[i-did-it]

Today is the start of week 3. I can see clearly the things which are helping me and the things which are not . I am beating this so the unhelpful things must go . I am beating this for me . In fact I would say I have learned that removing triggers is a bigger factor in my recovery than any barriers . I’ve written it before – there isn’t a barrier high enough to stop me if The addiction calls . I need to stop that call. At last I understand why Charles runs groups on assertiveness . I couldn’t quite see the link between assertiveness and stopping gambling – I do now – the biggest trigger for me has always been people putting me down. Now I speak up – and you know what ?- it doesn’t trigger me anymore. A lesson well learned however slowly !

[Monica1]

Answered on your old thread just now. Assertiveness is interesting. In my work i was very assertive, without being aggressive, much less so in my personal life. I kind of drifted with the tide. I guess it is a fine balance between listening, and how to express who we are and how we feel whilst not being selfish and aggressive. I have seen people who claim to be assertive but actually are very selfish and full of me me me. You are not in this category incidentally. Actually I may do charles group on it! It is an interesting topic. I understand exactly what you mean on how important it is for you to be assertive both in work and at home. I recognise a similar trait in You as I have had but conquered it, certainly in the work arena.

[i-did-it]

This post is not directed at anyone – it is a reflection of where I am at today and might help someone who can identity with it.
It is about my experience and my reflections on it –

I am posting a lot today .
I have had a monumental shift in my thinking .
My mother always told me, even as an adult , that I trust too easily. It has been such a hugely recurring theme in my life for the past six days I need to reflect on it. I have realised that maybe I am naive. That doesn’t mean I cannot battle when attacked , it’s just that I am caught completely off guard when attacks come. I don’t see them coming and I’m often not quite sure why they came.

I take people as they are . I believe in the basic good in people. Unless something is very obviously making me feel put down or inadequate I give people the benefit of doubt .

I kinda assume people do the same with me. This is an advantage in my particular line of work because no matter what mistakes are made , I am able to see the good in prople.I don’t hold grudges when things have been resolved – I trust naively that others are the same.

Currently it is like life is sending me huge sign posts -„STOP TRUSTING “ . Wake up and smell the coffee burning .

I have in the past week had an experience in my personal life which has shaken me to my very core – I was confused about somethings and it turned out that someone in my personal life was all the time listening to a manipulative person and assigning all kinds of motives to me .- I have had an experience on here where I genuinely felt I was helping someone and it feels like something similar has happened .

I had a similar experience with f and f some years ago where a person was texting and emailing me about f and f , generally winding me up and of course they came out smelling of roses while I jumped in with both feet.

I am naive – I lack something – I’m not sure what – some kind of awareness – maybe I’m on some kind of spectrum -maybe I’m not politically aware – I don’t know
But how can someone get so many knocks and still go back for more – trusting that people are like me and don’t hold grudges , have basically good motives and see me as a person with basically good motives?

I need barriers in my life – and they have nothing to do with gambling – I need to build a barrier around me to keep people out and to protect me inside !

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica
I feel issues sometimes come into my head – I guess I am quite an abstract thinker – and you have the ability to see exactly what I am talking about and develop it more- with such intelligence that I find myself in awe.

I was writing the post below when you were posting me – you see a similar trait – do you think the trait is naivety? Or maybe a softness which others see as weakness ?
Or maybe just a plain lack of assertiveness – does that come from a lack of self esteem orself value ?
I would be interested in your take on it .

I also am chuffed that you recognise a similarity in us – I would be proud to be like you any day !

