[pumkin113b]

So I started here with GT in March 2011. I am so grateful that I found this site and the people here…..it has made more of a difference to me than anything else. I have closed my old thread and started this new one as a new promise and committment to myself. My ldg was 08/06/2011. On this day I also banned myself from the one casino left within driving distance. This was not easy to do and I did it with a faint heart if I am honest. At the time I knew I had to — the choice was clear enough — ban or this continues. I am committed to leaving the barriers in place and embracing them to my advantage — but if you can understand I am both happy and sad that it is over. Never been here before….thus my topic title I walk down a different street. I am not delusional this time that I "get it" or "this is it" or that I can say I will never slip again….I know it is and always will be ODAAT. What I do get is that I have started going down a different street and that I have closed off the old road and that I don’t know where exactly I’m going yet. I get that this will not be easy. I get that I will have to be vigilant to not stray onto that old road again. I get that I am not home free — that I’m on a different street but may still need to make twists and turns and adjustments along the way. I am going to journal more often here — I need this space to be where I am accountable at least for now. I have much to work on in the coming days but will get it done as I can. My best to everyone here. I couldn’t do it without you.  

[pumkin113b]

Happy New Year to (((All))) here at GT     Pumkin
Hey Dave — Haven’t read my posts back in awhile. Have gone back to read them all at one point — I guess I’m just waiting for the next chapter before I re read the ones before again or waiting until I need to. Maybe I’m a bit supersticious lol and since my path is still going well I don’t want to chance a hard look back again yet. 
   
 

[finding_laura]

Happy New Year Pumkin, continued recovery for 2012 for all 🙂
take care,
Laura

[sunny123]

happy new year pumkin…. nice to know that you are doing well.. wish you a happier and healthier gamble free 2012. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[cat438]

Hi ((((Pumpkin)))) Thanks for the post it was wonderful to come and read it.  I was at the stage I was not writing much as I felt such a failure!!! I ended up back again, but it’s like I have my focus back and I am facing my demons.  It is wonderful to see that you are doing so great and to see your uplifting posts. It’s funny how sometimes we need time to lick our wonds before we can get back on track.  I am finding that I am more" hopeful" again- that’s so funny as it made me think of Hope and both of you were such a big part of my recovery at the very beginning.  Happy New Year. Take Care.  Wishing you a day free of gambling.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[pumkin113b]

This is your life………are you who you want to be?

[i am hope]

Hey Pumkin

Was nice to catch you in chat again though it was not for long. Hope to catch up for a bigger chat next time, glad to see you are doing well, still cant sleep.
Living with Hope

[pumkin113b]

How is it that we can go from ok to struggling in a split second? Or maybe it’s not a split second……it must build back up in us….right now I am so out of sorts and I know it’s tied to how depressed I am feeling. Just really can’t seem to move my mind off of not feeling good enough. I know it isn’t real….I’m just so tired…I need a break that works to take this edge off….. 

[paul315]

Originally posted by pumkin113b

How is it that we can go from ok to struggling in a split second? …

Good evening Pumkin,
If we could not go from OK to struggling in a split second we could not move in the opposite direction either, the change falls within the same time frames; but, time spent on negative thoughts can strengthen the crash, and the time in recovery builds up making the leap to being OK possible.  I don’t think that feeling good or bad comes to us gradually, we can feel either way at the drop of a hat. However the time before a change in feelings, and what we do with it, can govern what feelings will build and take hold. We can’t control the wind, but we can trim the sails.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Use your help lines before an urge or bad feeling takes hold.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

[cat438]

Hi (((Pumpkin))) I know what you mean about the ups and downs… and about feeling depressed. It’s tough sometimes to be positive about things, but the struggles are worth the outcome.  You are doing great so chin up, pet the cats and give them a hug from me… Just think your cats love you just the way you are…. in fact when you think of it you are  blessed to have such an adoring fan club who love you.  Thanks for your posts and support.  One day at a time.  One day at a time my sweet lord…

[recoverlinglad]

Just read your post and sounds familar in places.. ODAAT…
My Current addiction is online chat after slipping on the gambling and drinking.   
If ya don’t plan, you plan to fail. 
Just for today I will try and get a few things done it my todo list maybe not all of them.
Just for today I will read at least 2hrs therapy and comment on at least one.
That has been said a lot. 
Just for today I will not spend all my time procrastinating away with my **** in a seat with a lap top.
Just for today I will not gamble!
I have come to understand there is a higher power!!   I would love to here from people who have or who are currently. I am not religous. I accept I can not change that. I am spirtual in a way.. I only say one Prayer.. 
 

