[Berto08]

Hi there, Hopeful of some guidance, courage, inspiration. I have been a gambler for 20+ years. 1st marriage ended in divorce, 2 children from that marriage. Remarried 5 years ago (10 year relationship), 2 children in my current marriage. My gambling over last 3 years in particular has intensified dramatically. I confessed my issues long ago to family and current wife…kept happening, didn’t really want to stop. Then I hit the wall – Rehab 12 months ago, admitted my dependence on gambling, my addiction. However, I didn’t cross the line 100%….kept the level of debt a secret because of the fear of loss of my current wife/kids. Thought I could control the debt and pay it back. Trouble was and still is, I gave my wife control of the finances which then made it hard for me to clear the debts…the lifestyle remained, I hadn’t broken the chain. I had to manoeuvre , continue the lies, manipulation of others, secret accounts ETC to try and cover it up. My recovery was completely floored. The debt has quadrupled. I am tired of this life and although I have all the tools from rehab and continue to go to GA twice a week – I feel trapped. This week I have realised so much more about the cycle of this addiction. I honestly believe if I confront it and tell my wife the whole truth – that is my way out. However my addiction is fuelled by the guilt of me not having the courage to do this. I have the fear that she will leave me and the kids will be gone…another train wreck family that I have created. I am finding this difficult to overcome. I know I should concern myself with the serenity prayer…I can’t control everything. That should be my motto. My conscience is killing me, I am just so scared of crossing the line to the other side.

[Dunc]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Berto08]

Thanks Harry….I am looking forward to being involved in the community and learning, listening to other advice from members.
I want to make this happen and am close to doing so

[velvet]

Hi Berto
I am replying to the thread you put in the F&F forum.
I hope you understand that I cannot tell you what to do but if you believe that the only way you can change your life is to be honest with your wife then, in my opinion, it is the only way forward for you. By controlling your addiction you give your loved ones the chance of a better future,
With understanding of the addiction many F&F become fantastic supports. I take it that your wife knows you go to GA twice a week – does she go to Gamanon? What support has she had with coping with your addiction? Did she talk to anybody about her worries when you were in rehab?
My story is that I unwittingly enabled for 25 years and a large part of my life, therefore, was controlled by an addiction I didn’t own. I reacted to the knowledge, when I was finally made aware, with anger and distrust but through Gamanon I learned to understand – and it is that understanding that F&F need to survive. Like you, my CG went through rehab and it took a long time but very, very gradually we built up trust. I needed to understand but I also needed understanding – after all there was no programme to help me cope. He helped me understand Berto and that is why I am here talking to you. However that is ‘my’ story and of course I cannot guarantee your wife’s reaction although I would imagine it will be one of confusion and probably anger but I suspect you must know this already.
F&F link love and trust together as indissoluble so when trust is broken, love is doubted and they struggle more with the lies and secrecy than they do with any loss of money – that is something you will have to work hard on to repair.
This is possibly not the answer you wanted to hear but I can only speak from my own experience and the knowledge I have gained from other F&F.
Have you discussed the fact that your didn’t embrace your recovery 100% with your outreach worker – you will not have been the first to hold back but I believe that now is the time for you to be honest. Good support comes with understanding.
Whatever you decide to do Berto I wish you well. Your wife would be welcome in the F&F forum and particularly in the F&F group where she can communicate freely with those who understand her, just as this forum and CG groups understand you.
Velvet

[Berto08]

Hi Velvet,
Firstly a great deal of thanks to Harry who was fantastic in private chat recently and also yourself whom I appreciate greatly. I have read a number of your comments to other forum members and admire your strength/advice….I was hopeful we would also chat.

I posted on this site and then directed my wife to the site in the hope that she would view my post. She did. It broke the ice and I have now confronted the situation with 100% honesty which was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life…although I do regret not doing it earlier, it may have saved me a hell of a lot of anguish, anxiety, hurt and pain.

