[tryingtodoing17]

 

Hi,

 

This is a lengthy post – appreciate the read and any comments if you have time.

 

This is Day 1 for me I guess.

I came clean about the full scale of my problems to my wife and family yesterday after 7 years of being a problem gambler.

Whilst the burden of deceit has been lifted, many burdens remain, with now the burden of debt, shame and disappointment increased.

I don’t know where to go from here. I have read a lot of the posts and material available and registered for assessments.

In the meantime I am lost. I thought I would start by writing some of this down. 

My words have proved meaningless in the past. I am not asking for pity – I am asking for help and hoping any insight I can offer will help others.

 

The most recent loss and plummeting behaviour has led me to accept I have a problem and seek help rather than calculating winning odds to get myself out of this.

To give some background and context , I grew up wanting for nothing. I was a happy child.

As I young adult, I flourished. I graduated and developed a good career, earning up to a 6-figure tax free salary, owning multiple properties, having a jet-set lifestyle and designer wardrobe.

I had a good social life too, with friends and family locally and all over the world who I would enjoy time with. I was in good health and not bad looking too – ‘lean as a steak’ as my friend and gym buddy would say.

I met the girl of my dreams and married her, looking forward to the life we would lead and hopefully the family we would raise. 

I never had problems with destructive addictions of any other kind.

 

I don’t know how or exactly when the first incident occurred. It was around 7 years ago. 

But I am coming to the realization why it happened and has since maintained.

Despite all that I had, I was not content – I was not happy and clearly am still not.

Before I even entered a casino or suffered any financial losses, I was ‘chasing’…I just did not and still do not know what.

Gambling and life-changing winning stories presented a route to more – so I started.

The stories you don’t hear – or choose not to pay attention to – are those life-changing losing tales…until it is your own story.

This is my story.

The start of the onset around the same time of my marriage is no coincidence.

Not because my wife is in any way to blame for this – to the contrary. She has given me all of her and more than any rational person would, yet I have broken her heart so many times.

The pursuit of more seems to have been triggered by the commitment to more – more than me. If I was not happy with the life I had, if I was not happy with who I was – how could I give someone else a happy life, how could I make someone else happy?

Or is that all just some way to justify I was weak and reckless, and blame it on demons. I struggle with this sometimes as I now don’t trust myself and am not sure if I am fooling myself into believing if I was misguided somehow and can recover…or that there is nothing wrong with me and I can ‘win’ again if I try one more time?

There is no one or nothing to blame – I chased a dream and have to accept that I am now living…not in a nightmare, but that this is now my reality. I cannot fall under the pretence that there is anything surreal about this any longer.

I have lost 4 properties, several hundreds of thousands of pounds. I am in a lifetime of debt and am now unemployed.

I have lied to my family and friends. I have borrowed and begged for more that I can repay.

I have ruined family holidays by spoiling memories of each trip by gambling. 

I have stolen from my wife and parents, and required them to pay off my debts with their life savings. 

I have caused considerable stress to my loved ones. I have been intolerable to my wife. I have dragged her out at all hours or I have walked away from her to go gambling and left her stranded.

I have become a dependent to my wife and my parents – in all aspects of life, at a time when I should be caring for them. 

Although I have sought debt relief in the past, I never sought help with the real problem, which has been gambling and chasing something more.

So after the first big life changing loss, and seeking help from my family financially, I still went back. And again. And again.

Despite earning a high salary, I have been living poorly during this period. 

I have not shopped for myself for over 5 years, and wear and use hand-me-downs, such as clothes and phones. 

I have not been able to buy my wife a birthday or anniversary present since we have been married, also for five years now. 

I lived with my wife in cockroach infested cheap, shared accommodation for over a year as I could not afford anything more. 

I could not afford toiletries – and would even take toilet paper from public facilities for months. 

I would eat my wife’s leftovers to save money on my own meal. 

I would make my wife give up on things she would enjoy and need. 

And even though we would live like this with the commitment to save and move forward, all of this saving through hardship would then be wasted when I would give in and lose it all in chasing something more. Because I did not accept I had a problem and find out how to deal with it.

I needed my wife to work 14 hours a day for 2 years to pay off debts I incurred, only for me to build up more debts.

I bought a matrimonial house with a financial gift from my parents – the last of their savings – only for me to be forced into selling the house and losing all of the proceeds.

I have lost my job 3 times over the past 7 years, with my work performance affected. 

My concentration is low. 

My interpersonal skills have deteriorated. 

I am no longer sociable. 

I am no longer healthy – physically, mentally or emotionally.

I am no longer a source of pride to myself or loved ones – their love for me is causing them pain.

I have compromised my religious faith, and the faith of those in me.

