of people who want to judge me and put authority over me, i know fundamentally i am free from all this, as a society we play this game of ping pong, when i dream of a utopian place deep inside i know it can exist anywhere due to what i have gone through in the past, i managed to reach this freedom before, it is the true self, the essence of our selves, and no body not even our physical body is tied to it, it is freedom the very expression of freedom. somebody once said in a book i read long ago, that once you have seen the light inside the palm of your hand then you can’t say you haven’t, you only want to see it again and nothing more. i watched a video on youtube about the strawman, look it up, anyway…the questions are easy. is there anything of true value in the world? is there? aand recently i asked myself a simple question from the movie good will hunting, "what do you really want?" this is a simple question, but the answer is complex. the answer is an adventure. some scientists call ants, robots, i don’t want to become a robot or as i call them zombie. i look at my life, which is the result of a succession of generation, and the best thing perhaps was when i said to myself, that’s it, enough is enough, i am not going to have a child or children. this is it. this is the last chance, like i am the last person on this road. some people have children because they want to relive their lives, or they want to produce more human life in other words. deep down i know there is no intrinsic value in life, is a series of cycles leading to nowhere. beside i am not capable of going through the process of making a new human being. i want to give rise to souls, not bodies, for bodies are limitations and thus have no true value. i need help

well good to hear ya talking in the positive.  guess we bring ourselves down enough going the other way and nice to hear ya upbeat.  keep them days going.

Flyorra,  Sorry about your slip.  I have been thinking of you. but just been busy.  Sorry about not responding sooner.  It sounds like you are a little more positive than the last time, and I am glad of that.  I have been praying for you and feeling that you can get past this and start over.  To not be too hard on yourself.  You are  philosophical.  I have seen that light in the palm of my hand.  But this is why I believe there is intrinsic value in life.  Every life matters and has value, including yours.    There is value in the world because we are all connected by that light.  There is evil because people reject that light, they turn away and follow something they mistake for the light.   "What do you really want?"  Well that is a great question.   I am still looking for the answer to that one.  Maybe it’s not just one big thing we are looking for…one big, if I have this thing that I want, then I will be happy.  Maybe the power is in asking.  Every season, year, day, hour is different, and what we desire out of life changes.  It sounds simple, but I think everyone wants to be happy, but it is up to us to make it happen.    Flyorra, you may not believe this, but you can find what you are looking for.  Keep asking that question.  It’s a really good one.  And keep looking within yourself.  The light is there.  I need to close.  I wrote more than I intended.  I hope some of it makes sense.  Good graces to you.  Stay strong.

hi ty all again. i feel ****ty today, can’t seem to feel good at all. i have an incredible ability to make no sense what so ever. anyway, there are a heap of different slot games on facebook i have used as a substitute. it takes some mental effort to play slots, so now that i am resting in bed and very tired i don’t bother playing. i am upset how the world seems perfect. everytime i quit gambling i get sad and depressed and want it all to end. i consider myself emotionally crippled from what abuse i have gone through in life, sick of blaming myself for everything. i am suspicious, sceptical, i know too much that is the sad thing about it, i know what i have been through, it’s a matter of tolerance not of fixing what is broken. see the honest man’s honesty is slowly running out. i searched my whole life looking for books about emotions, there are a few, if any, and they are short. emotion rules me just as much as the physical. knowing we are the victim of life, because we are a soul, we have this vehicle, we are aware that nothing makes sense in the bigger picture. i am so sick of not understanding, i understand nothing right now, i don’t want to turn to a psychologist or a pyschiatrist to pass judgement on me i have been there done that, there is so much bull**** in the world, nothing is what it seems, i want to be bleeding until i am all bled out, everything in the establishment brings me down. what i want is impossible and not possible. i am different, i am only half human, my other half brings me down, in a world where i never get what i want, no respect, people are dictators of my life. happiness has no true value to me, you can’t hold onto it and say "i am happy" that is false, you literally are never happy by nature of happiness, it is not you. i need help