[Monica1]

All of the sentiments you have expressed about how u r with people is how I am too. I came a cropper with this when I was much younger. This is how daft I was when I was around 27 and living in a squat. I came across a homeless man. In those days I was full of gods love, just how I was. I took him home and gave him a bed for a night. He then thieved off everyone. I should have been more aware, much more and seen the person, but I was t. But I still choose to be the same way, a lot wiser now of course. I have a basic trust in people until they show me different and I often give them 3 or 4 chances. I do, however, avoid manipulative people. I can spot them a mile off. A lot of air time is given to how gambling addicts re manipulative. I cam quite honestly say that in my gambling I was never manipulative with others. I never sought to hide it and I never borrowed from family or friends to gamble. We are all different people who have this addiction.
And there is nothing wrong with you. To trust people is a positive good thing, until they show you different. And on the f a f front, there is a lot of protection given on this site to f and f, more so than the gambling addicts. I have read a lot of f and f threads recently and some of what they go through is truly humbling pointing out how dreadful this addiction can be to spouses and kids. Luckily all mine had fled the nest before it all started.
I don’t think you are on the spectrum or that you lack anything. You are you and who you are is pretty ok in my book.

[finding_laura]

Hey IDI, I was hoping we’d hook up in chat this past hour but I was there all alone! I’ve always been a very trusting sort, loyal to a fault once I’ve deemed someone a friend. Giving benefit of the doubt was another of my traits. I guess i wondered how someone as soft as me has ended up without a bff. As I’ve gotten older I am a little less so. I tend to look a little more before I leap. Not quite as trusting. But if my choice was cynical mind game player vs over trusting sort I’d pick over trusting. We may get hurt now and again but it is nothing against who we are. Week 3 is awesome. Finding out what will help you keep moving forward is priceless. Have a good evening. And a good week in work.

Laura xo

[i-did-it]

Thank you !

[Monica1]

Your 1406 post has only just come up some weird reason. It’s a softness that other people can view as weakness. I once worked in a job with an excellent counsellor in the late 90s. She was exceptionally bright and very assertive in her work. Really good with people. She also made bad choices in men i cidentally dating a rogue. But my point is that she could be viewed as soft but she actually wasn’t. She just had a great ability to empathise and work on the feeling side of things. Some people thought she was a soft touch but she really wasn’t. She could see the good in people, as do I. She was well known in her field and a little like me, not so good on the personal life front. Seeing the good in people can lend itself to making some bad choices such as I have made, but I would sooner have that quality than its counterpart. Incidentally, your abstract thinking is a very good quality. I think ihave mentioned this before. It is the thinking of an entrepreneur. Not all of theideas will be good ones but there will be strokes of genius in there. If you ever get the chance at work to do psychometrics about personality types ala Myers Briggs and roles within a team I think you will find that you have some pretty unique qualities. When I did position within a team I usually get the leader, but also a trusted counsellor who can work on the feeling side of things, an empath. This creates its own problems cos sometimes I don’t know if it is my feelings or someone else’s. But I still prefer to be this way even if it can cause problems and I need a lot of time alone to avoid overwhelm.
So who you are is fine, we just have to be careful who we trust and the choices we make in friends and partners.

[charles]

Ok, I’m out and about and only on my phone, which isn’t very smart. In the intention of drawing a line under things today I have made the decision to remove your other thread for now. I am sure you understand. It still exists and can be replaced if you want but not today. They can look at it in the office tomorrow. Well done on your gamble free time I D I, just stay focused on making that same choice.

[i-did-it]

Hey Charles –
I had just emailed Sam and the thank you was for him.
So thank you to you instead .i really appreciate it !

[i-did-it]

…and now I just want to curl up and cry!
Feeling beaten down!

[i-did-it]

.. but I guess crying is better than gambling.

[Monica1]

Are u ok, is this censorship?

[maverick.]

I did it, Thank you for your posts on my thread, its always nice to see your name pop up, how are you keeping? how is life treating you?, we must try and catch up soon and as always I wish you all my very best.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

I think it’s only one thread Monica and I am grateful Charles has taken this step.
I don’t want to start it all up again so I will maybe catch you later in group .
Your post made me smile – Monica for the people lol!

[finding_laura]

sorry you are feeling beat down! I had done a response to your other thread but it was mid removal when i tried posting. I think you should be proud of yourself. You took the high road, you opened a new thread. You are focused on your self which is where the focus should be. You’ve done great these past couple weeks and for quite a while I think you have been moving towards this place in your recovery. Chin up. You’ve got lots to be proud of. This is your journey, your life, your route! Hope to see you later in group. I will likely be at the 10 pm group tonight.
Laura

Laura

[i-did-it]

I feel like a potato which has been mashed .