The biggest loss of all was our recent miscarriage – which I believe was due to the stress I put my wife under. I have affected her health so badly. She has lost weight and is now losing her hair. I have ruined her life too and she deserves so much more. 

I am now likley to reamin in debt my whole life, be unable to own a home, support a family or retirement.

I look in the mirror now and I do not know who I see.

After reading some of the posts online, I see some of you in the mirror. The person on Day 1; the person chasing and calculating for more; the person determined; the person struggling; the person wishing they could go back in time; the person who has lost ‘everything’.

I sometimes see who I once was.

I sometimes see my wife and family.

I sometimes see the child we lost.

Then I see who I am now. 

And I don’t know who he is…I need help to find out. I need help to see the person who has recovered in the mirror. I need help to restart my life, to be and do better, and salvage a life with my wife and family. I am trying – I need to do it.

[jen3]

Hi T! It sounds like you are already off to a good start. Great job being honest with your family and seekin support. I can relate on so many levels. I too made the 6 figure salary for many years, sold properties etc. The only real difference is I have lived this nightmare on and off for well over 20 years Unfortunately we can not go back in time, the damage is done But we can have a better future. Things can and will get better without gambling. You will be surprised how fast things improve when we put gambling behind us. Do they offer Celebrate Recovery meetings where you are from?? Might want to read about them on-line. If that’s not for you there is GA. Also I recommend a few books…. How to stop gambling Easy by Allen Carr and Beyond addictions by Jeff Rudd. Not sure if you believe in a higher power but if you do Beyond Addictions is an excellent book. I wish you the best. I know things will turn around for you. I just know it.

[tryingtodoing17]

yes, i am going to a GA meeting this week and am looking into therapy programs too. will check out the books you have suggested. yes i do believe in more. my faith and family are now keeping me going. the lows are tough but i hope i can get better – i have to. thanks again

[Steev]

Wow. I expect it felt good to get that off your chest, and good that you have admitted to yourself and your family that you have a problem. You talk about wanting to find a new you. A new you is a person in recovery. A new you is someone who is putting the past behind him and making a clean start. The one positive thing about my gambling is that it allowed me to find out so much more about myself, through groups and counselling and reading. Take up any and every opportunity to further your recovery. Put the effort into finding this new you that you once put into gambling. Try and get your spouse to get support as well, it will be a journey for both of you!

[tryingtodoing17]

Thanks Steve – we are and will be working on this together.
So this is now Day 2 – and I am committing to maintaining a journal.
Day 1 was a mix of highs and lows.
Hysterical crying fits and depression were fought off with actions and communication.
I know from my own weakness over the past seven years – through false promises and attempts to stop, overtaken by constant scheming and lies – that the only way I am going to beat this is through surrendering control and being helped. I am no longer arrogant to think I can do this alone. And no longer do I feel alone. For the first time in years, I know I am loved and truly blessed.
I have surrendered all control of my finances to my family, and will live on strict allowances as needed…for the rest of my life – it has to be this extreme, I know this is the only way. No more access. From my own experience, I know that if I do not have money then there is nothing I can lose. The fear of losing is now for the first time presiding over the false hope of ‘winning’. But not just the financial loss, but the fear of losing my wife and family. I know this will take strength, not just from me but from my family, but this is the only way. Day 1 spend = 0. My first day of really ‘winning’. I have also started the process of self exclusion, with some already confirmed and others on the way. This provides the second level of control. I will never step into or log into a casino again – I now believe it…more so knowing that I physically cannot or do not have any money to go with. I urge any of you under such pressures to take similar measures of control to safeguard against relapses. For the first time in forever, I have started communicating. The transparency is upsetting but I know this will help me and my loved ones to rebuild.
Counselling sessions have been planned, which will help me understand the scale of the battle ahead. I am applying for jobs. Financially, I lost in half a decade what I built in a decade. Emotionally, I lost more. I know it will be slow and hard, with lows along the way, but I will recover. I know I can build it back and more. I will fight. I will save my marriage and my life. I will make my wife, my family and me proud again. I now accept I can’t give them or have the life I could have – but I still want a happy life with them, day by day, starting with today.
The plan is to progress exclusions, job applications and general admin today -and spend time with my family. There is a lot to do on Day 2.

[jen3]

Great post! You got this! You have a strong plan in place. I am still trying to figure out how to give up control of money because I understand if I have no money I can not gamble. I am more than willing but as easy as it sounds it’s really complicated. You will be amazed at how a small block of time without gambling can turn things around. I wish you well! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[tryingtodoing17]

Thanks Jen for your support. 

I have read many of your own posts and appreciate your story too.

Surrendering financial control is actually simpler than we believe it is.