[cat438]

Hey Girl, how are you doing?  I hope that you did not give in to moving with a 2 hour commuute to work.  You need to take care of you and stop being a "people pleaser".  It is so much easier give others suggestions on what they need to do.  As I am typing this I am saying to myself…. what the **** are you talking about… you need to take that advice yourself.  Please post and tell me that you stood your ground and are not going to be doing that commute.  I worry about you having to drive 2 hours morning and night to work.  You will be exhausted.  Wishing you a wonderful day of recovery. One day at a time my sweet lord…

[desdemona]

Dear Pumkin! I’ve very surprised that your husband would want you to live closer to your family. It doesn’t fit with what you have told me about him. He doesn’t seem to want you to have family support. He has complained many ***** about your cattery, so it does sound like he is manipulating you. In the new house, he’s going to all of a sudden be supportive of the kitties?? A two hour commute will become burdensome from day one. That would be like adding two hours to every work day, without being paid for it. And like Vera mentioned, there are other things to consider like the additional fuel, the wear and tear on your vehicle, and especially the fatigue. Make the right decision for you P. Carole 

[lizbeth4]

HI Pumkin!  It’s been awhile since I posted on your thread.  I have been a people pleaser since I was a child.  I am finally ending this behavior and being selfish and doing what is right for me.  A 2 hour commute would be soo hard on you and exhasting.  Stand your ground on this one.  You have to take care of you.  Take care!!Seize all the good things in life

[cat438]

Pumpkin, just letting you know i am thinking of you, and wondering what you have decided to do about moving homes.  I don’t get on chat very often so please put a quick post on.  Take careOne day at a time my sweet lord…

[i am hope]

Hey little pumkin
I have not seen you in so long and miss talking to you. I hope that you are going ok these days, im having a tough time but coming here is helpful to me.  Come back and chat some time.  I have failed miserably at giving up gambling but i am still trying.  Come back with us.  We care about you here
 Living with Hope

[p]

Hey Pumkin
Just wondering how you are in the wee hours of the morning here and just thinking about all my gt friends, i really hope you are ok and all your little kitties. Was so happy to chat with you again
P

[pumkin113b]

Today is a horrid day. I am feeling so hopeless it is not even funny. The only good thing is I have not gone out to a casino and gambled. Although I should say that I have been gambling on facebook. I have spent whole days at work wasting time on facebook slots. I have even bought credits in order to keep playing. I stayed off facebook slots all weekend and want to give them up but my days are horrid. I am sick of commuting the 2 hours to and from work. M-F I get up at 6am leave for work and get home around 7pm. I have no life and am tired before the week even starts. I spend my Saturdays sleeping all day — only getting up to go to the bathroom. I found a job posted in the town I live in which would be perfect for me — but I just called and confirmed that because my Bachelor’s degree is not in accounting I would not be considered for the position. I feel like the whole world is against me and everything is hopeless. I feel like I am only a step away from having a complete nervous breakdown — quitting my job — and eventually being out on the street. I can’t take this anymore. A friend here at work was trying to get me to stay the night over so I wouldn’t have to drive home tonight because it is going to snow and I yelled at her because she has anxiety over the weather and it is getting to me. I don’t care about driving in the snow but she is always sending me the weather alerts and I can’t take it. I know she means well but I have enough to worry about. I can’t stay tonight because I have to pick up my husband from work. I don’t need the additional pressure of worrying about the bad weather coming up later on. I can barely get by just getting to work and getting home. I know it’s not her fault and I should not have lashed out at her but I just can’t take it anymore. I have so many bills coming up so I can’t quit my job. My husband started working but he doesn’t make even enough to cover our mortgage payment. I know part of all of this is living without my "bandaid" of gambling but it is getting worse and worse. I cry everyday and I have started thinking I would be better off dead than continuing in this unendning sad and hopeless state………..I just can’t seem to find any light at the end of any tunnel anywhere.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Pumkin, I am sorry that you are feeling hopeless. Can you talk to a counselor or seek out a support group. I know you have limited time as you have a long commute to work and back, but sometimes it helps talking to someone who can maybe give you another outlook on your situation.  It seems like you have alot going on.  I know you are a strong person and can get through this.  We always lash out on the one’s we are closest to.  There always is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it just takes us awhle to get there.  Pumkin, stay strong.  You have alot of friends here who deeply care about you and can relate to your problems.  Keep posting!Seize all the good things in life

[icandothis]

I have no answers for you, Pumkin.  Just want you to know I am thinking of you and sending you prayers.  Lizbeth has good advice…keep posting.  She is a good example of…no matter how hard life gets..sharing with others who care can help lighten the load.  Hugs.  We care, Pumkin.

