[jazz55]

I’m thinking That Title, "HERE I am" sounded like some pompous pig – like I am someone who thinks they are important.  Not a good start, & didn’t intend it that way – I hit the wrong key, and that’s all there was, to my thread – so would like to Now start off fresh.
I found this site 6 days ago, and bypassed This section, (not knowing any better) and have been very fortunate to discover so many new friends/support systems, etc.
It was suggested that I start a journal, here.
I have been gamble-free for 6 days.  This site has been a Godsend.  It took numerous phone calls seeking help, but thankfully, I found it.
This one was the "Mother-lode".
I self-banned myself at the only casino where I gambled, 4 days ago, and while it was very humbling; I am grateful for doing so.
My heart was in my throat throughout the process at the casino, and it felt as if They were Banning ME.  Photos, paperwork, escorting me to my vehicle, and off the premise, took the life out of me. 
The Good News is that the Next day, I felt lifted.
Can’t, Wouldn’t Dare to go there, made it much easier, the next day.
I’ve been a compulsive gambler for at least 7 years.
Blaming my workaholic husband and his family (family business) has been my excuse/driving force.  It’s Still going to be there, once I stop gambling and I know That.
That’s the scary part. Dealing with it.
I have been gambling (like an out-of-control maniac) for years, and I have to admit that it has been, Like an "IN Your Face- retaliation)  I didn’t realize it fully, but I have alot of anger built up in me.
Crazy, but my "easy-going" husband has just tried to accept it, in the past year, and allowed me to gamble all night, without raising much of a fuss.  And, I have just carried it to extreme. I’m like a kid wanting attention. 
Makes me sick, at myself.
He doesn’t have any idea what kind of money I have thrown away.  He’s asked, and of course, I minimize it (hugely).
The reason he doesn’t know, is because, after we married, (8 years, now) he secured New business for OUR income, so that it didn’t interfere with the Family business.  A checking account for He and I, which he could care less about.  The Family, after a few years, seemed to accept that I was not a threat.  He’s the Breadwinner, because his father passed away 12 years ago.
I ‘ balked’ at the implications for the first couple of years, and eventually, resigned myself to being an outsider.  I still kick up dust, once in a while over It; His first priority, being His Family/business. 
Thus, gambling.  Escape from reality and shoving it in his face.  OMG, how awful I am.
He loves me, He just doesn’t want me to give him any sh_t at the end of the day.  He works like nobody I’ve ever known.  He’s happy as a clam, as long as he has a peaceful place to come home to.  (lots of stress, he endures every day) 
That’s the honest truth.  He farms, builds swimming pools, has cattle in multiple locations, and is now cutting hay, till 8 or 9 pm.
It’s like I have a license to gamble, because He’s never home.  And He won’t stop – Trust Me, He Won’t stop.  He’s trying to fill his father’s shoes, & would feel like a failure if he let anything go.
I’ve tried to talk to him about cutting down.  He’s like one of his bulls.  Won’t hear of it, and gets angry if I bring it up.
His response, is always the same, "What do you want me to Do? Sit on my a_ss everyday, Let it all go to h_ell?" "Is That what You want?"
Of course, I say No, that’s not what I want, I just want us to spend time together, and be like a normal married couple.
I only Wish I could talk to someone who shares the same situation I’m in.
I went to a counselor a few years ago – didn’t mention the gambling, but he just suggested better ways to converse.
I am not worth a damn at communicating (in person)  – I should seek more help, there.  I can communicate all day long by writing…
God Help Me. 
The ONLY thing I know I can do for Myself, is Doing what I’m doing right now;  Seeking help for my compulsive gambling.
I see too, that down the road, I have some tough choices I will have to make.  GOD Help Me.
 