We are now working through the various issues, at this stage, in a calm manner. I have hurt my wife so much and it is hard for me to believe that I would continue my behaviour because of my fear of losing her by being honest. Now it all seems very surreal to me that I would believe that notion for so long. In fact it is the complete opposite – the truth was only ever going to be the way I could rid myself of the monster in my corner. He now has nothing to feed off – my journey into full recovery can now begin.

In reference to your questions, my wife has struggled with seeking help throughout my addiction. She is a very proud and private person – she internalises a lot. Since referring her to this forum, she has taken it upon herself to read and gain a better understanding which I feel is a positive step for her to work toward getting help her help herself. I am attempting to be as gentle as possible in assisting her with getting herself that help that she may need because I don’t want her to feel that I am pushing it down her throat – I don’t have all the answers.

I am hopeful she reads your comments above, I am confident they will bouy her with the fact that there is hope for change and it is possible.

I am now in a position to be able to effect change because I have finally been honest…I now have no requirement to hide, lie and manoeuvre.

My wife is aware that I attend GA twice a week and yes my sponsor is aware of my struggles. Between my sponsor and psych counsellor, advice from this site and a growing desperation in my mind to live a better life – I was able to finally archive the strength of courage to confront the truth.

I am ever so glad I did, although belatedly but that can’t be changed.

Thank you so much again – Rob !

[kin]

Hi Berto,
Welcome to Gambling Therapy.
Hope you wouldn’t mind me sharing a few recovery stories in here.
Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in.
I am lost.……I am hopeless,
It take forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I pretend I dun see it,
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I see it is there
I still fall in…..it‘s a habit
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street ,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk ,
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Where are you now?

[kin]

Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them ,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”
They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

[kin]

Addiction is like a tiger lying in wait for its prey.
Unfortunately, we are the prey !
The tiger is extremely patient
as it wait for the optimal moment to pounce on its unsuspecting victim.
It is well camouflaged with denial, minimization,
rationalization, and other psychological defences,
so it is hard to distinguish the menace from its surroundings.
Its stealth make it hard to identify
as it is sneaking up and preparing to attack.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Many times its victims do not know they are being stalked until it is too late.
80% percent of newcomers relapse in their first year.
We cannot defeat addiction in the traditional sense.
The solution begins with a paradox:
Victory is achieved through surrender, not in battle.
If we surrender, our disease loses its control over our life.
It doesn’t disappear. It doesn’t go away. It never go away!
It merely recedes into the background.
Yet it is always there,
Waiting for a lapse in our spiritual program,
Example :
When we are feeling down and out
because we have gotten into a bitter argument with our spouse, or
When we have received a special recognition at work
and feel that we deserve to celebrate.
It will act on any opportunity to regain control of our life.
The first thing to consider is whether our disease is once again trying
to establish a foothold in our life.
It may be setting us up in order to take charge
and again run the show.
Remember, it is always looking for that opportunity
to convince us to return to gambling.
A person in early recovery looks for all the ways that
his gambling isn’t as bad as those around him / her.
I wasn’t that out of control,
my spouse haven’t left me,
my debt is manageable,
I do not have huge credit cards debt,
I did not borrow from illegal money lender,
I didn’t lose my job ,
I m not a bankrupt,
I do not have to steal or borrow to gamble…etc….
the list go on and on and on.
Before long, he convinced himself that he / she can return to gambling,
he just need to control it better this time around.
This is a person who has not truly surrendered.
This disease is capable of convincing us to go ahead and gamble again
because this time it will be different , I am not a gambling addict.
The addicted part of us will insist on this position,
despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Do you know why ?
Because this disease will selectively ignore information
that validates our powerlessness.
This filtering is called the Selective Inattention.
The information that indicate we are an addict
and unable to control our gambling is ignored.
Watching out for how the beast may be sabotaging our recovery is crucial.
So watch and listen.
It will be our own life that we save if we keep our vigil.

[Berto08]

Hey Kin,

I really appreciate you taking the time to post the above.

I can identify with all three scenario’s. The internal fight is horrendous.

I feel much lighter now that I have released my fear and found my truth. This was, I felt in the end, the only way I was going to achieve active recovery. I could no longer live the constant lies and deception – but the courage to overcome my fears of honesty took me some time to realise.