Originally posted by flyorra

hi ty all again. i feel ****ty today, can’t seem to feel good at all. i have an incredible ability to make no sense what so ever. anyway, there are a heap of different slot games on facebook i have used as a substitute. it takes some mental effort to play slots, so now that i am resting in bed and very tired i don’t bother playing. i am upset how the world seems perfect.
… everytime i quit gambling i get sad and depressed and want it all to end …
i consider myself emotionally crippled from what abuse i have gone through in life, sick of blaming myself for everything. i am suspicious, sceptical, i know too much that is the sad thing about it, i know what i have been through, it’s a matter of tolerance not of fixing what is broken. see the honest man’s honesty is slowly running out. i searched my whole life looking for books about emotions, there are a few, if any, and they are short. emotion rules me just as much as the physical. knowing we are the victim of life, because we are a soul, we have this vehicle, we are aware that nothing makes sense in the bigger picture. i am so sick of not understanding, i understand nothing right now, i don’t want to turn to a psychologist or a pyschiatrist to pass judgement on me i have been there done that, there is so much bull**** in the world, nothing is what it seems, i want to be bleeding until i am all bled out, everything in the establishment brings me down. what i want is impossible and not possible. i am different, i am only half human, my other half brings me down, in a world where i never get what i want, no respect, people are dictators of my life. happiness has no true value to me, you can’t hold onto it and say "i am happy" that is false, you literally are never happy by nature of happiness, it is not you.
i need help
Good morning Flyorra,
You feel depressed every time you quit gambling, or maybe more accurately, each time you attempt to quit but still gamble; so that it might be your ongoing conflict in your desires that is the problem, not quitting. You stated the similar feelings when you joined GT, "i am out of control and addicted to gambling … I am in a lot of psychological pain because of this addiction"; but at that time you were speaking of part of your life that had been proven without challenge.
Now that you are working toward a renewed more normal way of living, each time you quit you challenge the good that awaits you by returning to the psychological pains of gambling.  I have looked at your topics on Facebook and at your web page, in these parts of your life you put forth a real effort and show a tremendous ability to think and organize, and to seemingly follow a more positive path toward a happiness that is yours.  In gambling you, like the rest of us, let the addiction fence out these talents and finer character traits; in gambling it is easy to forget the real us that can still make rational choices and use logical thinking in these other areas.
Put the same learned and positive aspects you use in connection with other than gambling issues to help you to make the right choices and take the right actions in this important part of you life.  Stop the psychological pain of gambling by not gambling, and the depressed state you go through in going back and forth between gambling and not gambling could very well be eliminated.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Use the talents and the good that is within you to progress in this most important part of your life.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

hi, ty for your post. i love this site, i can come here anytime and just say things. my facebook is very similar, i change it as i go through life, and my website that is another one of my walls i have built up in life to make me unique. i still don’t find agreement with life, besides that it has given me time to reflect on it. i can be radical in my thoughts, like my belief that life is not worth living. i watched a thing on t.v called the odessy of life, where this woman is having a baby and they document it all, society idolises this task of making a child…ok i have lived and learned but to assume that future generations are going to have it easy is a false belief. i don’t regret my past, what i regret is that i am still here with the responsibility of living life as a human being, which i find overwhelming in itself to get to point of my argument. we will all turn to dust, there must be a short cut. anyway, it is 5am here and i have stayed up this long playing facebook slots. and i do feel better to some extent like i am coping in this way. playing slots has become an entertainment rather than an act of spending money which i don’t like to call money money at all, i call it credit now. credit can you food etc. whereas money is power. and as we have seen, i misused my power when i went gambling. i still play the slots until i have no credit left, recklessly, however i am not using money. i am just getting lost in the game. i am not good at giving up my addictive habits.i need help

Hi Flyorra i think its good to say whatever you feel regardless of what anyone thinks.  Its your journal, its for you.  You have the freedom to do that.  I read the sadness in your posts, i have that sadness to Flyorra and can only hope i can end this madness that is gambling one day too. I didnt know there were slots you could play online for free.  Maybe this would help me when i have bad urges too.  Keep going, and keep trying, we are still here trying flyorra and that is what matters
 Living with Hope

yes there is a bunch of new slots for free o  facebook, like 3d slots, slotmania or caesar slots or yazino etc, they are all different and quirky in their own wayi need help

yeah the free ones are ok but find if i play em when i got cash in my pocket the cash be no more.  lol 

i don’t know what to do with the rest of my day. i am contemplating saving money to go to europe next year during their spring/summer. i want to see the greek islands, i think it is worth visiting since i have never been there before only seen pics and i like it. no sure if greece is economically viable by then who knows, i have been to other european cities and i especially liked paris and berlin and rome and vienna, in no particular order. it really does something to your soul when you visit places with all that history and culture. i have also been to spain but i didn’t really go around seeing sights when i ws there, i pretty much stayed at home baby sitting, but atleast i can say i have been there. lol.