I survived being pulled from the ground
I survived being peeled
I survived being boiled
I can survive being mashed …
…so long as no one eats me !

Well I am Irish … it had to be spuds !

[alliesmum]

I did it,
After reading your last post on my thread I cried. I cried tears of joy for you.
Handing over financial responsibility is a hard thing to do but I promise you you will not regret it.
This week alone I was able to pay £200 of debts back (owed to family) and also save a little for me and mine. That was money that any other week would of went to gambling and I feel great about it.
I can’t believe how my post has affected you. I never thought it would affect anyone never mind in such a big way!

I just read that your an Irish girl – me too!!

You are making huge progress and even though I don’t know you personally I am so proud of you!

Here’s to a gamble free 2018 & a gamble free life!!

Hugs to you my friend!! Xxxx

[finding_laura]

Seems like hanging out here can have good effects. You never know how they will happen. Our lord works in mysterious ways. Very proud of you IDI. I hadn’t read Allliesmom’s post until after group. So it sounds like you have made some really big decisions! I hope you have found what you’ve been looking for right in your own backyard. Wishing your family all the best. You have got this!
Laura
P.S why weren’t you screaming at me, I did it!!! Yes you did 🙂

[i-did-it]

Day 15
Life is good
A lot to be grateful for but
I don’t want to go to work.

Feel so tired – considering whether this is the right support .
Yesterday was draining .
So many important things left undone as my focus was where it shouldn’t have been.

This is what happens when issues are swept under the carpet .
When things are not resolved
When the people who should act take easy way out .

Doesn’t feel like support right now – feels like a very stressful part of my life (sorry to my supportive friends on here )

I am fed up defending my posts , dealing with paranoia , with egos , with manipulation, with those who never miss an opportunity to jump on the band wagon …

Have to ask myself it is worth it ?

[Анонимен]

Matters between you and I could have been resolved very easily at the time, and they stlll could.

I read on another thread you’ve finally bit the bullet and are taking steps to give hubby control of your finances. That’s not a baby step for you, it’s a massive leap in the right direction. I really hope that you do go ahead with it.

I think you probably won’t appreciate this post, but if you think about it it’s going to be very difficult to avoid each other on the forum.

That said I may well get excluded today for posting the reply to Charles, if not though it’s important for us both to get things sorted. I don’t know if GT would host a closed group with just you and I, and maybe Vera. Animosity, bad feelings, and mistrust only lead to problems for all concerned.

This is an olive branch IDI, it’s up to you whether you take or leave it.

[kathryn]

Geordie is right….what a massive leap! You should be so so proud of yourself.
When I laid all the bills out on the table to show my husband, knowing we would have to sell our home, knowing he could very well tell me to sod off, I had decided to ask him to take control of the finances. He did it, begrudgingly, as he had never paid a bill in his life or had to deal with money issues and had no idea what to do.
The weight, the relief I felt was astronomical.
I hated money. It was killing me and now I didn’t have to deal with it anymore!!!
About a year later I started paying the bills again, I was stronger, and he was over it! Lol
We now communicate often about money. Yep we still fight when there isn’t much, but the bills are always paid and the food is always on the table.
I must say though, with this baby girl coming the bank account is going to take a hit!!!!
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

I’m so sorry that what should be a support has become a stress. Bottom line, you have taken a big step. I imagine you must be exhausted as I seen you were posting late last night. Take a break if you need it but please don’t go without support of some kind. What about a counselor? Anything covered by your work health insurance? Don’t let this affect your recovery and the new path that you are on. Your friends and supporters understand whatever you choose.
Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn and LAura ,
My husband and I have always communicated lots about money – mostly the lack of it lol!
We both earn good salaries, but I have wasted so much of mine .
We checked the bank yesterday and we got a shock- a good one! It was extremely healthy for January ! Just shows you when you watch every penny what you can do !
I have got a few new kitchen gadgets which have pleased me no end – I am remembering that I liked to cook.
I am Looking forward to trying out new recipes .
And I think I might make a chocolate cake tonight – yum!

