[velvet]

 
 
Lussina has mentioned the CG cycle in her post on Lisa’s thread. I wondered if looking at the cycle often followed by non-CGs, when they don’t have to, might help someone or instigate debate that would help everyone. 
I have gained some knowledge from a CG but the F&F thoughts are mine. I realise I have generalised somewhat but I wanted to draw comparisons in our behaviours.
The CG Cycle
a.         The ‘addiction to gambling cycle’ obviously has no starting point. I am therefore beginning with the ‘gamble’. The ‘gamble’ is the ultimate moment for a CG offering the pinnacle of pleasure and excitement. The mobile is turned off and life is put on hold to avoid interruption of pleasure. ‘The Gamble can last a minute or possible go on for days and weeks but the end result for a CG is ‘loss’ because they cannot walk away when ‘winning’.   A ‘win’ merely raises the excitement further and prolongs the gamble until the inevitable ‘loss’. 
b.         The ‘loss’ brings feelings of failure and worthlessness and inevitably – ‘blame’. The CG cannot blame his/her addiction for the loss because to do so would be to accept responsibility for their behaviour, thus the world gets blamed and in particular those closest. Lies multiply to field questions and censure. Anger, depression and resentment build – the CG feels misunderstood.
c.         A trigger, a spark, an ignition of excitement as the thought of another gamble takes hold with another chance to win but this time it will be different. All previous behaviour is forgotten – it didn’t happen, here is another chance to clear debts and to prove to the doubters that they are wrong.  
d.         Enablement is sought, pay day is eagerly anticipated, If enablement or wages are not obtainable, it might be necessary to steal to satisfy the craving but the tool for the gamble, (money) must be found. 
e.         As time passes and the gamble gets closer there is a palpable excitement – the good period! It builds until the time comes to give reign to the addiction again. Shoes can receive an extra polish on the day, smiles can be bestowed and the countdown commences.
f.          The CG, blinkered to reality, sets out to engage in a ‘Gamble’ and the player returns to (a).
Running alongside the CG’s cycle is the F&F, especially the one(s) closest, the probable enabler.
The Non-CG Cycle
a.         The loved one is out doing what gives them the pleasure.    They are unobtainable. The mobile is off and the answer phone kicks in with the voice that the non-CG wonders if they will ever again hear from a living person.   The fear of finding their CG dead in a ditch or in a cell takes over and sleep is lost, food is uneaten, nerves are frayed, strategies planned, tough measures decided upon, misery engulfs.
b.         The loved one returns but is not happier for their pleasure. The mood confounds the non-CH who confronts or shrinks away but regardless of which, is made to feel tiresome and at fault, just another problem to cap all the other misery that the CG doesn’t deserve. Strategy and tough measures evaporate and the non-CG accepts the guilt.    Love and care is showered on the CG to convince them that life is good if only they ………… but words falls on deaf addicted ears. 
c.         Things begin to feel better. There is less tension in the air.   There is even a smile. Maybe things are not so bad. Memories of good times erase the bad. Logic and reasoning have been tried before and not succeeded so don’t say anything to break the mood.
d.         The CG appears to be making an effort. Maybe a bit of trust was all that was needed. Maybe they do need a bit of money for a good evening after all they have looked after the children or the rabbit all day.   Don’t rock the boat.
e.         The best time. The CG loved one is happy. Not a good time to talk about one’s worries. Enjoy the moment.
f.          The Loved One disappears and the mobile is off. The non-CG returns to (a).
It seems to be that the cycle that is easier to break is the cycle of the non-CG. The behaviour that the non-CG is affected by is controlled by an addiction.    As the non-CG is not addicted and therefore not controlled, the non-CG has to ‘allow’ the cycle of the CG to affect them and therefore has a choice.   
The way I succeeded in breaking my cycle was to become estranged from my CG but I didn’t understand, at the time, about cycles or addiction.  I would like to think that I would have broken my cycle, if I had recognised that I had one too, instead of trying to break my CGs.
 