i haven’t been gambling but i am getting bored with life. i no longer play zinga bingo it doesn’t turn me on. i no longer do my sit ups because it still hurts. i eat too much always hungry on these nicotine patches but i use them to save money not smoking, altho i still smoke in the morning. i took the scooter out today and did some shopping. i have too many drinks now. luckily the friend of my housemate his wife ****s us meals and he brings it over in the evening, i just don’t eat the meat. i still walk the dog in the park, so i am active, but i mainly do it out of boredom, everyone thinks my housemate is lucky i am walking the dog and babysit the dog, but really i am lucky to have something to do, company on my walks in the park really. it’s no fun by yourself is it? i have been on facebook there is alot to share on there as i do have plenty of pages and also i share on my wall and i read, i like to get my news by reading. i did watch a little bit of deal or no deal, and i watched some dr.oz too but that is all i watched on television because of all of the bad news, makes you think the whole world has gone out of control. i read about this billionaire guy in russia who wants to tranfer human consciousness into robots promising immortality, hmmm i wonder what that would look like. of course there is no such thing as immortality only longevity, everything fades away and nothing lasts forever and ever and ever and ever. you know what i mean, i have been over this before. i must admit i would like to win the lottery, but that is never going to happen. i can hardly win at bingo let alone lottery. they had 10 million up for grabs. i imagine how i would live then. big house. pretty furniture. bills paid. guard dog. then i might not be lonely. i would travel the world, see places, take photos with a decent camera. go to all the museums of the world, hahaha. as if. i don’t know, i would still be lonely at the end of the day. i would still be hungry and thirsty. i would still need security and saftey. i would definately get a safe house, a house no one could break into and lock myself in there forever, ha what would i do all day? i might now turn the bloody laptop off, get off the internet and read a book, i mean i borrowed the books so i would read them, and no i am not reading fifty shades of grey lol. life is so meaningless. apart of me is atheist then i have apart of me deep down where i believe in some kind of fantasy. life is so much easier to deal with through the atheist point of view. i have lost my will to debate the existence of god. i have lost my desire to feel a god presence in my life, because of what i see going on in the world, the hate in peoples eyes, the indifference, the cruelty, the misery, and the sheer bad luck. we are inundated with a world of bad luck. this cab driver gets stabbed to death, a guy wants to impress his friends by lighting a firecracker up his bum and he gets burnt, a kid plays with a portable dvd player and gets burnt too, all this bad luck surrounds us. i think i might come here everyday and report all the bad news i come across. there have been alot of buglaries in the west, i live in the south east, with machetes can you believe, and you wonder why i don’t want to work. i don’t want to be a bludger, and luckily i have been given the opportunity to live life without employment and i have no desire to feed a family, or own drive a car. i don’t pay bills, i have minimal rent luckily in a fairly decent house i don’t have to share with 4 or 5 people where no one cleans up, i don’t have to share a kitchen with people who want to **** at the same time as i want to ****, i **** in the afternoon now anyway, i don’t live with an anti smoking maniac, i can smoke outside, which reminds me on the news this woman was smoking in her car and started an explosion in her car with her cigarette. my oh my. another young woman got killed by some friend or lover. it is a scary world we live in, that is why i hate when people want to claim that we in australia are blemish free, i mean there was a pic of a caucasian man who ********* a woman but she got away. i know it is good when we want to catch the crooks, but will it ever end? yes maybe comparitively we live in a safer place than other parts of the world, but we are all in this together…anyway.