My finances are complex. Mutiple out goings. Debt management plans. I made this the reason for not surrendering contro in the pastl. But that is another falsehood.

If I can manage my finances, then why can’t someone else? Especially if they are more prudent than me.

So you need some one you can fully trust and depend on – a close loved one. 

For me, it’s my wife and parents – I am lucky to have them.

Let them manage your finances, hold all cards and passswords – and provide you with the daily allowance you need. It has to be this way for me.

Also, I think a big part of it, for me anyway, is surendring the false pride and ego – I had to accept my shortcomings. And I have and am ok with it. Doing this can help me to focus on rebuilding the good things.

Good luck – and I will pray for you too

[vera]

Good to meet you in the chat earlier, T.

Surrendering control of finances is a huge step for a CG.
I believe gambling has a lot to do with control.
It is a complex issue.
One of the slogans in GA says
KEEP IT SIMPLE.
I think we need to step back and look at life differently.
The chaos and turmoil we created by gambling affects our relationships to a point where nobody knows who we are-especially ourselves!
One day at a time, we will begin to live again, to feel our emotions and to let go of the past.
Just for today ,let’s keep it simple!

[tryingtodoing17]

Day 2 was constructive.
Kept myself busy: progressed exclusions and job applications as planned, and spent some good quality time with my wife and parents.
Day ended with a good group chat too, and hysterical laughter rather than tears for a change.
Haunting flashbacks remain, which I am beginning to think will never go away…and that’s ok as maybe part of remission should be to never forget, with the painful memories driving me to stay on course.
Finances remain surrendered and under control – so another day of winning.

Day 3 started with another good talk with my wife – who continues to amaze me – and starting to formulate 90-day goals. The key indeed is to keep it simple.
Some bad news thereafter with a knock back on a job application that was looking promising. But I have to stay positive and persevere – the right job is out there and waiting.
Plan for today is to continue applications for both primary job and a 2nd part time job (to keep me busy/honest/humble and supplement income), ongoing general admin, and attend my first GA meeting. Feeling slightly anxious about this. So far, apart from with my family, all of my interaction on this has been remote. I will now be facing people and with them my reality even more closely. But I know I have to do this and will have to keep doing this – one day at a time.

[Steev]

I think everyone is apprehensive about their first GA meeting, but you will be face to face with people who will really know what you are going through. I hope it goes well for you and your ‘new you’ journey.

[jen3]

Hi T! You are doing Great making all the right moves and staying positive. I am still laughing. I picture you laughing (eventhough I have no clue what u look like) and than I bust out laughing. It feels good to laugh doesn’t it??? Hopefully we will have many more laughs and a lot less tears along the way. :). I forget or maybe I am not sure where you are from but you should google Celebrate Recovery and see if they offer any meetings near you. Just a thought.

[tryingtodoing17]

Day 3 culminated with my first GA session.
Trepidations were allayed and I am increasingly embracing my reality – it helps that the group members were nice and I know now that they are my new extended family. The road to recovery these past few days has helped me to now fully reconcile the dream world of the compulsive gambler that has for so long clouded my judgment and that it is no longer in control of my fate – I am. But at the same time, the arrogance that kept me in the dream world has subsided and I am under no illusion that the road to recovery is long and never ending. My commitment and application to recovery must remain…today and always.
Feelings of guilt continue to surface but I am fighting them and trying to not let them manifest nor impact my judgement or interactions.
Day 4 has been busy with family commitments and job applications – I did not really get to set my goals for the day due to the whirlwind start but it has been a constructive day nonetheless.
Unemployment is increasingly frustrating and adding to the sense of worthlessness – but I know it will take time. I must remain patient and continue to exercise my mind and spirituality – one day at a time.
Finances remain surrendered and exclusions now in place – another day of winning…in my new real world.

[Vertical12]

Hello,
As i am still young and 25 years old i would like to learn more for this if you want to share of course. I read all your story and i can relate in some way. My dad was a gambler for over 8 years and he was lying to us to his family. He went in debt around 20k and my mother had to borrow money from relatives in order to pay the debt. Moreover i had to decrease my own expenses and this affected me too. Here i am now being a gambler too but fortunately i did not affect somebody’s life except my own. So here is my big and deep question. Why you started at the first place??? I read your sentence “Despite all that I had, I was not content – I was not happy and clearly am still not”. I wonder if you have so much money and a house and a beautiful family what more you want from your life? What is the trigger here? Maybe boredom or just greed or what? It’s really difficult for me to understand this part of gambling. This is a huge step for you registering here. I really believe you can change your life. Thank you for sharing your story and i hope i can help you too despite my young age.

[jen3]

How ya doing T??

[jen3]

You disappeared. I hope your ok and doing well. Please keep us posted.

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