[velvet]

For BB and anyone else it may help

[velvet]

for Nitenurse who makes divine killer dinners in the face of adversity – well done

[velvet]

Hi Mucklow – this one is for you

[velvet]

For Building Bridges

[mmz]

Hi, i am definitely in the F & F cycle, but the question is how to break it?

[velvet]

Hi Aching Heart
I hope this sheds some light in the darkness for you
 

[aching heart]

I am new to this n have been reading a lot I can so identify with this cycle and need to break it I currently have separated from my cg partner u talk about breaking the cycle how can u so this before it reaches seperation

[velvet]

I think you have read this Blublu – but just in case your haven’t – this is for you

[velvet]

this ones for you ckp.    I believe all you have described is here.  You are in the right place

[adele]

We have a number of new members and new threads so I wanted to bring Velvet’s F&F Cycle back up to the top for them …  and for me.
I still need reminding that I do not have to feel guilty or be controlled by my CG’s addiction and to be ever vigilant that I do not fall back into the cycle of enablement.
Adele
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele on writing Chasing Pavements– 9/2/2013 3:49:35 AM: post edited by adele.

[velvet]

For James – I hope it helps.

[velvet]

You are doing well KB and you have worked a lot of this cycle out already. keep posting

[velvet]

For Sade – because I understand.
Velvet

[velvet]

For Alicyat

You have recognised your CG cycle – I hope this helps

[velvet]

For Nychantal
Hope to hear from you soon.

[velvet]

For Donna – I hope it helps

[velvet]

I have brought this up for Tractored but I hope it also helps others to realise that they are not alone – there is no judgement on this site

[velvet]

For Soph

[velvet]

For Jessie – hope this helps

[velvet]

for Eliza.

[velvet]

For Jordan.
I am writing a post to you at the moment but in the meantime, if you are reading the forum at the moment, I hope this helps to know that I understand
Velvet

[velvet]

For Janel.

Your husband really can change his life.

V

[velvet]

For MIchelle7 – hope this helps

[velvet]

For JLK

[velvet]

this one it is for Hammy

[velvet]

for Elizabeth

[velvet]

For Sheena

[velvet]

H Heatherly

Hope this helps

[velvet]

Hi Gem
As promised – hope it helps.
You are doing great

[velvet]

I hope this helps Kary – post again soon

[velvet]

For Hello

[hope36]

this is eye opening, i am new here. and so many revelations by reading this….thank you so very much. i pray i can continue to be patient in this cycle…..

[velvet]

For Lost and Despair

[velvet]

this one is for Rocky

[velvet]

this time it is for Hannah

[velvet]

for jds

[velvet]

For Twh

[velvet]

For Stacey

[velvet]

For Annie

[velvet]

For Angsty Angie

[velvet]

For Soloma

[velvet]

Hi Soloma
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group, there was another mum in and it would have been great for you to talk to each other, however, I know life gets in the way.
I hope Worriedmama will come back to you soon but in the meantime I will answer your question as best I can and that is that it is often best not to believe what your son says simply because believing makes you more vulnerable and each let-down is more painful. With this addiction the expression ‘actions speak louder than words’ certainly applies. CGs are the masters of manipulation and words ***** for little.
You have written that he has started to put things in place and maybe these are the actions that are giving you hope. What is he doing that is different?
If your son is a CG, as you believe, then he will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and live the most wonderful life. Likewise if he is a CG he does need the right treatment which can be found on this site, in GA or in GMA.
If you have read Worriedmama’s thread then you will have heard my analogy of the addiction being a beast – it has worked for so many and helped many to realise the importance of looking after yourself.
Do you have other children? There is no need to reply but I have a thread entitled ‘Siblings’ which might help and is not far down the forum list. I also have a thread entitled ‘the F&F Cycle’ which I have brought up for you which will hopefully help you realise how easy it is for F&F to become bound up in the addiction and unwittingly enable the CG.
I hope you will keep posting and please talk about ‘you’ because you matter and even though you cannot save your son you can make a big difference to the choice he makes.
Speak soon
Velvet

