[olegna10]

Hi, First, I am a compulsive gambler. My last bet was September 3, 2016. In an effort to get to know me, I’ve been married for 10 years and have 3 children. I started gambling 20 years ago and I think it’s safe to say I enjoyed it for 18 of them. It started off as a fun activity I did with my brother and friends. I would go to the dog tracks, casinos or sports betting. I wasn’t doing it every day, in fact for most of the years it was minimal although did progress as the years went on. However, the last two years of my gambling life, I was out of control. I was gambling every second of the day and it was the only thing I thought about. I was always able to function well enough to care for my wife, kids and job but for the most part my insanity was slowly taken over. I am fortunate that my wife figured out what I was doing before I hit financial rock bottom. I knew for the last two years of gambling that I was in trouble and that “personally” I definitely hit rock bottom. My self-esteem was non-existent. My life was certainly unmanageable and I knew I had a problem but didn’t have the courage to tell my wife. day my wife found out was one of the best days of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified to come home to tell her what I’ve been doing but when I read the text message that proved to me my secret was out I said to myself, „FINALLY – let’s go deal with this.“ The next day I attended my first GA Meeting. I went to GA after doing a search online about getting help. Prior to that moment I didn’t really know what GA was besides the words „Gamblers Anonymous“. I walked into that room that day for ME. I did not want to continue the path I was going down. My wife finding out triggered the event of going there but I wasn’t going for her I was going for me. „I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.“ Over the past 10 months I have gone to GA, have gone individual therapy and even marriage counseling. I’m happy to report that I am doing very well these days. My mind is clear, my priorities are being aligned and every day I am learning something new. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot more to learn before being where I want to be. Unfortunately, my marriage is not going well these days. I’m afraid the shock of what I was doing is too much for my wife to handle. I still have hope but as the days and weeks go by I see the distance between us and it’s painful. I love my wife and I am sorry for what I have put her through. My wife was very supported when this all came out. Yes, she was angry but very shortly after finding out (with some guidance from her therapist) she took over all the bills, watch the kids in the evenings so I could go to meetings. You name it she was there to help even though the anger was always there. She has had some unusual reactions to all this that I don’t quite understand to this day. – She hasn’t spoken to my parents since she found out. Prior to this event she never had any issues with my parents outside of the typical in-law stuff. – Although I’ve had 10 months of therapy (still going on) she doesn’t like the end results of why I might have gambled. She is fixated on something from my childhood MUST have caused this. – She also started resenting decisions I made in the past that she had no problem with at the time but with the revelation of me gambling she now had a problem with how I handled it. High-sight bias is the term I learned for this. – The most recent reaction is the most troubling and what I need help with. After doing ok through the months (not great but at least talking and doing things as a family) she decided she is exhausted from helping me. She wants to look out for herself and doesn’t want to have much communication with me aside from the kids. She has 100% emotionally abandoned me and it hurts so much. Over the past ten months I have followed the typically recovery that needs to be done to overcome this. I have taken this very serious because I didn’t want that life again. I have sat down with every loved one (her side and mine) to talk about what I have done. I continue to go to GA, therapy but unfortunately she doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling at this time. Our marriage counselor became her second individual counselor over time. I thought that was kind of odd. I guess I’m not sure what I am looking for from anyone. I’m sure someone is in the same shoes out there. I’m just wondering what level of communication (or space) I give my wife to reflect on what I have done. I feel like too much space and our marriage is going to fizzle out real quick – unfortunately that’s the new path we’re on. What can I do to help my wife at this point? Anything or just pray and hope for the best? Thanks,

[Анонимен]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing.  We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support.  We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment.  The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward.  So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

n

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and  terms and conditions so you know how it all works!    

n

[velvet]

Hi Olegna
nI am a facilitator for Friends and Family on this site and as such speak to wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters of CGs who are either still actively gambling or are seeking to control their addiction or who have controlled their addiction.
nGoing to GA just for ‘you’ was the right thing to do – trying to control the addiction to gamble requires a selfishness of thought and personal determination so well done on your perseverance.
nFriends and Family often try to establish what triggered the addiction in the first place and usually believe that in some way they are to blame. It might be that your wife believes that your parents are in some way to blame and/or maybe they have said something untoward to her about you. It happens.
nA long time ago I saw a counsellor who spent the whole session barking up the wrong tree, trying to convince me that the problem in my life was ‘me’ – she had no comprehension of compulsive gambling. I had unhelpful experiences with doctors and a psychiatrist, although the main support there was to tell me to throw my CG out of my life. It wasn’t until I went to Gamanon, which is the sister group to GA, that at last I found out that I was not alone. There were no counsellors in the room but from that moment on my life changed.
nSo although I am not in the same shoes as you, I have certainly walked a long way in your wife’s shoes and I would love to welcome her into our F&F group on Thursdays 20.00-21.00 hours UK time / 8–9pm BST. The forum is also there for her if she wants to communicate before then or at any other time. Our Helpline is open for her too.
nI don’t have a magic wand or a crystal ball so I cannot guarantee you the outcome you desire but I firmly believe that sharing with people who have shared the experience of living with the addiction to gamble is brilliant for those who love CGs.
nI wish you well and hope to welcome your wife should she want to talk to people who understand her.
nVelvet
n

[kathryn]