 
 
 
 

[Анонимен]

Brilliant fisrst post Jazz. What a start. I have found it nice talking to you this week, and you seem quite switched on to what lies ahaead. You aren’t awful, as you suggest, are are quite the oppisite for realising you have a major problem with gambling and want to do something about it. There are lots of lady cg on this site and I know a good many are in situations not too dis similar to your own.
You are certainly in the right place for communicating by writing, thats for sure!
When you say, "I am not worth a **** at communicating (in person) – I should seek more help, there." I would reccomend that you do, as cg we are full of good intentions but never seem to follow them through, its one thing knowing the right thing to do, its something else to carry these intentions out.
Maybe you should try your counselling again?
It really is a great post Jazz, worth waiting for!
Welcome along.          Geordie.
I dont gamble.– 05/06/2011 02:30:50: post edited by geordie18.

[lizbeth4]

HI Jazz, Good for your gamble free time and self banning.  I have learned since being gamble free for awhile, that now I have the power and strength to tackle other issues in my life.  Take care of yourself and your recovery first. One day at a time!!!Seize all the good things in life

[jazz55]

I made an effort to discuss my "journal" to my husband when he got home (at 10:15pm)  Not a good thing.  All he can say, is "Get a job and you won’t have time to think about gambling".  Same response, another day.
I’m drowning. 
Tried to really honest about how it’s My problem and My destructive coping… but, all he Heard was I was blaming Him.  I said, over and over again, that I was not putting the blame on him, but that we Both had to recognize how distant we’ve become.  
It’s like talking to a brick.
 

[jazz55]

I have to continue WRITING here, to feel some sort of relief.  I don’t know what else to do.  He doesn’t Hear me.  He turns everything I say, into an ******* on Him.  That’s his Out.  It’s getting pretty intense.  He doesn’t want to deal with any of it. 
My thoughts are, it’s time to lay it all out on the line. 
Right now, he would rather I went gambling, than Talk about our issues. 
Makes me want to go gamble my brains out.
 

[hoops1970]

Hi Jazz,
Wow, I read your post.  Good job on self-excluding!  I want you to know that you are not alone.  We have ALOT in common.  My husband is a dairy farmer and has a full-time job as well.  When you wrote, "I want to spend time with you, like normal married people."  OMG, I have said that to my husband so many time over the past 20 years.  He also ignored my gambling and didn’t say anything when I would be at the casino for 12-16 hours at a time.  He was happy if I was distracted from him not being around.  Then he could work as much as he wanted and knew I could not say anything about it.
You sound like a great person!  I know it is hard to not be down on yourself.  You will work it out.  It will take time…I have been at this for a couple of years and still slipped up just last night.  I hope we can keep communicating out here, I really connected with what you had to say.  Stay strong and take care of yourself.
LisaNot Gambling…one day at a time

[diva1945]

Hi Jazz  Wow!! You are doing an amazing thing banning yourself and journaling to gain support.  I too just banned myself (you can read my journal for gory details, LOL)  I felt just like you did, but it has lifted a burden from my shoulders too.  I can feel your lonliness and pain in your words, and gambling may numb it, but can’t heal it.  I am glad you have found this site because it really is a life saver and so much support from everyone.  You are on the right track and not alone.if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right

[kathryn]

Hi Jazz,
Im so happy you have found this site.  Please dont ever feel that you cant journal here as much as you need to , i did, many, many ***** a day.  I would sit waiting for a response, i needed someone to hear me, to understand…and every time, someone was there.
Your husband doesnt understand this addiction, and in reality, we cant expect him to.  Like someone with any illness, no one understands like another that has been there.  What you are doing for yourself is wonderful.  You have given yourself a chance at a happy life Jazz, and you should be really proud of yourself for that.  Dont let anyone, or anything jeopordise your recovery.  Its your time now.
Take care, and welcome…Kathryn ***
 To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan

[desdemona]