i finished reading a whole book today, a romance novel called not quite a lady. it was a good way to relax and kill time. i might get into reading, but reading is a sedentary past time, although i went out for my walks to the shops and took the long way home with the dog, i didn’t go to the park after i finished reading the book it was too late. i don’t know what to talk about today, the book is not worth talking about. i put on 2kg since i have reduced my smokes to 4 a day, i usually smoke in the morning a ciggi with coffee. then during the day when i need a break from everything i take time to have a smoke, to recharge my senses. the footy show is on tonight, i like the nrl and the afl footy shows both. i hope i actually watch it since today all i watched on television was the view. according to them schizophrenics are serial killers, so there you go. i told you that i read on comments in a scientific journal that they diagnose schizophrenia when they really can’t classify it as anything else, like i have said i got diagnosed with schizophrnia but i know i have a mental illness due to high dopamine levels, if i did manifest schizophrenic qualities in my past it was due to my abuser being prominent in my life, i still have mental relapses but they come and go, if i didn’t have this place to live in with my housemate and the pets, i would probably regress. rent is so expensive these days if you add bills it gets out of control for even me. i don’t have any savings due to gambling and also due to my trips mainly overseas to visit family, it all costs money and i don’t work, i haven’t worked in 6 years. my dad doesn’t finance me at all because i don’t have contact to him, so people thinking i am living of daddy’s money are mistaken, i just live off the pension like many other people. i have had only bad experiences renting a place with others, i used to be the one who rented out a room and taht wasn’t too bad. until one time i went overseas and this guy said he would rent my room for that period so i said ok and he made the shower so ****** and dirty when i got back i had to clean it all but i couldn’t save the shower door, and the landlord got angry at me when i was the one who tried to clean it up. anyway, some people renting are not clean at all, they make a mess, or is it that i always end up with the messy people who just don’t give a ****. especially men. you can’t trust them. men as landlords you can’ttrust them either. i have had so many bad experiences when i think about it i am amazed that i am where i am today, i mean i am still here after all the **** i have been through. so never judge a book by it’s cover. i sometimes think i have a sign above my head saying, be disloyal and walk all over me. or something. in the book i was reading i think they used to have it right, when they used to have servants and maids, they would clean up the manor, and then the owners would have social luncheons which were gathers to socialise and just be social you know. that would be the ideal way to live for me. i need social contact but without the ****. 🙂 or so i think. maybe i could live somewhere by myself and just be friendly with the neighbours that would be good too. i am thinking if my younger brother finished his year 11, then he could come and live with me here in a student accomodation, we could share the rent perhaps while he studies close by. then i won’t be alone. that is an option. maybe if he likes melbourne, he would stay here with me, to watch out for me. i wouldn’t be so abandoned then. i could still visit my current housemate i wouldn’t be too far away. i could still walk the dog too. but i know my housemate won’t be happy if i move out. he wasn’t the last time.

wow i have been watching the **** between lilkim and nicki minaj. it is really cool, there are so many videos on this on youtube, just look up play time is over it is really interesting because i can’t stomach nicki minaj and now i really see how she just ripped off other artists mainly lilkim, lilkim fans made the videos and they did a good job to put the point out there, and i have respect for lilkim eventho i couldn’t understand her at the time when she was doinng stuff, she is a female black artist and was doing what gwenstefanni, lady gaga, nicki minaj and many more are doing now in terms of fashion wise in the music industry. but nicki minaj doesn’t admit it and disses lilkim, so she had enough and started to tell people how it is in terms of nicki minaj style and music. cool stuff. anyway that is what i have been doing this evening because the olympics took over the footy show.

i just realised it doesn’t matter how many people i have in my life, eventually will end up lonely and alone and i can’t let that bring me back to gambling. i can’t use it as an excuse to escape from the pain of lonliness. i have to find a solid way to deal with it. i will eventually end up lonley and alone so i can’t expect to keep replacing people in my life. i have to get ready to be alone. like a cat is happy alone, i have to learn to be like that. eventually.