Firstly, congratulations on your gamble free time, a day without gambling is a good day for sure!
nWith regards to your wife. I have no idea how she is feeling, I wouldn’t pretend to know. In saying that I can reflect on what happened with my husband. Our stories are slightly different in that he did not leave. BUT there was a lot….a lot of mistrust. Rightfully so too. I could not be trusted with money. My self excluding from all gambling venues within an hours drive from my home has eased that worry.
nI’m wondering if your wife is going through a grieving process of sorts. I’m sure the loss of money has been hard for her to take, but I have a feeling that its the lies that have hit her the hardest.
nWhen we stop gambling we feel euphoric. Finally, the jig is up and we can no longer hide what we have been doing. A massive weight is lifted off our shoulders.
nPerhaps, for your wife, she feels that the burden has been put on her shoulders. And I’m sure that it is totally exhausting. Having the children to look after, then the responsibility of dealing with your mess. (sorry if that sounds harsh, I’m going on my experience here).
nYou said it yourself, the day she found out was one of the best days of your life. And for her, well I’m sure it was one of the worst.
nWhile we have to work on our own recovery, I believe there is a certain amount of leaning we have to do on others. To vent, cry, whatever it is we need to do.
nI’m not sure that your wife has abandoned you emotionally, I just wonder if she just hasn’t got any more to give right now. She needs support just as much as you. And as velvet posted, I do hope she finds her way to the friends and family forum here, not only will she learn more about how this addiction sucks out our soul, but I’m sure she will get some brilliant advice on how to deal with her own emotions. I’m only guessing here, but perhaps she NEEDS to know why you gambled, unfortunately that’s not always something we know. I certainly don’t. I know why I went there, but how I ended up a CG I will never know. Ive let that go.
nMaybe you can let your wife know that you are there for her, anytime, for anything. She might just need to step back and process whats happened, it must have been a terrible shock for her. Time can be our friend. Remember, keep working your recovery, you are doing great!!!!!
nI’m not sure if I have helped you at all, but I have heard you. I hope things work out, please keep posting and reading, it does help a lot to be able to write down your thoughts.
nI wish you all the best.
nK x

[nomore 56]

Hi Olegna,
nyour post struck a chord for me. You said you had been gambling for about 20 years and been married for 10. So when your and your wife met, you were already at it. If it was just for fun or not, she met a man who gambled. So did I. My hb started in Junior HS and when we met he had a problem with it. Not huge but nevertheless and unbeknown to me. It got worse over the next 20 years and ended in a total catastrophy. Eventually he went to prison for a crime he committed to finance the addiction. 3 inpatient treatments later he finally started his recovery and has not gambled for almost 8 years. Our marriage did not survive but we became friends.
nI did get an answer for the reasons he developed his addiction and so did he, which helped tremendously. When he came back from his last and finally successful treatment he was a changed man. Not only as far as the gambling was concerned but altogether. I’m still no sure if I had married him if he would have been this person way back then. Sounds bad but it’s the truth. I also found myself being really mad at times because he had a new goal and mind set, as in not gambling while I was left behind with the damage. Emotional, financially and otherwise. He got the tools he needed to deal with his remorse etc. and I got nothing but trying to come to terms with all my losses. Trust is a huge issue and always will be. I was often frustrated with the fact that he had decided to start his life over kinda and I couldn’t manage that. To be truthful, if my situation would have been different, I would have made a clean break and left.
nEvery person, every relationship is different of course. Does your wife have a way to let out her anger? As far as your family goes, maybe they said something to her that made her mad? The key word is communication and giving each other space, lots of it. This is probably all new to her and it’s a lot to process. If you live in the US, there are counselors certified for gambling counseling, other mental health providers might not know enough about this topic to be of help. Been there, done that. Every state has a Council on Problem Gambling and they are great resources to find the right help. And GamAnon might be a place to start as well. From my experience, the most important factor is total honesty. In every tiny part of everyday life.
nI wish you luck and congrats to your non-gambling time. Stick with it, for you, for her and all your other loved ones.

[olegna10]

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that took the time to post a few weeks back. There was a lot of good feedback given and I really appreciate it.
n
nKathryn, you mentioned something about her not emotionally abandoning me and maybe „she just hasn’t got any more to give right now.“ I think (and hoping) you are right. Although we’re not formally/legally separated we have taken the last month a part. She has visited her family in one state and I visited my family in another state. We saw each other a couple of times to swap the kids but very briefly.
n
nI feel the like the time away has helped a little. I stress „a little“ given that we have had some conversations about where her mind is at but nothing major. Like my gambling, I take life one day at a time. Looking at too much can be overwhelming so little steps help.
n
nShe is coming home this week with the kids so this is a big week in our recovery. I know she still wants space (and I’ll give it to her) but hoping as the days, weeks and months move on that we can really talk about our situation and focus on the solution vs. the problem. At least that’s the hope.
n
nThanks again to everyone that took the time to write something. You words help!
n
nThanks,
nolegna10
n

[kathryn]

I’m sure you are feeling anxious about your wife coming home this week. The kids, they can be a great buffer, and may help ease any tension.
nI would imagine that the conversation that needs to be had will be.
nAll you can do is be brutally honest, leave nothing out, if you are going to start over a clean slate is the way to go.
nWords don’t mean a lot, it will be your actions that speak volumes. Whatever you are doing to aid your recovery, keep doing it. Your wife needs to SEE what you are doing to make yourself well.
nMy husband, when I stopped gambling, threw my addiction in my face for 2 years. I took every single bit of it, I deserved it for what I had done. After 2 years, I said, enough! There has to come a time when, after working hard at recovery, it stops. No one could beat me up more than I beat up myself. The guilt, shame, lies……..
nI’m not saying you need to do what I did. Its just part of my story.
nShow your wife you love her, missed her and want her. Sure, don’t smother her if she needs space, but give her what she needs and things will fall into place. Recovery on its own is not easy, but the people we have dragged into this addiction with us need to come to terms with things their own way.
nKeep working on you…..whatever happens!!!
nTake care, K xxx
n

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