I now see and understand that my illness had created that fear. My illness had lead me to feel that fear so it could remain active. I had to overcome that fear and close down the beast.

It is a truly baffling experience.
The last 24 hours have been extremely painful, difficult, exhilarating, empowering and life changing all mixed into one.

I have found great strength in these forums and in speaking privately via chat with the therapists on this site.

It is only my beginning now, but it is better than what my end was and I look forward to working the program of recovery now on an honest and transparent level.

The work has just begun and I am ever so grateful of the support I have received here.
Rob

[velvet]

Hi Berto
I am so pleased that your wife is now fully aware of the problem that you have. It is so important, I think, that she now has the support to recover her own self-esteem and confidence which I know will have been severely dented.
The reason I struggled for 25 years Berto was because I am a private person who believed that love would conquer all if I just hung in long enough – for 23 years I told nobody what was going on in my life, so I understand your wife’s feelings and I do hope she will join me tomorrow evening.
The addiction makes fools of us all – we know we are intelligent and yet we have not seen something destroying us right under our noses. I am sure you would have been aware long before your wife could possibly have known, that your addiction was active and dangerous but your pride would have done everything it could to hide your shame from your wife. The fact that there is nothing to be ashamed about in having this addiction is something we all have to learn I think.
I am delighted for you that she is standing by you but I do know there will be ups and downs and that her recovery will be difficult too. I always internalised far too much (probably still do) but of course in doing so we run the risk of hearing only our own thoughts going round and round, bouncing off the walls of our minds, with no answers that make sense.
I know you can not only just lead a better life, you can lead a life that is very special as a result of controlling this addiction – keep posting, stay close to your support – I wish you well.
Velvet

[Berto08]

Hey Velvet,

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom.

It has been a very intense couple of days, but nice that it is so because of honesty as opposed to further issues that my addiction could have caused if I didn’t confront.

I am very mindful of my wife’s recovery and mindset through this time and beyond – as I alluded to earlier, the addiction continued to allow me to believe that I was protecting her by not sharing the level of debt when in fact it just wanted to continue the misery. Being honest has set us both free to be able to work toward recovery.

Thankfully today, my wife has informed me that she started to take some steps to protect herself and seek advice. I am proud of her for doing so. I have actively encouraged her to do so and have shared each thread and response that I am receiving from this forum with her. If I can assist her in anyway to understand my addiction further and set herself free from my addiction I should think that be a positive start for us. I have caused her so much pain and I have suffered the internal pain for far too long. I will encourage her to create her own account and seek advice /further learning from peers that have also been in her position.

My wife has never, in my mind, enabled my addiction. I don’t blame her at all for where I am at. I purely was not strong enough to help me or her due to my fear. That has now been overcome.

I attended GA this evening and spent considerable time with my sponsor discussing the events of the past 48 hours. Was most helpful and I received further insight as to what to expect from here on in as I realise the emotional journey will now encompass various transformations between anger, resentment, confusion, understanding, clarity and reassurance. I have had a long time in active addiction, I now have plenty of time to understand and implement recovery!

Most of all, it is action time For me…words are no longer enough. My wife really surprised me with her approach which sounded somewhat similar to many of the comments I have seen posted from other partners of CG’s on this site. She suggested I come up with the financial plan moving forward in relation to MY debts. She wanted me to own it, make the plan and discuss it with her. Straight away this told me that she is absorbing the advice on this site. The opposite would have been for her to take control of it, control the situation thus not allowing me to take responsibility for the state of affairs. In essence she removed herself from my addiction whilst at the same time offering me support. This was hugely encouraging to me and most appreciated. I have now started to work on this plan.

I will keep posting, reading and learning. I want to gain as much understanding and seek as much advice from my peers as possible is order to build my strength in recovery.

I know that this will be with me forever, I am under no illusions about that. However, I also take great hope from those on this forum, my friends at GA and my support network that there is a better way of life and it is achievable.