[lorraine]

Hi pumpkin ,you sound so sad ,what iam about to say is hard to do ,give your self the credit you deserve for the things you do ,and be thankful  for that job ,slow down enjoy your 2 hour drive it is a wonderful peaceful  time for you listen to music and breath,nice cup of tea and maybe a snack or two . (preferably chocolate)
Iam still living life in the fast lane,and yes still gamlbing,heading for that wall myself,but will such a relief to stop again.
The year i had away from the casino ,definitly made my life easier to handle,but no it did not change anything,stopping gambling and admitting defeat is hard.But in my opinion i think we also have to admit defeat in life as well in order to stop gambling all together.
At the end of the day and we crawl into bed ,we are warm ,we are safe ,we are loved ,we are HOME and no matter how much we had to go through in a day to get there .
Just be greatful that your there ,you can do it pumpkin ,chin up ,wake up and give yourself a sigh of relief that just for today you made it.
Bills will always be there that is for sure ,we all have them yah me too darn lol.
But when i worry about the bills and have big plans to pay them ,**** i gamble.
I try to think back of what i was like before gambling ,what changed me,why cant i stop gambling makes no sense to me,why every nickel and dime has to go to someone elses pocket,and not myn its nuts it is.
Im Sitting on my couch and all i want is you right beside me,hugs
Yah,the weather freaks me out too lol ,but i promise if you drive i would love to go for a ride with you ,snowstorm is nothing compared to the storm of gambling .
Gotta go here ,just off work and to see hubby ,but saw your post and  it helped me too pumpkin,
Hope you feel better soon ,wont tell you to stop gambling all together but hey maybe slow it down ,give yourself a break your worth it.
night.
 
 

[cat438]

Dear (((Pumpkin))), I hear the despair in your post and wish that I could do something to help.  I know that I will support and encourage you in any way that I can, but you need to come and post and let us help you.  It does not sound as if you are happy how things are going Pumpkin. You can do it Pumpkin and you know what you need to do.  You are so worth fighting for dear Pumpkin.  Have faith in yourself.  Reach out and get support and if you can go to counselling or GA or whatever it takes because you deserve to have a better life.   Please come back and post and reach out and get help.  Miss you Pumpkin!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[pumkin113b]

Thank you all for your posts. I just came in here because I am falling apart again and to see your posts has helped calm me down some. I am always on myself for something….not doing everything perfectly, not saying the right things. It seems to me that the more I try to do the worse I get about always accusing myself of being less than. Today I finally checked some email accounts and found some inquiries from someone I had committed to helping that are now old. I feel like such a failure and phony and I am physically sick because I was not there for this person. I avoid people because of this. In my mind I think I am the worst friend, daughter, wife, colleague that anyone could ask for. I constantly beat myself up for every little thing I feel I did not do right. And then I want to just hide and not have any contact with anyone because I think I will just fail them. It is so hard right now to see the good in myself. I have even been angry with God lately blaming him for making me the way I am and all the torture I feel in trying to navigate through what is just normal life. I have been on and off depression meds and in counseling and I just can’t seem to find or learn anything that sticks and keeps helping. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t have the energy anymore to sustain working on my own well being. I know I’ll get through this and it will be ok one way or the other. I fight these feelings so hard and perhaps I just need to give in and say it’s all going to be ok and it’s even ok to feel like this for awhile but then I have to realize things will get better. I am not gambling — except for my new facebook slot addiction. — so at least finances have started to get better. I have figured out that it will take until about August to pay all the bills I need to. I am trying to look at this as a positive — at least I have found a block against gambling that will work until August. Lorraine I totally agree with you that this is so much more than just stopping gambling. I have to figure out a way to use this time to work on all the other things in my life that contribute to wanting to run away and hide — which I think is just mostly me and the way I think. If I could just believe that I have some good qualities and am not always failing. I am going to I sit here now for a little while and re-read all your posts and try and let your words sink in.          

[pumkin113b]

Writing this for icandothis — I see you closed your thread — just want to say thanks for your words. Even the last words of your closed post — *****, write, ***** — made me think how I am stuck just trying to ***** myself which is impossible! Thanks again Ican and I hope to catch you soon.

[icandothis]

How sweet, Pumkin.  If you want to tune into my continuing saga, lol, I have a thread named ICANDOTHIS.  Maverick started it for me, which was also sweet.  Take care.  I know what it is like to be lost in a fog of depression.  Eventually, the fog will lift, pumkin.  Keep posting and hang on! 

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