i used to work as the paper girl for fairfax community network the melbourne weekly when i was a fulltime student even that 30 dollars a week i earned made a huge difference at the end of the month, especially when i didn’t pick up my pay for over 2 months, i found that the earnings had accumulated then. so i gave them a ring today and they took my details down and will ring me if there are any vacancies available in my area. i will also leave my details for the leader on monday as i know they already have someone distributing that paper in my area at this time now. i also left an ad saying i will distribute business flyers in the area, waiting for email of jobs available for business willing to hire me for that. i figured i could easily do with the scooter, i could always use my housemates scooter because his batteries are stronger. i mean, i do have a bike trailer i ordered i while ago, and it is a decent size. so i figured i’d put myself out there for that type pf work, which i am willing to do, it doesn’t involve much dealing with people either, suitable to my temperament. on facebook there was news that someone had won first draw in the lottery, 50 million, the question was what would you do with that money, and i immediately thought i would be at huge risk of gambling it all away, but if i did come across that type of money for the sake of hypothetical scenario, i would buy assets, like a few houses. i would bank most of it in fix term accounts. but that is alot of money. i am scared i would gamble it all away. i would set myself up, and get my mum to return to australia and set her up too. i would lose my pension i suppose. so how long would that type of money really last if you don’t invest it?
i have done a lot of things to relieve stress, but i do occasionally have a stressful thought, like today i remembered this one time we went out with the boat, and i was standing on the pier, i needed the car keys, so my housemate is in the boat on the water, and he throws his handfull of keys across to me, but he didnt throw it far enough to reach the pier, luckily i stetched out and caught the keys which if i didn’t catch would have fallen into the deep murky water. that was one of those close encounter moments i have had a few. i remember one time i was in paris at the famous hotel the ritz and there was this platform i got on top of it so that my uncle could take a photo, without realising that behind the narrow platform there was a deep staircase going 3 storeys down, luckily i am good at balancing, and i had noticed it luckily too while i was still standing there waiting for my uncle to take a photo, and he took a very long time to just press a button i tell you, i find old people take ages just to take a shot or a picture, whereas i find it very easy and take one very quick. so i was lucky i didnt fall down a whole flight of stairs that night. then there was many ***** when men would talk to me when i was out walking by myself, and they would offer me a lift, these complete strangers, say if it was raining or whatever the reason, and many ***** it has happened to me before when i used to walk everywhere, i even told my counselor about this, i said what if these men were ******* or serial killers, how do i tell them no when they insist to give me a lift? so these are all my close encounters which i think about some***** like flashbacks and i consider them stressful thoughts. they are not business related, i have had many troubles with businesses too where they stress me out for no reason because of bad service. these are some things i need to get out of my system. anyway the footy is about to start my team is playing an arch rival in top form. life is good recently. the weather was sunny although cold. slowly savinng money, i am getting paid on monday can’t wait. i walked twice today, and took the scooter out once. i still spend money on coffee when i shouldn’t i guess thats another addiction i can’t get around. i do smoke less, and feel less of an urge, just an obligation type feeling to smoke first thing in the morning and when i arrive at the shops. all is good 🙂 keep smiling. it reduces stress. so does the ginkgo biloba which helps me stay fresh without nightmares  during the night. i received a months supply of nicotine patches so i am all set for a long time, it’s just i could keep buying the waterproof bandages they are expensive in xl, so i decided to get waterproof tape instead which is much cheaper, i put it on the nicotine patch so it doesn’t fall off even after a shower. i have to remember to buy this biscuit bread, i have it with yogurt tastes nice as a snack. i tell you what zuccini is expensive.anyway i am off.

hi. been a strange day. i oke up didn’t feel like walking, got the scooter out, turns out one of the betteries of the 6 cells it has one busted, so last minute took it to get replaced, got a chinese battery hoping it will work for more than 6 months really but it goes like a charm now. so thats 110 dollars blown out the window just like that. i didn’t even eat until i got home, the sun still shining, i went shopping, second coffee for the day, had first meal after that. food takes alot of money and unfortunately being addicted to coffee takes alot of money too. i only got addicted to coffee about 3 years ago when my housemate always shouted me one, i couldn’t refuse. now i wish i had. anyway, last night i couldn’t sleep worried the gas heater might burn the house down, i keep telling my housemate to use his money wisely from having sold his boat and get a oil hater for the lounge room but as i have noticed with him as with many other men they just don’t listen. like today i told him to lock the gate several *****, he never did it eventually i got sick of hearing him say he will, i did it myself. when i tell him i don’t want to watch the olympics i want to watch the pre show of footy, he doesn’t listen. when i tell the dude selling the battery that it clearly states on the battery not to charge it in a sealed container but it is in a relatively sealed compartment being charged, the guy doesn’t listen. men just don’t listen, they have a problem with listening to females. same as with my brothers, i tell then to do something, never going to happen, you are left high and dry wasting your efforts, wasting your time and your breath. and you really do wonder why medically these people are considered sane whereas people like me who actually listen and take action, we are labelled as crazy and insane. so hear i am trying to get in touch with my mum, of course it’s been over a week since i have been sending her messages but she tells me she is either asleep or at work. i catch my brother online and get to speak to my mum, or so called mum, genetic mum. i don’t feel a closeness to her at all. what does she do first thing, she says and this after not speaking for 4 months, show me your belly, this is video chatting, she just wants to tell me i am fat and that i have a muffin top. i mean i weigh 65 and she weighs 75, but her fat doesn’t accumulate around the waist but it does in her bum, so and then she proceeds to tell me to dye my hair blonde, she tells me to take pretty photos of myself, like i am some kind of i don’t know the whole point. does your mother do that? make you focus on what you look like rather than what you think, feel, and believe? she tells me i make excuses when i say i can’t work, **** if i could work do you think by now to shut everyone up and to rlieve boredom, to have a better life financially, do you really think i would not be working if i was just ****** my illness and making excuses about being on medication? really if i could work i would. and to base ones whole judgement upon a person based on their job or employment is really out of date, it’s not like we live in the 60’s and 50’s anymore. today qualified people with degrees do normal jobs you know.