[Soloma]

Thank you Velvet . Having read this a few times now ,I’m praying I can stay strong and not enable. I feel so scared many times.. but I have support and know I’m not alone

[velvet]

for Misty when she arrives

[howanan]

Hi Velvet

I just wanted to let you know I’m back posting on the forum and say hello to you

[velvet]

For Jane
with apology for not remembering to bring it up last night

V

[lily]

Sorry. Suddenly stopped letting me post so I couldn’t bring it up before

[velvet]

For Frankie

[velvet]

For Caribbean Blue

[caribbean blue]

I have learned a lot over the past few days and I will refer to this often. Knowledge brings empowerment.

[velvet]

for Sandy

I hope this helps

[velvet]

for Northerner because I understand

[jenny46]

I guess it’s the same for both, each one has to be willing to break that cycle, and that often means taking a very big step back and being able to stand still long enough to recognise our own cycle as well as the cycle of those we think we’re supporting.

The difficulty for me was that it took me years to work out that I was a part of his cycle and he was also part of mine.

Jenny

[velvet]

For Chalsteve

[velvet]

For Collections

You are doing well

[velvet]

Hi Collections
If anybody knew that addiction would be the consequence of innocently gambling, there wouldn’t be a need for a site such as this.
I think you are doing well taking control of your boyfriend’s finances and your boyfriend is lucky to have you on his side.
You cannot save you boyfriend, only he can do that but you can and indeed, you are, supporting him in a healthy way.
I suggest that you download the 20-questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website and ask him to look at them. He is possibly unaware that what he is doing has the power to ruin not only his life but the lives of all those he loves.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which if hope will help you see the way the addiction goes round and how those who love them can get caught in the loop.
Looking after yourself is incredibly important, if you allow his addiction to control your life then you will be unable to help anybody, so keep your other friendships alive and invest in hobbies and interests that are not gambling related.
It would be great if you could join our live group where we can communicate in real time. Unfortunately I cannot run a group this Thursday so the next one is next Tuesday 30th January between 22.00 -23.00 hours UK time – you will be very welcome.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

For Yellow Brick road

[velvet]

For Momchait
Sorry I forgot to bring this up when I finished last night – probably due to the snow!

[velvet]

For Sunny

[sunny82]

I see that cycle now. Wow, that is powerful, I am in it not realizing it. I don’t know how to become estranged from my CG and get out of my cycle.

[velvet]

For BV
As promised
Speak soon

[velvet]

for Clare

[velvet]

for JLF

[Bara29]

This is like reading my husbands diary, could not be more spot on. The question is how do I, the non CG break the cycle?

[velvet]

for Ngill

[velvet]

For Momof2

Hope this helps

V

[velvet]

For August

Because you are not alone

[velvet]

For Hesdoingitagain

[velvet]

Hi Horsegirl

I think this will resonate with you

Velvet

[velvet]

For Miss T
You are right when you say that you need support for you. sometimes it helps to know a bit about what happens to you and your b/f when you are caught up in the whirlwind of an addiction

Meanwhile, have a look at some of the other member’s threads – you are not alone.

Velvet

[velvet]

For Yeep because I care

[panterix]

Cycles, cycles….
I even drew them for myself to have a clearer overview. I was aware that we are running in cycles, but I wasn able to sketche them as accurately.
I used to think that “every time I get on my feet I get punched in the stomach by another gamble”. That’d be phase e).
But, if I broke my cycle would that really impact my CG to break his? Ie to stop his addiction? Or I could just (!) stop hurting myself?

[velvet]

Hi KO

I Hope this helps

[velvet]

For Darija – you have done well sharing

[velvet]

For Lind who is doing well

[velvet]

For Hema – maybe this will help you cope – I hope so

[velvet]

For Evelyn who wants the madness to stop

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