Today I feel a little like Cinderella !!

Life can change and will continue to change- Hopefully always for the better !
I feel so blessed and my negative post this morning
Is so unlike me – but I guess I’m allowed to have a grumpy Monday morning !

onwards and upwards !

[i-did-it]

I just checked the date and realise today is day 17-
This has been quite easy so far.
Experience has taught me that phases of the journey can be easy and then suddenly – crazy urges come from nowhere.

This time I have no access to money to gamble.
When the urges comes, I have no way to act on them.
I guess that good .

I haven’t slept well again .
Don’t want to get up again
But the day calls…

[finding_laura]

Things will settle and hopefully you’ll start sleeping again. Nothing like money staying where it is supposed to! It’s amazing how that can keep building on itself. I’ve been reading and posting for two hours, terrible for my back. Time to get moving. Talk in chat later if we get a chance. Laura xo

[finding_laura]

coffee break 🙂 Hope you had a good day

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura
And again I had a really good day .

I have had some new people come into my life in the past year or so – and it’s new for me – but they look out for me for no other reason than (I guess) they like me .
I’m not sure why I am always surprised when people drop things for me or go that extra mile – I would do it for them- but surprised I am .
I am blessed in so many ways – maybe when I’m gambling I’m too distracted to see it .

Feeling grateful to have so many good friendships- old , new and developing!

[finding_laura]

That is great IDI, sometimes we forget that things can change in a good way too 🙂 And that we can look for those kind of special people in our lives. And you do deserve it!

I just seen your note. I checked again, no luck. I have to start supper but will be floating around again shortly.
thanks,
Laura

[finding_laura]

Hoping I’ll be able to make the 10 oclock chat. Unless something else comes up!

[i-did-it]

Day 18

Was nice to chat to you Laura .

Not much to report today except it feels like the past is catching up with me.
Some times when i look back all I focus on is gambling – I lived a lot of life before , during and since gambling addiction became a feature of my life. My past is not all regrets and guilt .

Today I am grateful for the efforts I made in the past which apparently still matter today.
It’s that thing of throwing a stone in a pond – we never know who the ripples will reach .

This sounds cryptic but without being specific I feel kinda rewarded for something so long ago I don’t even remember it.

So another great day in recovery .

[i-did-it]

We can avoid posting each other and if we meet in chat be adult and respectful .
If you feel this is not possible I will close my account with GT.
I am uninterested in the group you suggest but if you feel we cannot belong to the same community I will close my account here . This is my final decision on this matter .

[Monica1]

I do hope you stay on the forum. I would miss my good friend a lot if you were to choose not to. Very cryptic re the thing of the past catching up with you. I think the past always seems to have a habit of rearing it’s head. I hacerecently had lots of memories surface and dreams from when I was 19. Everyone says be here now, the past has gone and is a cancelled cheque but actually things to resurface which I have always found quite an odd phenomenon.

[i-did-it]

What was special about when you were nineteen Monica – what is your best memory ?maybe you met a great love ? A soul mate ?
I learned today that the past isn’t a cancelled cheque. People remember things we do for them and often pay us back much later when we least expect it.
Sometimes even the things our parents do for others are repaid to us .
I wish I had learned younger – we should spend our lives earning un-cashed cheques – a lot of them will never be cashed but every now and then it’s so lovely when one is !

[finding_laura]

Beautiful way to look at it IDI. Un-cashed cheques 🙂

I’ve learned that a lot of people remember me for my smile and my friendliness. Sometimes we lift others up without even knowing it. You know what, I have done things to earn uncashed cheques. Like a facebook friend talking about their partner whom they were taking care of in his last days of cancer liking certain fruit. I picked some up when I was in the city for work and dropped it to them on my way home. Little things that mean so much. Or buying heating fuel to keep a disabled work mate warm. Uncashed cheques!