Dear Flyora! There are many people who do not understand what it’s like to live with a mental illness, and your Mum may be one of them. They don’t understand that it is a fight to stay alive a lot of days, and just because someone seems to function on a daily basis, that their minds are worrying about what could happen in the future, and they don’t see a point of being alive. I know this as I have had several conversations with my granddaughter about it. I understand what you say about not feeling a closeness with your Mum. I feel the same way about my mother. She didn’t protect any of us as children, and when I see the damage it’s done with each and every one of us, I think she could have done a better job. I have telephone conversations with her and pay for her medical alert unit monthly, and that’s the extent of our relationship, except sending her cards and a money gift for special occasions. Hope you get a job delivering flyers as it would get you out more, and the cash will come in handy for all sorts of things. Carole

i relapsed today. yes i went back to the casino after 13 weeks and gambled. it was horrible, my eye balls literally hurt. i did have a few wins, but i was just trying to kill the pain. my whole body has been in pain, so too my mind. going there i was feeling mixed emotions, it was making me nauseous, but i was determined to go there. i don’t want to talk about it much, or think about it much. i just felt really big urge, and i couldn’t go anywhere, i couldn’t cope or deal with everything and the urge. the pain was deep, the urge was too great. anyway, i don’t want to feel like that again. i am trying to get back up to what i was, i have been starting to do so well in recovery, i slipped. now i hope i don’t get the urge again. i was psychotic afterwards. i didn’t process the urge, i just let it take over. i guess i have to start again, as this thread says. i am such a sucker.

i think i am ready to talk about my slip, however shameful and embaressing and low it is, i think i have to out it into words so as to avoid further destruction on my behalf. i was in a lot of physical pain and mental stress, i think both steming from the fact that i am trying so hard in recovery and not getting anywhere, so i feel, so i think, everything is progressing at snail speed. i can not tell you exactly what made me get the urge or how i decided to go gambling, i think we never really know anyway, all i know is that by gambling the pain doesn’t go away, it is still there, you only escape it for a temporary moment. i lost alot of money today, i went back to the atm, i had not even one dollar on me to buy a coffee, or buy anything, i got psychotic, i got angry, i got mad. and the pain was still there, the stress and fear was still there, not going to just disappear by gambling now is it. i just think i had become so empty and my life so worthless and meaningless, like i said you feel an emptiness inside and you punish yourself for it instead of just i don’t know meditating on it or something. i think what i learnt today was, it is alright to be psychotic, being psychotic is a way to deal with everything, it can be a coping mechanism, i way to deal with everything in life. i did have the urge to see the lights and hear the noises, but once i was there, i knew better, i could see right through the machines, i felt so monotonous pressing the buttons, i was fretting about losing my bad, my purse etc, there were alot of people there and somehow that made me feel like staying, and i had won money, after winning, i bet higher and higher until i lost it all. its so easy to lose and so hard to win you see, and then i asked myself when i left the place, if i had won and if i had walked away with a win, big deal, it was not going to make a difference, sure it would mean a free meal perhaps, but that is the most a win can buy you, and that was why winning was so important, if you win you can afford to have a nice fancy good meal. not realising the minute you make the decision to go and you walk through those doors you know it, you know you are a loser. you can’t beat the casino. now i don’t know when i will go back, will it be soon? will it in another 13 weeks? you tell me, all i know is that i don’t want that feeling, having the urge to gambling but knowing you are banned and you can’t go there, it is like a burning desire you need an outlet, like a volcano erupting all of a sudden.
i still have pain, mental and physical, what i have to do now is learn to live with it, just carry on with it. i mean i remember when my dog kiano back home had a sore foot but as soon as you took him out for a walk you couldn’t tell, he wasn’t limping from sheer excitement of going for a walk. thats what it is like with gambling today, i couldn’t get out of bed, the only thing i knew that would ease the mental and physical pain, was my determination to get to the casino in the city to go gambling, the thought of gambling was terrifying and still is. thinking i would lose control again, which is what happened. however tomorrow is a new beginning, i will not let this go on again. i have lost so much again, no way will i be able to get the money back. no way do i want to lose further, and do it again, although i fear that come next weekend i will be at risk again due to free transport. all i can say is today, i forgive myself, why, because i know i was in overwhelming agony and pain, the only way i knew how to stop it, how to cope, was to go to the only place i knew i could go. next time i will just make a trip to a nice restuarant, and have a decent nice meal instead, i won’t go gambling no way you can beat the machines are worse than you can even imagine, they take forever to give you a win, and they give it randomly which is bad. my eye balls literally hurt on my way home, my head was spinning from staring at the reels, i just wanted to bang my head against a wall. the money is gone, what i don’t want is that feeling again, that overwhelming feeling of boredom and emptiness coupled with low self esteem, self doubt and stress and pain in the body, leading me to grasp for gambling. anyway. please god don’t let me gamble again.