Thanks again Velvet and I do hope you get to chat with my wife at some stage should she wish to join the forum.
Rob

[kin]

Dear Berto
Hope you enjoy watching this

keep trying
after a while, what was dark before will not be dark anymore

[kin]

Dear Berto

Enjoy this two mins clip

brother, you are going to find that strength to get back up

[Berto08]

What a simplistic view of life…brought a year to my eye. Awesome Kin – thank you again for sharing, it will be a clip that I watch daily.

[kin]

Dear Berto

how are you doing ? imagine, if you are not here, where can you be?

just a gentle reminder, are you feeding your gambling mind or are you feeding your recovery?

blessings

Kin

[Berto08]

Hey Kin,

Commencement of genuine recovery is my answer to your question….finally through honesty.

I can’t begin to describe how relieved I feel that I have now told my truth. Further, it has enabled me to release all anxiety around my debt, share with my wife and create a plan. The desire to gamble to “make” that money has now been destroyed – I no longer need to hide.

So, all in all Kin, finally being honest has enabled a change. A better understanding of my addiction has become more apparent and I can now work on a day by day basis to create a better life.

For the first time in a long time, I feel at ease with myself, have peace and feel happy again.

Bert

[kin]

Hi Berto,

What are your thoughts today ? ( etc. on your recovery, family, children, health, work, money, gambling, or any subject)

What did you feel ?

What do you plan to do about it ?

It is important to check your thoughts and feelings everyday.

[kin]

What is Gambling Addiction?
In 2013, the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) classified compulsive gambling as an addictive disorder similar to substance (drug and alcohol) addiction.
Gambling addiction is considered a type of process addiction in which an activity stimulates the brain in a similar way that drugs and alcohol do – to the point that an addicted gambler will pursue the activity at all costs.
Signs and Symptoms of Gambling Addiction
Problem gambling, or gambling addiction can be seen in a variety of ways, but the most obvious symptoms are as follows:
1. Gambling when you do not have money.
Gambling can be fun when you have money to spare. But when funds are low and gambling still takes priority, this is definitely a sign of addiction.
2. Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.
When funds have fun out, addicts will do anything to get more money in order to place more bets. In these cases, problem gamblers will often take out loans, or turn to family and friends to borrow money. When nobody is willing to lend any more money, the only option left is to steal cash or items that they can sell.
3. Gambling to change or enhance your mood.
Did you have a great day at work and want to go out gambling to celebrate? Did you get in a fight with a spouse and want to gamble to make yourself feel better? When gambling becomes a way to alter your mood, it is a sign of a developing (or developed) addiction.
4. Gambling for longer than intended.
This is something that happens frequently with problem gamblers. They will intend to play a couple rounds of cards, or place just a few bets in the casino – but those couple rounds can turn into many rounds, and money will start to disappear quickly.
5. Lying about how much you gamble.
Denial is a big part of any addiction. It is hard to admit to that an activity has so much control over one’s life, and thus a problem gambler will begin to lie about their gambling habits. They will lie to loved ones about where they were and where their money has gone. And they will lie to themselves as well – most frequently they believe they can stop when they want to, but that is not the case. Especially if they have depleted their funds and still continue to gamble.
6. Feelings of remorse after gambling.
When the adrenaline of placing bets is over, and the reality of their monetary losses sets in, remorse takes over. Remorse is a clear sign that gambling has stopped being fun and has begun to be a serious problem.
Effects of Gambling Addiction
The most obvious effect of this addiction is loss of money which leads to unpaid bills, credit collectors and even the loss of their home and car. A gambling addict will also often get so wrapped up in gambling that they miss work and social events which could result in job loss and problems in their close relationships.
Gambling Addiction Treatment
Gambling addiction treatment can be administered in both outpatient or inpatient treatment centres which will depend on several factors including the severity of the addiction and the lifestyle and responsibilities of the addict, among others.
It is important to find an addiction rehabilitation centre that has experience dealing with process addictions, as some addiction treatment centres focus on drugs and alcohol only. It is also important to seek help as soon as you are aware of the problem, as the sooner an addiction is treated, the higher the chances are of a successful recovery.

Hi Berto,

How are you? Hope all is well.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

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