I’m beat tonight IDI, I was in the city today for an appointment and a couple errands before I leave. Laundry to put in the dryer. Pack tomorrow. My list is made so hopefully i won’t forget anything. Time to go lay down and relax. Have a good day tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Yes, at 19 I met a great love but he ruined my life in every way. 1976 was one of the the best years ever. Believe it or not he contacts me 39 years later on Facebook to profoundly apologise for his behaviour saying he regretted it all his life. The.local job that has come up is where I worked at the time. The dream I had was that I was having dinner at his family house when my sons wanted me to go with them and miss my dinner. I refused. What do you make of that? I think it has something to do subconsciously with asking pete to leave.

[Monica1]

Yes, at 19 I met a great love but he ruined my life in every way. 1976 was one of the the best years ever. Believe it or not he contacts me 39 years later on Facebook to profoundly apologise for his behaviour saying he regretted it all his life. The.local job that has come up is where I worked at the time. The dream I had was that I was having dinner at his family house when my sons wanted me to go with them and miss my dinner. I refused. What do you make of that? I think it has something to do subconsciously with asking pete to leave.

[i-did-it]

Mmm-maybe your life is coming full circle –
No such thing as coincidence in life .
Pete is gone and has been gone for a long time – emotionally – just needs to stop being a cling on -and make room for soul mate

Yeah I like this – life is coming together nicely Monica .

[i-did-it]

Day 20
Soo tired

Need to stop these late nights

Life is good

[finding_laura]

Don’t know how you do it and function. Would be nice if GT had some earlier time slots. I just slept 10 hours straight. I was in bed at 8 to lay and watch tv and relax my back. tv off at midnight and I couldn’t wake up at 8 when i had my alarm set for. Just wanting to tackle things early in the day. I leave soon. Slept til 10am. Have a good day. Watch out for the three week urges! You can do this!
Laura

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Maybe your late nights are catching up with you? I also dont know how you do it, late groups and then work. If it’s any consolation, I went to sleep at 6am as couldn’t sleep anD up at 10am. Also feeling pooped today. We get days like these. Like me, you are probably a Night bird, hope you day goes well and talk later.

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura and Monica ,
Thank you for your posts .
My day went really well. I am so lucky I love my work so much.
I just feel incredibly privileged every day .

Laura – is three weeks a normal time for urges ? I have urges for bingo and lottery most days but the last time I got pas t a few weeks I had cut out all types of gambling. I watch the time each night and feel relief when it is too late for lottery and bingo . I know some people say that means I am not In real recovery – but to be honest I am just happy to be gamble free and panic free.
I joined a new club last night with my son – we laughed so much – I felt so happy – then I came home at what could be a late night for most people and went to groups – yes Monica I am a night owl!

I hope you got away ok Laura – enjoy every moment.

The bank statement arrived today – and it is still healthy – I cannot believe a worry free January – I can’t ever remember one before . Of course my attitude has changed – home cooking instead of take always etc. I am lying on my sofa with my big full tummy. By the way healthy simply means I should have enough to see me through to payday – but it’s a nice change .

Going to attend Charles groups tonight – hope to see some of you there .

[i-did-it]

Day 20
I’m a day away from 3 weeks – when I gambled a bonus and thankfully not my own money .

I got the bank statement today – and something has bothered me.
Some deposits seem to have went through days later .
Now I don’t think I have been robbed or anything , but I do find myself wondering if there is money in my account. We are talking about maybe £75 .

I did ask for the account to be closed but I keep getting emails – so I think my request has been ignored .
I am tempted to go on there and check but I know if I do I will play the money and then I will be back to square one.
And getting access seems like too much trouble .

So horrible dodgy site – have £75 on me – but don’t try for more- the card is cancelled!

[finding_laura]

way to beat the urge. talking ourselves out of it. playing the tape to the sad ending (if we play we know it will have a sad ending). Whatever it takes. Glad your card is cancelled. I don’t trust dodgy sites!

Tomorrow will be three weeks! I was going to ask you how the cooking was going. I need a lot of help with mine lol I’m hoping to eat healthy while away.