Dear Flyora! You have not lost all the gamble free days you have. You just had one day that you gambled. You mention physical pain. I haven’t heard you mention that before. I am wondering if your contact with your Mum and brother triggered a lot of emotional pain and that’s what you had to escape from. Like Ken L says, there isn’t a problem that gambling doesn’t make worse when we are compulsive gamblers. Keep doing what you were doing before you had your slip because you were doing amazing. I’m sending you a hug across the ocean. Carole

today is day one all over again, and it was hard. at one point i headed off to go gambling, then i changed my mind and took the dog out with the scooter around the block, i have plenty of battery. i got home and it was still hard, didn’t feel like listening to music or anything really, so i played a bit of facebook slots. that helped kill some time. then i went to look at things i could buy with my money instead of gambling it, because i realised if i gamble again, i will be making a choice to go back again and again, otherwise fighting the urges will be hard, and i would stand to lose a lot of money. so back at day one. but i got through the day at least. trying to get back into recovery. what ****** me off what i knew exactly what i was facing when i went to gamble at the casino, i knew what i was getting myself into, yet still i decided to gamble. that is what gets me angry. now just enjoying my evening. happy the day is over.

Originally posted by flyorra
 
… once i was there, i knew better …
                and,
… i knew exactly what i was facing when i went to gamble at the casino, i knew what i was getting myself into, yet still i decided to gamble …

Good morning Flyorra,
Being back to day one again is more of a change to a date than trying to get back into recovery again; you are in recovery from the time you first ask for help from a support group or start to practice the principles required to break away. After that start you are in recovery everyday making progress, some days more than others, and some days taking a step backward. It is the day after that step backwards that takes you even further; when you return to working on the recovery program the day after you are growing. Choosing not to gambled that nest day you are realising that if you gamble again, you will be making a choice to go back again and again. And you made the right choice to not return.
I sometime post about new members, and members that return after a slip, being the most important ones to many others. Not to brush aside your hurt or my compassion for you, but your sharing in this experience shows me that nothing has changed in the world of gambling, and helps keep me from going out on my own to find out. If we could only accept what we learn from the mistakes of others, and from our own.
Your telling about knowing exactly what devastation you were facing and what you were getting yourself back into, yet still gambling when knowing better, reinforces my belief that the harm we cause is not necessary a deterrent to gambling. I for one returned to this hell-hole time and time again knowing that the outcome would be the same, that the same pain would follow me out the doors when I left, or worse, much worse. It wasn’t until I allowed the gambling free time that working on a program of recovery provided, instead of the many less quality ***** of not being able to gamble or just waiting until the next time, that I started being gambling free and not just trying to be.  It is knowing that not gambling is better for me that is my incentive and what keeps me free, the thought of loss and harm is not a main deterrent.
You seem to be thinking alone the same line, by looking for things to buy with your money instead of gambling, looking for the benefits of not gambling instead of depending on the remembrance of the harm to keep you away. Memories fade and no longer have the intense hold that the actual events had, present day activities are always with us ans fresh on our minds. Keep letting the present day good overcome any bad choices.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware of the good in the now.
Larry

Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 8/6/2012 3:16:30 PM: post edited by paul315.