Hi Jazz! When I went to the casino to self-exclude I remember feeling a sense of shock when I walked out if the doors.  felt totally disconnected from my feelings. It has been one of the very best things I have done for myself, though it does not exclude me from the VLT machines which are in every bar, lounge, and hotel. Your husband sounds very much like mine. Emotionally unavailable, and didn’t seem to care if I gambled or not, as long as the everyday bills got paid, and I didn’t make any emotional demands on him. We truly have nothing in common as far as interests go, other than grandchildren. I have heard numerous ***** that I should get a job as well. He says he doesn’t care if I don’t make any money at it, as long as it gets me out of the house. I don’t want to work for little money, even if it does get me out of the house. A few months into recovery, I decided that I was going to leave him and move to the city because he is so self-centered and emotionally abusive.  It felt like it was the right thing for me to do, as I knew he would never even be able to begin to meet my emotional *****. It was the right decision but the wrong timing for me, as the stress of having to look for a job in my field and interview for it, affected my recovery process, as I did not have the coping skills to handle these big changes of going back into the workforce and moving to the city. A friend of mine pointed out that a lot of marriages are based on less than what I had with my husband. She said my husband works, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do *****, doesn’t womanize, etc, etc. That got me to thinking that maybe I could continue in the marriage as he’s away from home for 2/3 of the month, working out of town. So that’s where I’m at now, working my recovery and living one day at a time. Once I sobered up after quitting compulsive gambling, and my thoughts become clearer, and I didn’t have the option of gambling to numb out with, I felt like I needed to address my marriage issues and needed to do it right away. That’s the addict in me that wants to recover now. I’ve heard people say that a person should not make any big changes in the first year of recovery, and I have to completely agree with that, as it takes time to develop coping skills and making big decisions undermined my recovery and led to me choosing to have a few slips. You are right, this site is the mother-lode. I think I have even described it like this as well. Carole    

[jazz55]

THANK YOU for ALL the responses.  It was just what I needed today for a fresh start.  Lots of help from everyone.  Carole, I really Get your advice about holding off on any Major changes during the first year of my recovery.  Makes Perfect Sense – No Wonder I was unsuccessful in trying to talk about things with my husband, last night.  That’s Me – Rushing to Fix Everything, right away.
Invaluable Information.  There is So Much of it here.  How lucky we all are to have this opportunity to grow, learn and heal together.  God Bless Us, All.
 

[hoops1970]

Good Morning Jazz! 
Carole is so right about not trying to fix everything immediately.  I am the same way, I want things to be back to the way they were in a neat and tidy box 🙂  Then I would mess it up and try to fix it again.  I think some of us are expert fixers and when we mess up again, we fix it and it is a viscious circle.  I think I am addicted to fixing my checkbook balance.  I play all sorts of games moving money around and getting it just right and then one night blows it all up and I have to start over.  I am getting quite sick of doing that, which is good! 
I have separate accounts from my husband’s.  I think you said you have the same setup.  I have asked him numerous ***** if we could put our money together and he always says no.  He is a tough ****** and doesn’t believe in having to get help or talking out feelings or any of that "sappy" stuff as he says.  We don’t fight often and if we ever do, it is usally something to do with money.
Anyway, enough about that!  Good luck on finding something to fill your time, you will find something that you enjoy. I have started donating money to causes I am interested in.  It seems better for them to get it than the machines – right!  As a CG, it is hard to give up money for anything besides gambling, so this is helping me to see that money can do lots of good, not just bad.
I hope you have a great day Jazz!  Talk to you soon,
Lisa
 Not Gambling…one day at a time

[jazz55]

Hoops, glad to hear from you.  I like your style – always working, and ‘giving’, as well.  You Go! Girl.  You are Inspiring Me to get off my tail and put Something Back into this world.
I’ve been out ‘watering’ the grass and plants, all morning.  It’s supposed to be 101 degrees this afternoon.  WAY above average for Texas, this time of year.
Hoops, did you play basketball in school?  Just started ‘thinking’ about your nickname.
I Didn’t take Jazz, or play Jazz in Any form or fashion, in case you wonder. 🙂
Today is Day 7, for me.  A WEEK – I’m liking it.
Take care and talk to you soon!
 ~~ Horse sense is a good judgement, which keeps horses from betting on people ~  W.C. Fields…I NO LONGER SUPPORT CASINOS

[hoops1970]

Hi Jazz – No basketball for me…my kids play, I am too short 🙂  It’s part of my last name, so people call me hoops at work because there are 3 Lisa’s on my floor.  I hope you are staying cool…it is in the 90’s here today.  Hot, hot, hot.  Better than 3 feet of snow anyday 🙂 Talk to you soon!
LisaNot Gambling…one day at a time

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