Have a good day in work tomorrow. I won’t be in group tomorrow evening as I’ll be in the air. But I’m sure I’ll find some time for a little posting tomorrow.

I’m up to let the dog out. Having a hard time sleeping! Nerves likely! chat later. Laura

[i-did-it]

Enjoy your trip Laura .

I am so not a morning person- but it’s the only time of day I move with speed .
I think today I start my healthy eating plan but even as I write I realise that „think“ is not terribly promising .
Best get out of bed and face today –
No urges yet but strictly speaking it’s not three weeks until midnight tonight -determined there will be no 3 week crash for me !
Not that I’m really counting hehe.

Onwards and upwards everyone

[i-did-it]

I have been reading over the threads and reflecting .
I have tried to ***** back and think I joined GT eight years ago. Many times I have tried to stop gambling – I have changed names , threads , ac*****s, had fresh starts, new beginnings .

After eight years on this site I have almost completed week 3.
After eight years I am not even a month gamble free.
It’s hardly a great record – but despite all I am here chipping away at it and trying .

Today I feel very discouraged and deflated.
I have often felt like this in recent years , but I am developing a thicker skin (I’m not sure it will ever be thick enough !)

But I am what I am and I am good enough .
Thank you to those who are encouraging me, supporting me and helping me .
I do believe it will be „this time „.
Xx

[Monica1]

Starting gamblingor relapsing is not an option for me. It took me too far down and there are plenty of people on the site who hit rock bottom. When I was working i would take so many risks with gambling. I had regular money coming in so I would just think money would be coming in the next week so it didn’t matter. Ignoring bills and detaching from life. Circumstances change . What I am trying to say is that I relapsed 100 times in five years but I have hit the point of no return. It is never again for me as it is so destructive when we let it in. Other folks stories on the site remind me of that all the time and I am grateful for that. There is no such thing as controlled gambling. I read a lady’s post on another site saying that she was a risk taker and I think there is an element of that in it for us. I guess most on this site have stopped and started umpteen times. So there is no shame in that. As long as we are very clear about our direction of travel now, today.
You aren’t gambling so there is no need to be deflated. Not everyone wins this battle and one thing I have learned that there are no guarantees in life. We put one footin front of the other and walk the path of freedom from this beast.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I have posted on your thread but I will repeat some of it here . Your post really hit home for me – I am fortunate to have my job, but if it were to go for whatever reason, I would be in a very bad position . I would be homeless and completely broke.
It is a sobering thought.

I totally agree – there is no such thing as controlled gambling for me although when I am in action I truly believe I can control it – despite every single time failing to – what is that definition of madness again? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ..

I have made it to week 3.
I am feeling very supported on here and that has helped I am sure . I have learned also from the chats in group that maybe all those times when I was in a feeble recovery and reminding people who knew only too well about barriers etc , it may not have been helpful to them- but rather annoying .

I guess we all mostly try to help each other – just sometimes out motives do not come across well in print .
My thread feels like a safe space now and for that I am grateful. I am focusing on my continued recovery and I really feel I can do it this time (please do not remind me how often I have said that over the past 8 years). I feel I have lost some friends here in the fall out and it hurts- but it is what it is is . There are many people who refused to take sides (mine included ) and that has increased my respect for them- I like fairness – I always have !

A sincere thank you to the staff of GT (Charles , Monique and Harry ) for their non- judgemental but consistent encouragement . I’m not sure I could exercise the same patience but please know that there have been the most incredible improvements in my life – stopping hasn’t been a sudden thing for me but I have bounced back very quickly from relapses, with your support , therefore limiting the damage .

Life is generally quite good – I still haven’t got the kitchen I have been dreaming of , for a decade and a half , but today I can go out for brUnch , afford nice activities with my son and have a generally nice day.

Can’t complain !

[DCH]

You can beat the affliction, keep gainful employment, and enjoy the fruits of your hard work and labour

Think of your username
Just-Do-It…..then say……I-did_It….then….keep-doing-It

Take care

DCH

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